Trying to deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Trying to deal with this
67
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 12:53pm

I have told my story but it has been many months since I posted. I am not able to get over what happened with us. In a nutshell, my husband of less than 4 years set up a lunch with an old flame, had personals with two different sites set up (which I discovered by accident), is still attempting to contact another old girlfriend who basically stalked him after we got together and got married, has tried to set up a meeting with another old female friend from high school, and now spends much of his time on facebook (trying to find old female friends) and now porn.

He says he did not think he did anything wrong when he set up the personals because he never intended to meet anyone. He was just curious and we were already married for a year. He did try to contact someone on one of the sites but she never wrote back before he cancelled the account. He has cancelled both accounts.

I ended up installing a keylogger on his computer only to discover his incessant

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 11:07pm

hhhmmmmmmmm Never

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 2:41am

Yeah I want someone to cook my meals, clean my house and do my laundry, and maybe as a bonus run my evening bath water.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 5:58pm

Wish I could just be a woman who was stronger and didn't need a man. I know I don't but when you have a good one, it makes so much difference. I think the main thing, after all these discussions and what my counselor has said, is his ego. Why he needs to know the old girlfriends are still carrying torches is beyond me. I could care less what old boyfriends think of me or even if they do. The porn is a separate issue altogether though.

It is the weekend so there are no worries. Next week won't be bad either because I will be home after the short hospital stay. So, I feel like I can breathe, plus he is still in good guy mode.

So, yes, the weekday watcher can take a break. I do appreciate the humor.... it makes me smile some and still affirms the fact that I am not crazy and way off base with how I am feeling.

Thank you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 6:07pm

I dont think you are weak because you want a man.. I want a man also and I am a very strong person.. You wouldnt know it today because I am having a melt down but that is another story.

Anyway;; I think we all need comfort and love and you appear as if you have some sort of it.. I remember reading one time that there are all kinds of relationships in this world. Maybe you have to redefine your relationship...That is what Dr.Phil says anyway..or would your husband compromise at all? Like oh; honey you can watch porn for three hours on Monday but we need to have date night on

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 10:10pm

Makes me sick though that we have to constantly do this just to hold on to them. And how do we know if were giving them enough ego stroking to where they won't look for it elsewhere? Maybe we need to ask them straight out "How many ego stroking compliments do you require each day in order that you don't go sniffing around other women"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 9:38am

I have kind of been doing that since out last blowup and then very long discussion. It may be for more selfish reasons because of what I am facing next week. Can't say too much about that as I want to remain sort of anonymous. But, I will need him.

He has been behaving with that one exception I spoke of earlier.

He does respond to the ego stroking, but why do I have to keep doing that? Feel like I am doing all the work and he is reaping the rewards.

One day at a time.....

I can't thank you enough for helping me through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 9:50am

I know what you are saying but I have read up years before on how to keep your man and all .. Its like if you are going to stay there and want to deal with this then you have to deal with it.. Plain and simple.. So if your man needs ego stroking and you are going to stay with him then I guess you have to go along to get along.. I remember when I was living with my ex who hadmental issues . I knew one day that I was going to divorce him and be out of there but for the while I had to go along to get along.. There was no way around it. I didnt want to just not have a plan.. So while I stuck around I sort of played that game to keep the peace and all. Of course I didnt want to but I did it for pure survival.. So I mean you are going to have to decide if you want to do this or not.. Maybe after your health improves you might take on another plan.. You might feel healthy enough to leave him or kick him out.. ; but for now you are going to have to figure out how to deal with it..until you figure out something else.

So if that means stroking his ego and seeing if it works then so be it. . I believe if you dont he will go elswhere IMO...and yes most likely if you want to keep

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 9:52am

I, for one, appreciate the sense of humor! I appreciate the time you and others have taken to help me through this and to help me know I am not the one with the problem. Heck, we really need a sense of humor to get through some of this stuff.

The next month, for me, will be trying and I really need him here to help me, both emotionally and physically. He is putting his focus on me and I don't expect to have any problems in the near future. Once my health is back on track is when the garbage might start again. That is exactly what happened and has been happening during the struggles I have had.

In my heart of hearts, I don't think this will work in the long run. I hope I am wrong and he can make the positive changes that need to be made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 9:55am

Yeah; right. I think one would have to do the ego stroking forever because I have seen women hold onto their men with the constant ego stroking.. There is no way around this because as we know men are fueled and some women by their ego.. I have actually read a ton of books on this.. Its probably why I cant keep or dont have a man now because I am not a good ego stroker.. I do know that when I have stroked a guy;s ego it kinda works.. I just dont have the patience or tolerance for it anymore as I age.

oh; and I commend you on your witty sense of humor.. Its funny though because I have seen mostly high powered egomanical women who have huge egos.. Does Hillary Clinton ring a bell (lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 10:01am

I do need him around for a while. I think eventually it will be over and I will be done. He will have to leave when/if that time comes because this is my home and I am not leaving. He is behaving too, for the time being. He is not narcissistic (my ex-h was), he just has that stupid ego and the thing about old girlfriends, plus porn. I will reach the point where enough is enough, once I get through this next battle I am facing. I love him with all my heart and love when he behaves. But that only lasts for a short time. Gosh, I sound like a broken record.

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