Trying to deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Trying to deal with this
67
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 12:53pm

I have told my story but it has been many months since I posted. I am not able to get over what happened with us. In a nutshell, my husband of less than 4 years set up a lunch with an old flame, had personals with two different sites set up (which I discovered by accident), is still attempting to contact another old girlfriend who basically stalked him after we got together and got married, has tried to set up a meeting with another old female friend from high school, and now spends much of his time on facebook (trying to find old female friends) and now porn.

He says he did not think he did anything wrong when he set up the personals because he never intended to meet anyone. He was just curious and we were already married for a year. He did try to contact someone on one of the sites but she never wrote back before he cancelled the account. He has cancelled both accounts.

I ended up installing a keylogger on his computer only to discover his incessant

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:48am
I'm wondering if your health issues are worsening due to the stress you are having with your husbands behavior?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 9:38am

The stress could play into some of it, but this would be happening whether or not he was acting the way he is. He was very well behaved last night... turned his computer back on to check something and then shut it down right away. He was probably looking to see if the person he was searching for sent him anything. This is the time of year when she has tried to contact him which is probably why he was looking her up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 9:48am

I think stress does play a big part in someones health.. I remember over the last few years of dealing with my ex my blood pressure went through the roof and now I am paying a price for that.. If you get a chance read about the body and mind connection.. There are many books and articles on the topic..

How long do you feel like you are going to police him?? I know that I wouldnt be able to keep looking over my shoulder at someone who I have to monitor like a small child.. That alone would put me in the loony bin..but I think I have no patience or tolerance for this type of behavior anymore.. but that is me.. I am thinking you are so trying to save your marriage that you are putting yourself last. Your health and your well being is being

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 10:23am

Unfortunately, I need him around for a while. I wish I had others I could rely on for help but I don't.

I have been policing him for a while now so even if I stop, I know what he does, he won't change. He is, however, still in good guy mode. I wish he would be like this all the time... the way it used to be.

So depressed about all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 10:41am

oh; do you think your husband has some sort of disorder or addiction? So when he goes back to bad guy mode how do you handle that?
If you need him to be around for the health issues then I hope he helps with that..until you get stronger and get on your feet. Maybe right now you cant deal with all of this and need him.. that does make sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 10:57am

It is probably bordering on addiction. When I have really needed him, he was there and treated me like a queen. While I was off work for over 3 months, he didn't do any of that stuff. He only does it while I am at work, or gone somewhere. I think he is just not wanting to get older and wants to be 18 again.

He will be spending the day to today with the friend I don't care for, so I wonder what kind of potential trouble there might be with that. We'll see.

After the long talk we had a few days ago, maybe he will behave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 11:03am

I am wondering does he have anything else to do? I know I get

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 11:47am
Yes, a man at home bored and restless is never a good thing, espcially with all the things they can get into on the computer. If they don't have a hobby or 2 it's not a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 11:59am
Well if there is noone else you can rely on to help you, then you will need to keep him around for as long as you need help. I know it sucks when you feel stuck and have no choice cause I've been there myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:50pm

He is retired, but there is plenty to do around the house. Always have things that need fixing (which he is good at). He is disabled too, so there are some days when he can't do a lot because of pain and I understand that. Those could be the days that he gets lost on the computer.

When I am home, there are never any issues with the computer and he shows me the garbage that his friend sends him. I will be able to retire within a few years and we had plans for when I do retire. Not sure if we will ever be able to act on those plans if he does not get it together.

I have been tempted to plant a virus on his computer, but his is so old that it will be going soon anyway and he would just use one of mine (I have two). He would be hesitant to look at porn or do his ex searching on my computer for fear I could find it. He wants to buy a new one but we don't have the money for it and I won't let that happen as long as he is doing what he does with it. I control most of the money.

Tough to ignore what he is doing but this forum has helped my tremendously. It is not something I am willing to accept. The worst is the looking for old girlfriends and then trying to get in contact with them. Once I hopefully get beyond some of these health issues, I will feel strong enough to make the decision I fear I will be making.

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