Trying to move past being bitter, angry, and annoyed.
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|Thu, 09-06-2012 - 12:34am|
It's been almost two years since my H had his A. We've been trying to work things out - or, at least, I have - but I've really come to a block in my road and have not been able to move past it.
A brief history: For financial and other reasons, splitting wasn't really an option for at least a few months, which has been drawn out for over a year now. In about a month, those reasons will be situated, and if I do decide I want to leave, I will have nothing holding me back. I tried very hard for about a year to deal with what happened, my responsibility for the problems in our marriage, and where to go with the future of our relationship. He never helped with that process, was very negative about everything to do with his A (like yelling because I was reading a book about affairs), and overall just didn't want to talk about anything. After months upon months of fighting, I tried a different approach and decided to work on myself. We haven't talked about his A, our marriage, or anything to do with us in any real capacity since then - which was over 6 months ago.
For the last several months, H has done a complete 180. He's honestly become about as close to the perfect husband anyone could ask for. Shortly before this changed occurred, we had a short conversation in which I told him I really did not want to be with him. This is the one and only time in over 6 months we've spoken about our issues - and was a ten minute conversation while I was getting ready for work. I'd like to believe his change of heart is because he's realized what he's losing (his words) and not because he's grasping at straws (my thoughts), but I really don't know. He's refused, since the beginning, to go to any kind of therapy for himself or together.
After so long of dealing with this A alone - something I never brought into our marriage - I've grown bitter, angry, and annoyed. I cringe when he touches me, I have no interest in being intimate or even spending time with him, and I stay about as busy as I can so that I don't have to deal with him. Because he has refused to talk about important topics, I've lost interest in talking about anything and find myself trying to keep my eyes from glazing over in almost every interaction we have. I know this is unhealthy - and for some reason, I actually feel bad for him, as he is trying so hard to be a better man.
He just doesn't seem to get that what I need isn't him up my behind all day. I need to be able to deal with things that have been pushed aside for far too long. I can't move past what happened without dealing with it. And regardless of his change in attitude, I'm pretty sure this will happen again - especially since he's never dealt with why it happened in the first place.
I guess I'm looking for some advice as to whether or not there is any point in continuing to "try". Or maybe I'm just needing someone to tell me it's okay to leave! I know either is a big step and I am very much struggling with this decision.
Thanks in advance for your help and guidance.