Venting - first time admitted to feeling
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|Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:51pm|
I'm in a weird place. My d day was 18 months ago and we have been rebulding. My husband has done everything right. He is remorseful and hates himself for what happened (or so he says). I love him and didn't leave after I found out about the affair because I couldn't - I mean physically or emotionally. I knew I would stay no matter what.
I hated this about myself (still do.). But I'm glad I didn't make any rash descisions after finding out. My husband really did admit that he was wrong (the first time in our then 25 year relationship, 5 years of dating (since we were 16) and 20 years of marriage).
He worked hard on making amends and being sesitive about my feelings. He stated he knew he had hurt me and if he could would go back in time and change his behavior he would.
My problem is, is that after 18 months I still have alot of resentment and I want to talk about the affair. My husband began to get mad 3 months after admitting the A, if I wanted to bring it up. He stated it is the past and that we couldn't go forward if we lived in the past. But even though I agree fully with him, I can't let go of my hurt and anger. I think about the A all the time. I imagine what they did together, what he said to her (that he says to me now). I've learned not to say anything to him when I do because it only results in a big fight, and I end up feeling worse than before. What is wrong with me????
My question is, am I that juvenile? Do I want to hold onto the hurt and anger, even though the only one that's being hurt by it is me? This A has changed my whole life, somedays I wished I'd never found out, but of course that wouldn't change what had really been going on, would it? I still feel doublely betrayed. My husband and his whore decided that we all should be couples friends (she is also married) our sons were the same age and became great friends. I thought of her as one of my girlfriends. We spent about 16 months in each others houses, eating, playing cards, going out. We celebrated birthday's and anniversaries together. I watched her son so that my husband and her could go to hockey games together (something I wasn't interested in but that they both loved)at least 6 times a month during that time (I now know that on the way to and from the games they screwed each other). Our children went to the same day care, I should have know when my husband volunteered to take my son to daycare it wasn't to make my life easier (I am sooooooooooo stupid). My husband has always acted like he would die without me and that our marriage was the MOST important thing to him. During our marriage (including the 6-8 months the A was happening) he has always written me long love letters, telling me how much he loves me and how he couldn't live without me, etc...
The strange thing about it, was that when my husband finally told me about the A he stated it was to keep our marraige together, and if I'm not damned she said the exact same thing to me when I confronted her. Neither of them saw themselves as doing anything wrong to my marriage (or that fact her's). When I found out her husband didn't know, after three months of debating about it, I called him and told him about it. To tell the truth I wanted (and still do) to see her hurt, even half as much as I have hurt and seem to continue to be hurt. How do I TRUELY let this go? I know better, this isn't helping me, but I hate her and I want to punish them both for what they did.
Do I really want to rebuild or do I just want to get even? To me there is nothing special about our relationship anymore, the thing I thought he only shared with me was just a lie. Two anniversaries have gone by since I found out and the only thing they make me feel is disgust and sorrow. He had been talking about renewing our vows for a while but after I've ignored the requests or said no so many times he's stop asking.
Some days he's wonderful and I couldn't live without him and some days I can't stand the sight of him. Will this ever stop? Why do I want to know how this has affected the OW life and if she has had to "pay" for what she did? I feel like he has gotten off too easy - but then what is the point of trying to rebuild when I feel like this sometimes? Is this normal?
Sorry this has been so long - there is no one else to talk to that would understand what I'm going though. I hope someone can help me understand what it is I'm doing right now.