Trying to deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Trying to deal with this
67
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 12:53pm

I have told my story but it has been many months since I posted. I am not able to get over what happened with us. In a nutshell, my husband of less than 4 years set up a lunch with an old flame, had personals with two different sites set up (which I discovered by accident), is still attempting to contact another old girlfriend who basically stalked him after we got together and got married, has tried to set up a meeting with another old female friend from high school, and now spends much of his time on facebook (trying to find old female friends) and now porn.

He says he did not think he did anything wrong when he set up the personals because he never intended to meet anyone. He was just curious and we were already married for a year. He did try to contact someone on one of the sites but she never wrote back before he cancelled the account. He has cancelled both accounts.

I ended up installing a keylogger on his computer only to discover his incessant

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 4:45pm
I agree that it's one thing to occasionally look at porn, but when they actually are looking up and talking to ex or a real woman, that is crossing the line big time. My H would get an earful for that. This just ain't cool when you have to monitor them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 4:57pm

I agree and I have no more words of wisdom for you.. I mean your husband made a committment to you and should be cherishing you and honoring you and the marriage. Not going on porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 5:57pm

I appreciate all the time everyone has taken to post to me and try to help me through this.

He was married before for many years and cheated almost the whole time. He told me everything and I thought he had changed, you know... age and all that. I don't think he has changed that much. He says he has looked at porn since he was a teenager and sees no reason to stop doing that (even though some of what he is looking at makes me uncomfortable). He doesn't understand what is wrong with trying to look up ex-girlfriends, because his "intention" is not to meet up (except the times he was caught trying to set up lunches or whatever), the same

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 6:10pm

Your welcome and I am sorry but it sounds like you traded one abusive husband for an emotionally abusive husband... Okay so that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 6:22pm

Very good idea. I like that. I am putting my health first and try to get through this next hurdle. I am going to try and put myself first after that, which is so hard to do. I have a job that I can easily work much overtime so as to not be home too much.. the only thing is I don't get paid overtime, but I like it and can start doing that. I have to find the strength to remove the keylogger so I can't see. I know what he does and what he looks at so there really is no need to continue that. I feel like that has become some kind of an obsession with me, checking up on him. It takes a lot of my time to go through the logger messages. The only upside with that is when he is behaving, I like to see that.

Thank you so much for your insight and taking the time to post to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 6:53pm

well try all kinds of things .. I mean what do you have to lose at this point? Yes I would gather more strength to deal with all of this.

I know that when I went to counseling and detached from my ex and went to many support groups I did gain the knowledge and strength to deal with him. We lived together while going through a divorce.. I used to have to watch him go to his gfriends and support her financially while I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 6:53pm
I agree that living ALONE would be far better (not to mention much less stressful) than having to live with someone you really don't trust and have the urge to constantly check up on. And once you start snooping, if you do it long enough, it does become a habit or obsession, and a very hard one to stop. I think once you've been betrayed by your spouse, in some ways in never goes away. It takes a loooong time to trust them again, and sometimes you never really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 7:09pm
Isn't that something how true that saying "what goes around comes around " is. Sometimes people have just got to go see if "the grass is greener" before they realize that maybe they didn't have it so bad at home after all. I've seen many people go seek "greener grass" only to end up lonely and miserable. Very sad for everyone involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 7:36pm

Yes that saying is so true and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 7:40pm

So very true. In the discussions we have had, I have said that I have no problem being alone. I was for quite a few years after my first divorce and had no problem with it. He, on the other hand, said he does not want to be alone and has told me that he would be looking for someone else if our marriage ended. Gee, that made me feel great.... how easily I could be replaced. Maybe it is time to just stop all of this, even with the health problems. The more I talk about it, the more I am realizing what a sad, sad situation this really is and I know he won't change. He has proven that over and over again. I love him, I really do, but I don't want to live this way any longer.

What goes around does come around and it bites pretty hard sometimes.

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