Two years later and it still hurts
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|Sun, 12-29-2013 - 2:19am|
Hey everyone. I'm having a hard time right now. My husband had an emotional and sexual affair two years ago. A "friend" of ours. She held me when I cried, told me I was worth more than the pain I felt. Pretended to care about me. All to get into my husbands pants. It broke me. It broke me that the man I trusted 100% threw my heart away like it was worthless.
He came to his senses. He begged me to stay. He stopped talking to her. He did everything right. I forgave him. I moved on. I swore to give him another chance, because he earned that chance.
But it's been two years. Now the problem is mine. I look at him...and feel nothing. It's like the love I had for him died with the betrayal. I keep thinking that with time I will love him again. I do still love him. I just don't trust him. I don't feel the spark. I don't feel passion. I don't feel the need to be around him. I'm happier alone. I can watch my shows, read my books, lose myself in the world in my head instead of the world I live in. I'd rather be in my head than in my life.
Every time I look at him, I see the man that broke me. Not just my heart. Me. I was so trusting. I believe in him 100%. I never believed in anyone the way I believed in him. I never trusted anyone. I've always been skeptical of people. I never trust. I gave him my all and he found me lacking. He went to someone else instead of me. We found out we were infertile, and he cheated. Because I can't give him a baby. It took my breath away. It still does.
I love this man. I do. I still feel that. But its so far away. Like a shadow in a dim room. I just want to feel passion again. I've lost passion for everything. I wake up and just want to go back to sleep. I wish I hated him. Then I would feel something at least. I just feel empty. Lonely. Unwanted. I know this is in my head. He really has moved heaven and earth to prove he loves me and this is where he wants to be. I just don't feel the same way anymore.
I don't want to leave. I do love him. I'm just lost. The only time I feel even remotely okay is when I'm drunk or taking my pain medicine. I know its bad. I know its wrong. But its better than the alternative. I have days I just want it to end. This emptiness. I just want to put a bullet in my brain. Why did he do this to me? Why does he get to smile and be happy? I do eveyrthing I can to make him happy. I want to. But I get so angry when he is. How dare he? He made my life hell for eight months. I used to lay in bed with him, resting a finger against his back while he slept, because he wouldn't let me touch him during the day. I went weeks without someone touching me. Weeks without a hug. Begging him to let me kiss his cheek before work. I texted him I love you. Lucky if I got a Luv U in return. I knew he was lying. That he didn't love me anymore. I took pictures of every Luv U, afraid it would be my last one. I wore his shirts under mine, to smell him. To pretend he still loved me. I wrote him letters. I packed his lunches. I hung on every word he said, because he was actually speaking to me. I just remember laying in bed, my fingers on his back, wishing I could hold him.
And now I don't feel any of it. I hold him all the time. He holds me. All I feel is anger. Is emptiness. Is this what I fought for? Is this the man I wanted to live and breathe for? He's a good man. We had problems, and we are working to make sure we never get that far apart again. I made mistakes. I pushed him away. I own my part in this. But dammit, I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling so dead inside.
Sorry. I just had to get this out. He lets me talk to him about it, but it hurts him. It hurts him to know he damaged me like this. I just don't know what to do.