Trying to move past being bitter, angry, and annoyed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Trying to move past being bitter, angry, and annoyed.
6
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 12:34am

It's been almost two years since my H had his A. We've been trying to work things out - or, at least, I have - but I've really come to a block in my road and have not been able to move past it.

A brief history: For financial and other reasons, splitting wasn't really an option for at least a few months, which has been drawn out for over a year now. In about a month, those reasons will be situated, and if I do decide I want to leave, I will have nothing holding me back. I tried very hard for about a year to deal with what happened, my responsibility for the problems in our marriage, and where to go with the future of our relationship. He never helped with that process, was very negative about everything to do with his A (like yelling because I was reading a book about affairs), and overall just didn't want to talk about anything. After months upon months of fighting, I tried a different approach and decided to work on myself. We haven't talked about his A, our marriage, or anything to do with us in any real capacity since then - which was over 6 months ago.

For the last several months, H has done a complete 180. He's honestly become about as close to the perfect husband anyone could ask for. Shortly before this changed occurred, we had a short conversation in which I told him I really did not want to be with him. This is the one and only time in over 6 months we've spoken about our issues - and was a ten minute conversation while I was getting ready for work. I'd like to believe his change of heart is because he's realized what he's losing (his words) and not because he's grasping at straws (my thoughts), but I really don't know. He's refused, since the beginning, to go to any kind of therapy for himself or together.

After so long of dealing with this A alone - something I never brought into our marriage - I've grown bitter, angry, and annoyed. I cringe when he touches me, I have no interest in being intimate or even spending time with him, and I stay about as busy as I can so that I don't have to deal with him. Because he has refused to talk about important topics, I've lost interest in talking about anything and find myself trying to keep my eyes from glazing over in almost every interaction we have. I know this is unhealthy - and for some reason, I actually feel bad for him, as he is trying so hard to be a better man.

He just doesn't seem to get that what I need isn't him up my behind all day. I need to be able to deal with things that have been pushed aside for far too long. I can't move past what happened without dealing with it. And regardless of his change in attitude, I'm pretty sure this will happen again - especially since he's never dealt with why it happened in the first place.

I guess I'm looking for some advice as to whether or not there is any point in continuing to "try". Or maybe I'm just needing someone to tell me it's okay to leave! I know either is a big step and I am very much struggling with this decision.

Thanks in advance for your help and guidance.
Heather

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009

Thank you all very much for your replies. I think I was at a point where I was feeling like I was losing my mind for being so focused or obsessed this late in the game. I honestly just needed some validation that I was realistic in my expectations from him.

We actually had a long talk the morning after I posted this - the first time in many, many months. I said I was tired of ignoring the problem and could no longer deal with it on my own. I also told him I wanted to spend a week away to sort things out in my head and to decide what I really wanted out of this marriage. I'm honestly so exhausted from being in limbo - for me it's been almost two years since that "should I stay or should I go" has been on the back of my brain. I also stated I very much thought he was going to do this again - because he hadn't fully dealt with it and wasn't able to explain WHY it happened and WHAT would prevent it in the future - which gives me no reason to try to make our marriage work. Like one response said, if I honestly believe he'll cheat again, why would I stay?

To my surprise, he spent that afternoon calling every therapist, shrink, counselor, etc. in our area and made an appointment with one. In our conversation, I suggested he see someone by himself first (because he's always been uncomfortable with ones I have picked or seen previously) and have a few sessions before I joined him. I think that his big issue with therapy has been he doesn't want to go in and have someone tell him he's the bad guy. I have a lot of questions that were never answered when this all happened, and I need a professional who's going to tell me what's a counter-productive question and what's a helpful question. I don't want to dredge up every detail and every minute of everything that happened. But without dealing with it, I honestly can't move on.

Again, thank you all for your help and support. I don't think I would've made it this far without this board. :smileyhappy:

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
That's great!! It's a good start anyway!! Kudos to yOu for sitting down and being honest about your feelings and what you need, and the fact that he got up and made an appt immediately says a lot! You have been in my Mind a lot this week, so glad you seem to have some type of movement in your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009

Thank you for thinking of me. :smileyhappy: We'll see how the therapy goes. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he goes once and then refuses to go again but at least for now he's got a foot in the door and appears to be sincere.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

"He spent that afternoon calling every therapist, shrink, counselor, etc. in our area and made an appointment with one."

Boy, you know, I think that's a big deal. When guys (And I'm one of them.) get their fix-it hat on, you would be surprised what can happen. Guys show (for lack of a more manly word) affection toward each other through rolling up their sleeves and working. The act of calling around for a shrink reads “love” to me. I would not back down an inch from your stated expectations, but gee, what a good sign.  

Have you ever checked out the book "The Five Love Languages?" It was written by a Christian author (and I should note that it has a Christian bend to it), it invoked a great conversation with my spouse and I. There is an audio book of it and I got a lot of use out of the audio version rather than the hardcopy book. My spouse also would read from it to me at night before bed.

I'm task oriented, so "service" is one of my major expressions of love. My spouse’s is all about taking and "affirmation." So when I would come home from work and start DOING things, she would have actually preferred that I sat down and just TALKED to her. When she would sit and talk to me after work and all I could see was the breakfast stuff still left out from that morning, I would feel unloved because she didn't pick up after breakfast for me. She didn't feel loved because I just wanted to clean up rather than talk. It is a vicious circle. From listening to that book, I learned to take the time to sit and talk to her or just sit next to her even if things were messy, and she learned that when I came home to a picked up room, I would feel cared for and more able to hear her. It became a better cycle. We still screw it up, but it is way better presently.

Now, a very important thing we both learned from reading that book together that we would never have figured out otherwise is that one of my major love languages is touch. I didn’t really know this about myself until We/I thought about it for a while. The fact that she touched the other men was particularly devastating to me. I feel that reading this book helped her wrap her mind around a lot of my specific angers over her affairs. Something to think about.

Anyway, I hope you keep us informed about how things go.

I found that after my spouse’s shrink sessions that I would want to dog her into telling me about it. You might consider letting your spouse know that you want him to share what he took from the session (if you do), and set a time for that conversation when you both have nothing else going on. I found that my spouse’s shrink would often have wisdom useful for both of us, and that my spouse was in the teaching seat during her post shrink conversations with me (me in the listening seat) and I think that empowered my spouse to take a proactive role in our healing process.    

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.