Trying to deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Trying to deal with this
67
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 12:53pm

I have told my story but it has been many months since I posted. I am not able to get over what happened with us. In a nutshell, my husband of less than 4 years set up a lunch with an old flame, had personals with two different sites set up (which I discovered by accident), is still attempting to contact another old girlfriend who basically stalked him after we got together and got married, has tried to set up a meeting with another old female friend from high school, and now spends much of his time on facebook (trying to find old female friends) and now porn.

He says he did not think he did anything wrong when he set up the personals because he never intended to meet anyone. He was just curious and we were already married for a year. He did try to contact someone on one of the sites but she never wrote back before he cancelled the account. He has cancelled both accounts.

I ended up installing a keylogger on his computer only to discover his incessant

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 2:50pm
Disaster- omg! How are you going to get over it? Or deal with it? Or accept it? NEVER. By what you write, your husband has blatantly disregarded your feelings, beliefs. Stopping one inappropriate behavior only to begin another one is yet another betrayel.

My husband had zippo boundaries when it came to woman. Texting, lunches- all for work, so that made it right. Wrong. I bet that if you were doing the same things, he wouldn't like it.

Our partners are to protect us, ensure that our homes are the safest places in the world. Just as we are to provide that for them. Safety, security, love, respect, honor, loyalty, etc, etc. your husband is failing at providing this.

Another failed marriage, doesn't mean you are a failure, that you are flawed in some way or that you can't have your happy ending. Every house has drama within it that no one else knows about. Don't let your families love for this man hold you back. They don't live with him. You owe no one an explanation. And if your friends and family love you and trust in you they should know that if you decided to end this marriage, something was very wrong, that it was a decision you didn't make lightly and that it had to be done.

This is your life too. Don't you think you deserve to be happy? Health issues are no excuse for his actions. Your battle is lost because he hasn't done anything to stop. He wasn't serious about ending his behaviors. He either doesn't get how deeply this has affected you or he just doesn't care.

Betrayel is betrayel, trust gets broken no matter if it involves emotional or physical infidelity.

You have the information you need to stay in the marriage or to end it. You probably already have that answer. Either way, you live with what you decide. No one else does. You may not be a spring chicken ,but you are still young. You have many years ahead of you in your life. Do what feels right to you. Be true to who you are. You deserve much more than what you are getting out of your marriage. Please take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 3:52pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I have such a hard time understanding why this man, who at one time, treated me like a queen, can now so blatantly disregard my feelings and continue his behaviors. Maybe it is his ego, which is the size of Texas. Why is it he needs to have other women either contacting him or meeting up with him?

As far as the porn is concerned, I am no prude. I didn't mind using porn to enhance our sex life, which was always good. It is the secrecy and the time he spends looking at this stuff. He even saved about 50 pictures of women on his computer. He has since deleted them.

The internet can be good in so many ways, but it also can be evil. He has no concern for how I feel and won't stop.

I know what must be done but don't know that I have the strength to do it. He did almost leave a couple of weeks ago after an argument about porn and I talked him into staying. Maybe I should have just let him leave.

I had been off work for several months due to my medical problems and he was so attentive and so good to me. Not once in the time I was in the hospital and home did he look up any porn. I went back to work a short time ago and the first day I was back, he spent 6 hours looking at that garbage.

He wasn't looking up old female friends either during that time. It seems like he wants to have this secret life while I am at work.

Why? I wish I understood.

I love him so much and would never have thought this would happen. I have never been cheated on in any way, shape, or form prior to this (at least not that I know of). My husband says my ex probably cheated on me because most men cheat. He cheated on his first wife and told me everything, yet for some stupid reason, I thought our relationship would be different. He was older and I felt over the need to cheat in a relationship. I guess I was wrong.

I appreciate your words of wisdom. You have given me valuable information as I start the journey of trying to save this marriage or ending it and going it alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 4:44pm

I so agree with the first poster and not sure what I can say or add.

I think your husband is not 58 but 18 and trying to relive some sort of fantasy because he is aging. I realize that happens alot to men but it is no excuse for a husband and I use that term lightly.. I mean why did he marry you? Why didnt he just stay alone and do porn and dating sites and stripper bars?? why did he drag you into his darkness. Yes; I call it darkness because you havent seen the light

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 5:46pm

Thank you also. Your words are somewhat harsh but exactly what I need to hear and I thank you for that and for the brutal honesty I feel coming through.

While I was in the hospital, he did not go to those sites because I have had the keylogger on and had my computer with me at the hospital so I could see what he was doing. He doted on me and stayed with me most of my stay there.

I agree he wants to be 18 again. All I hear is "back in the day". Well, it is not "the day" anymore, it is now. I keep telling him that.

I like your reference to the darkness because that is exactly where I feel I am now. I have to find the strength to put me first. It may take a while to get up the courage to do that.

On some level, I keep hoping he might change and decide to put our marriage first, but I don't see that happening, especially as I read other stories on here and what others have gone through.

Your words have given me some strength and I appreciate it so much. Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 6:43pm
6 hours???? Wow it sounds like he has a porn addiction. Between that and the other stuff (including the sneaking the helmet thing) I think I'd have to leave him. I'm going on 54 and just think he' s too old to be acting like a 18 yr. old. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 6:59pm

I agree about the addiction and all he says is he likes to look at it. I have said that if he is using it as a substitute for me and it is interfering with other things he wants to do, then he has a problem, which he, of course, disagrees with.

I was pretty close to ending the marriage a while back before my health became a big problem. He does take good care of me while I am unable to do things and I was hoping that he might realize the marriage is more important than looking at porn and trying to reach old female friends, girlfriends or other.

But as my health is slowly improving, he is returning to old habits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 7:11pm

Hi Disaster

I didnt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 9:09pm

Please don't apologize. I needed it and appreciate the honesty.... thank you...

I am very emotional about this as I am going through this and need replies that are honest and raw. I need to know that what I am feeling is normal.

We just had a long talk and we'll see what happens. He says he doesn't want to lose me and he will stop looking at porn and be open with his facebook and email accounts. I will know if he is telling me the truth as I will see it on the keylogger. Sneaky? Yes. But he put me in this position.

I really appreciate the support system here and am glad to have found these boards (so long ago now, but they are invaluable to those in our position).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 9:44pm

I agree that it sounds like now that you are better he's going back to old habits. I guess the thing is that you really can't change anybody unless they want to change. If he's just saying this to pacify you, he will eventually go back to old habits, but probably try to be sneakier about it. Little does he know about the keylogger though ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 9:25pm

I have been off work and return tomorrow, so we'll see what the next few days bring. I will see if he is capable of being true to his word to me after our conversation yesterday. My guess is he will be alright for a few days, but return to his old habits soon. I hope not, but a tiger can't change his spots.

I truly appreciate the input..... thank you all.

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