Trying to recover from his emotional affair
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|Tue, 09-13-2011 - 1:41am|
I posted on another forum about a week ago but thought I'd write an update. I found out about 10 days ago that during a rough patch in our relationship in which we were trying to decide whether we would stay together or not, my boyfriend was carrying on an emotional affair with a woman he works with. I suspected something inappropriate was going on at the time and he always denied it. Not feeling secure (and wondering what was "wrong" with me that I couldn't just calm down and trust him) was the cause of much heartache for me.
Things had gotten much better over the last few months; we both did a lot of soul-searching and re-dedicated ourselves to the relationship and have since then been very happy. That is until 10 days ago when I gave in to a temptation and read his email when I was at his house alone and found out that during the time I had suspected it, they were having what I would consider an emotional affair. He ended it months ago, I saw that clearly in his emails. He insists that there was no physical or sexual relationship and I saw no evidence of one in their emails.
I love him and want to move forward; I believe our relationship (in its current incarnation especially) is strong enough to survive this. What I'm having trouble with is the pain of sitting at home alone remembering his words to her, thinking about the intimacies they shared, wondering how I can ever know (or trust to a reasonable degree) that he's being faithful to me from now on. I couldn't get ahold of him during the day today and it was all I could do to talk to myself down from going to his work to "see" for myself that nothing inappropriate was going on (this is irrational, I know); I didn't of course, but the feelings of wanting to, of not trusting him, are devestating, not to mention deeply intrusive.
Sometimes I feel like everything's fine and it's not a big deal, and then sometimes like tonight I don't know what to do. He has been totally supportive and un-defensive through the process and will talk to me about it ad nauseum, I know. I've talked to my regular counsellor about it as well as close friends (he hasn't talked to anyone but me, though I'm encouraging him to). The logical, rational part of my brain knows we need time to work through this. And the emotional part of me feels like a big mess. I'm so hurt and angry at them for carrying on as they did, and at him especially for participating in making me feel crazy for suspecting there was something wrong at the time.
I guess I'm looking for advice, for things that have worked for you, in blocking out the details and moving forward. Right now I'm sharing what I'm going through with him when I go through it (I'll email or call and he's always up for talking) but there's a part of me that feels guilty about that, feels like it's putting too much on him. I know that might be irrational too, but it's just hard to see someone you love so much suffer (even if their suffering is a result of their own stupid choices).