Two years later and it still hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2012
Two years later and it still hurts
5
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 2:19am

Hey everyone.  I'm having a hard time right now.  My husband had an emotional and sexual affair two years ago.  A "friend" of ours.  She held me when I cried, told me I was worth more than the pain I felt.  Pretended to care about me.  All to get into my husbands pants.  It broke me.  It broke me that the man I trusted 100% threw my heart away like it was worthless.

He came to his senses.  He begged me to stay.  He stopped talking to her.  He did everything right.  I forgave him.  I moved on.  I swore to give him another chance, because he earned that chance.

But it's been two years.  Now the problem is mine.  I look at him...and feel nothing.  It's like the love I had for him died with the betrayal.  I keep thinking that with time I will love him again.  I do still love him.  I just don't trust him.  I don't feel the spark.  I don't feel passion.  I don't feel the need to be around him.  I'm happier alone.  I can watch my shows, read my books, lose myself in the world in my head instead of the world I live in.  I'd rather be in my head than in my life.

Every time I look at him, I see the man that broke me.  Not just my heart.  Me.  I was so trusting.  I believe in him 100%.  I never believed in anyone the way I believed in him.  I never trusted anyone.  I've always been skeptical of people.  I never trust.  I gave him my all and he found me lacking.  He went to someone else instead of me.  We found out we were infertile, and he cheated.  Because I can't give him a baby.  It took my breath away.  It still does.

I love this man.  I do.  I still feel that.  But its so far away.  Like a shadow in a dim room.  I just want to feel passion again.  I've lost passion for everything.  I wake up and just want to go back to sleep.  I wish I hated him.  Then I would feel something at least.  I just feel empty.  Lonely.  Unwanted.  I know this is in my head.  He really has moved heaven and earth to prove he loves me and this is where he wants to be.  I just don't feel the same way anymore.

I don't want to leave.  I do love him.  I'm just lost.  The only time I feel even remotely okay is when I'm drunk or taking my pain medicine.  I know its bad.  I know its wrong.  But its better than the alternative.  I have days I just want it to end.  This emptiness.  I just want to put a bullet in my brain.  Why did he do this to me?  Why does he get to smile and be happy?  I do eveyrthing I can to make him happy.  I want to.  But I get so angry when he is.  How dare he?  He made my life hell for eight months.  I used to lay in bed with him, resting a finger against his back while he slept, because he wouldn't let me touch him during the day.  I went weeks without someone touching me.  Weeks without a hug.  Begging him to let me kiss his cheek before work.  I texted him I love you.  Lucky if I got a Luv U in return.  I knew he was lying.  That he didn't love me anymore.  I took pictures of every Luv U, afraid it would be my last one.  I wore his shirts under mine, to smell him.  To pretend he still loved me.  I wrote him letters.  I packed his lunches.  I hung on every word he said, because he was actually speaking to me.  I just remember laying in bed, my fingers on his back, wishing I could hold him.

And now I don't feel any of it.  I hold him all the time.  He holds me.  All I feel is anger.  Is emptiness.  Is this what I fought for?  Is this the man I wanted to live and breathe for?  He's a good man.  We had problems, and we are working to make sure we never get that far apart again.  I made mistakes.  I pushed him away.  I own my part in this.  But dammit, I am tired of it.  I am tired of feeling so dead inside.

Sorry.  I just had to get this out.  He lets me talk to him about it, but it hurts him.  It hurts him to know he damaged me like this.  I just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 9:52am

I'm sorry this happened to you.  It happened to me as well.  My husband requested a divorce over it and I gave up the fight and gave him one.  Too late he realized he made a mistake.  Begged to come back.  I tried to reconcile with him but we had other issues as well (his drinking) and I couldn't do it.  Unfortunately trust is hard to regain but if you truly love him I hope that in time you will.....it may never be 100% again but I hope enough to get you through.  Love isn't something that is around every corner and I believe if you both have that love you have to fight to make it work. I know it sounds cliche but have you considered marriage counseling? There was a point prior to my exes affair that we went and surprisingly to me it really did help and he did quit drinking for a few years and we both learned to communicate with each other better. Wishing you the best.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 9:59am

Sounds like you definitely needs professional counseling. I suggest both individual counseling for your depression and marriage counseling, since even though he's proven he wants to save the marriage, you're still not at the point where you can be content in the marriage. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 2:10am

You sound depressed, as in "need medical help for it" depressed. I think you should deal with the depression first because if you don't, you probably won't get far in marriage counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 4:27pm

Hi there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You may want to check out www.focusonthefamily.com. They have an article series on restoration in marriage after an affair that you may find helpful. They also have free counseling services. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 02-02-2014 - 2:30am

Oh, rings a bell big time.  If it helps, I am quite sure you are NOT alone feeling everything you wrote.  They do this and it changes you, it changes your relationship, it changes how you feel about them and the relationship itself.  I understand completely that your feelings toward him are not what they once were - same story here.  My DH knows that, I hold back nothing - NOTHING - anymore, he hears it all because we finally need total honesty in our marriage of 43 years.  I also don't really know how to move forward from this point, it's like his EAs (two) just changed me inside somehow, I don't feel like the same person anymore and am so stuck in the past.  You are obviously really depressed and obsessing, and I agree that counseling is a must for you - now.  This whole thing is making you miserable and I also experience that iffy feeling you seem to be alluding to - we also snuggle a lot and yet at the same time I'm angry because I've always worked so hard to make our marriage work.  We'll be snuggling and the thought crosses my mind - ok, you need hugs, reassurance, touch, closeness.......BUT at the same time it feels kinda bizarre turning to the person who had such a big role in you ending up feeling sooooooo lousy.  Sort of makes you feel crazy.  You need to figure out what you really want for yourself and talk to a professional about how you got where you are and what is in your best interest.  Take heart, though - it all makes you feel so alone, but you aren't.  You've joined a club no none wants to be a member of.  Don't make any drastic decisions right now, though - it's just too confusing when you're still "in the middle of it".