WDYT? Should I D?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
WDYT? Should I D?
13
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:03am

Okay - so we are six weeks into half-butt rebuilding (no MC, no NC - says they were 'just friends'- I find that HARD to believe). DH is still working w/ OW. I notice a call on the cell phone record Sunday to his work at 5:38 Friday. It was only one minute and he was on the way home at that time, I don't think anyone was there to talk to. When he was having his A, he would always call her on his way home (not sure why?) so I am leery. Well, he had called me right after this call to tell me he was on his way home so when I looked at his actual phone, he had deleted his call lists right before he called me cuz that phone call is the only one there. When I asked him about it he said "How do you know who I called? I cleared my phone." He didn't realize I can see the records online. So I told him I saw it online. Then he said "She wasn't even there Friday. I had left something out and needed someone to put it up for me but noone was there. Anyway, you think I would be that stupid?" Well, duh, yeah, esp if you thought I didn't have another record of your calls!!!!

Oh and Saturday (before I checked the phone) he told me that OW was leaving the country at the end of July. I suppose I will be dealing w/ a heartbreak at that point if we are still together. That will be grand, him moping around w/ a broken heart and actually thinking I don't have a clue! If indeed he is telling the truth about her leaving and not just trying to get me off his back about getting another job. It just feels like all this is fixing to come to a head, what if she decides not to go w/ her DH and they decide to stay together? I just have all these scenarios (probably overblown) going on in my head, makes me want to start a divorce first just so I won't be blindsided. Is this normal or am I nuts?

It's just that he deleted his call lists right after the call and just that general 'gut feeling'. Or maybe he just knows I would question the call even if it was legit so he deleted it to avoid another unnecessary conflict? I don't know, I just see it as he is still deceiving me and think I just need to wake up from this fairy tale, realize I'm married to a cake-eater and go ahead and file. Need an opinion! Thanks so much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:41am

I know what you mean about the gut feeling. My H always deletes his calls on his phone. He uses it for work and says that at times he can't hear it so he clears it so he can see who has called if he is unable to hear it. He does know that I am looking at his calls on line and has been very open with the phone. It is just one of those red flag things that I hate.. He had a secret phone with his xow so cell phone of any kind bug me when they come to him...

As for your DH. I would make it very clear to him that there has to NC this needs to be a deal breaker with you. If he is allowed to fence sit he will. You need to stand strong on this. He needs to understand any contact outside of work and even that is to be on need to want. Is not alright with you. That if he keeps disrespecting you in this way he will force you to ask him to leave.

Good luck to you. Keep posting and know you are not alone..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:54am

blewbelle - I agree with your gut feeling... "I just see it as he is still deceiving me and think I just need to wake up from this fairy tale, realize I'm married to a cake-eater and go ahead and file"

There's something still going on. Its very common for the WS to still keep the A going even after Dday. He's only cake-eating bc you are allowing it. You've found clues that he's hiding things. He needs to be a total open book. And believe me, when WS are truly committed to rebuilding you'll know. He'll be happy to show you everything so you can start believing in him again. If thats not happening then its not rebuilding. I know this from experience. Our first attempt at rebuilding was really me trying and him hiding even more. The second attempt was totally different. I had access to everything in his life and he was happy that I checked up on him bc then he had proof he was serious

I think you should ask him to do MC with you if he's serious about rebuilding. I hope he agrees to MC but even if he does, he could still not be rebuilding. The first few sessions of MC, my H was dodging everything and was secretly still seeing OW. It only works if he's committed to making it work. If he's not willing to go or if you do go but don't see any progress, talk to a lawyer and start separating yourself from him. The fencesitting stage is very painful and you'll be doing yourself a favor by stopping it.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:55am

Listen to your gut. My STBX started deleting (or hiding) emails from his "supposedly" XOW. At the time he claimed all of their contact was strictly business. Needless to say, it wasn't. They had started the affair back up again (if it ever really ended to being with).

I'm sorry, but IMHO, my gut tells me the same thing that yours is screaming at you - the affair is still going on. He's not really trying, you said so yourself. He's not doing MC, he's not sticking to NC and he won't switch jobs. My STBX did the exact same things.

I'm so sorry honey. It's so sad when they won't even try and when they treat us like we're stupid or something. I can't tell you whether you should D or not - that is a decision only you can make. But I can tell you to listen to your gut and your head. Unfortunately, our hearts aren't always thinking straight in these situations.

Best of luck to you,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 12:48pm

Let me ask you...what is your husband doing to make this right? Anything? He has do to something. Are you seeing any indication that rebuilding is a priority for him? It looks to me like he is still calling all the shots. You have to set some boudries and take back some control. If he is unwilling to make even the smallest attempt, you probably have the answer to your own question.

Hang in there....Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 9:11am
Well, everything blew up again this morning. I was checking his credit card and there was a lunch Friday for 28 bucks. I blew up which I shouldn't have and started in with the accusations. I know he is just going to make up some lie which is why I can't bring myself to ask 'nicely', which he told me he took a male friend to lunch cuz he paid last time. I don't even know why I confront him with this. Will I ever learn? So then he tells me I'm not even trying and he doesn't want to talk about it. And why am I still looking at his accounts? He says that is just as bad as the lies and deceit he put me thru. A lie is a lie he says and looking at someone's account behind their back is a lie. I told him my motives were different, I need to feel safe and he needs to find out why he had to go to someone else so this doesn't happen again. He doesn't need to go to MC to find out what is wrong with me. All he did was talk to some girl and he doesn't deserve this. On dday he admitted to 'crossing a line' but now as time passes he is perfectly innocent and now he has made me out as doing all this cuz I'm crazy and possessive over him 'talking' to another woman. We are literally back at square one with this. I know the accusations aren't helping but it's been six weeks now and nothing has changed. He says yes I have changed, I am holding your hand, more attentive, etc. but I am the one who has reached out for his hand and he has just LET me hold it instead of pulling away like he has done since the kids were born. Our physical attraction went down the drain when I got pregnant and no, I didn't get fat and am now back at 120 lbs and look 'great' so that is something he has had to deal w/ mentally - another story but it still contributes greatly to my dissatisfaction. I don't feel safe in this relationship and he says he doesn't either since he's always asleep when I confront him, never mind the fact his lazy butt needed to get up 30 minutes ago anyway which irks me to no end.

Bottom line is this guy is completely P/A and I have to make an appt w/ a lawyer to separate myself from his poison. This is going to be very difficult for me. We met in junior high and have two kids. I do have the means to stay in the marital home so that is good. But I will be alone for the first time in my life. But it's like someone on this board said something like 'When you can't take any more you will leave.' I guess at some point being alone doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion and am out of touch w/ reality about what is legit to go on in a samesex office relationship, but I have worked for years in an office and never been talked to like he was talking to her. Oh there have been opportunities but I made it clear my marital status and it either ended or remained platonic. Sorry I'm rambling..... Thank you all for listening. I will keep you posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 10:20am

If he's saying that checking his accounts is just as bad as lying and deceiving, I agree you need to start moving on your plans. A person who is truly remorseful will be eager to show you how honest they are being. When you ask him questions and try talking to him, its like you're trying to rationalize with an insane person. Thats probably why you feel like talking it out with him is pointless, but its that little part inside of you that wants to believe him. Keep trusting your gut that this is not right, because its not.

huge hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 12:38pm
Did your H ever read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? I don't think you can make real progress until he admits that he did indeed cross the line--it doesn't have to be physical to be an affair!! Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 12:40pm
No he won't read anything. After the Affair has been on his nightstand since two days after dday we bought it and he promised to read it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:40am

I told H last night I was not happy, he had promised to move mountains six weeks ago to get me to forgive him and that clearly isn't happening. I told him I had an appt w/ an atty Thur to file for D. He said 'I'm not your dog and I am not jumping thru any hoops for you so ok'.

But then he came to bed later and we drove into work together as usual. He said he needed to get a parking space. But then, he hugged me after we got out of the car. WTF? I usually just get this pathetic little peck. I want him to turn this around so bad, my friend went thru the same exact thing and the only thing that got her H to turn around was to file for D. I know I still have hope but then I am just so devastated.

I told him last night the D would be very difficult for me since I still want to try to rebuild but can't do it by myself and would probably have mixed emotions for some time and that he would need to respect that and give me space. I can not be friends with him although I want to make it as amicable as possible for the kids. So why the hug? And why did he come to bed and ride in with me? I should grow balls and tell him to get the heck out. I will do that tomorrow after my appt. I have to....

Thank you all, I will keep posting as something is going to give on this very soon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:31pm

STBX was more affectionate and compassionate

Solazzo

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