Wedding rings?? (long) Confused !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Wedding rings?? (long) Confused !!!
7
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:42pm

My h and I have been talking about getting new wedding bands. Let me give you a little back story. We got married in 95. In 2000 my H stopped wearing his wedding band because he said it was too loose we had it sized 3 or 4 times due to weight loss and gain over the 5 years he did wear the ring. So it had become kind of thin as a result. Anyway, I did not thing anything of it as I felt we had this bond that could not possibly get broken. Talk about love being BLIND!! Anyway, once d-day came around and we were "rebuilding" he started to wear the ring again. Only he had not stop seeing her and it took 7 more months for things to end. During the end when I found my own place and he was begging to come home I had his ring and mine in a storage box. I refused to give it to him and would not wear mine. Itold him he had made a fool out of me and our marriage and the bands did not hold any meaning to him so what should he care..

About 4 months into our real rebuilding he asked me for his ring and asked if i would wear mine. I agreed but to this day I hate the rings! The sparkle they once had is gone! I have not attachment to them as I once did. To be honest it kind of makes me angry when I see his on him. I feel he is only wearing out of guilt now..

During Christmas he bought me a emerald and dimond anniversary band. I love it and the best part was I did not ask for it! On New Years he asked me if I would consider getting us new wedding bands. He said he understands my feelings behind the ones we have now and would like to have new ones as a symbol of his love commitment.. Well as you all know when we hear things like that after the A. The emotional rollercoaster starts up that steep hill.. You feel like vomiting, then like ripping their heads off, then it turns to tears of who knows what joy, pain, happy sad.. pick one it will work.. Then this strange peacful feeling like WOW maybe we will be fine!?!?!?!?! To OMG what is going on here..

Anyway, I guess I could not make this long story short. I have decided I do want new rinfs. Last night he asked me what I wanted to do with them. I said "throw them in the ocean!" He looked really hurt.. But few hours latter he came to me and said, "lets throw them in the ocean!" I looked at him like he was crazy because we were not even talking about our rings at that point... Then he said, "we can go back to the beach where we got married and we can both throw our rings in the ocean!" "Then put our new ones on it will be a fresh start!!!" He was like a little kid. He was so proud of himself for thinking of this!

All day long I have been thinking about it and he maybe right. But then there is that part of me that says no. You can't throw the old rings in the ocean! What kind of Karma would that bring??

So that is why I am confused do any of you think it would be bad luck? Or as my H says a fresh start??? i am so confused any thoughts would be great.

Thanks for reading Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 5:11pm

I think it's a wonderful idea!

During the affair, H lost his ring (truly, the day he took it off, he put it in his pocket and then lost it... I believe this to be true based on some info I have). Anyway, I had worn my rings on and off during the affair, but when my H left for the last time (befoe the final reconciliation) I was so disgusted that I took my rings off and swore never to wear them again (and I haven't).

We began our official reconciliation at the beginning of December and for Christmas, we both decided to get new rings (and have my diamond reset as well). It really touched my heart that H was so excited about this. He couldn't wait to get his and show it off (which he did).

I will never put my old ring on again. The vows we made with it were broken and it means nothing to me now. I can only hope that we will be able to wear our new rings "til death do us part."

Each of us will have diffeent feelings about our wedding bands. Do not be pressured to do something you don't want to. Go with your heart and karma will be good to you no matter what you decide.

bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:03pm

What a great gift to get after the year you've been through (your emerald ring). I think the ocean thing is a great idea, very symbolic of what you've been through and letting it all go. I love that your H comes up with these ideas on his own!

I have a question for you. I asked H to give me something special for Xmas that I can keep to remember the year our M survived. It didn't have to be expensive, just something that was symbolic of our year. I never ask for anything, I'm not materialistic so H was sort of surprised. I ended up getting a jogging suit. I was grateful for the gift and never said anything but deep inside I can't believe he didn't buy me something I can look at and think of the fresh start. Should I say anything about it to him? H has been so busy working to be a good provider and father that I feel bad thinking this way. Having my H's heart back is gift enough right?

hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:17am

That's so crazy that you posted this because I have been somewhat obsessing about the same things. Now that things have been really good I am often looking down at my ring and have lots of hate but love for it. I took off my wedding ring and will no longer wear it. I do wear my engagement ring and I bought a band for a wedding ring until I can decide what I want to do as in replacement. I then took off the band because I didn't like it, it didn't feel special and I wear it on my right hand. My 7yr old asked me why I wore that band on that hand. He pretty much figured it out because a while ago we discussed the purpose of widows wearing their rings on their right hand and married woman wearing on their left hand so I felt guilty because I didn't want them knowing our problems. But he knows that I always wear my ring *engagment* on my left hand so that people know that I am married.

HERES A QUESTION. DO WE HAVE ANY PROFESSIONAL JEWELERS here? I was informed that there are only 7 machines that can really melt your original gold into a different mold so that when we believe we have our jewelry redesigned MOST of the time it is not true. What I want to know if this is true? This jeweler told me that "real" melted gold will look very matted and old looking due to having it redesigned. IS THIS TRUE? I can't imagine why she would lie to me but I have friends who swear they thought they had their jewelry redesigned. This jeweler told me that there were far and few in between of company's who actually have the machine to melt the gold. She's has a good reputation so I can't imagine her lying but I want to know if there is any truth to this. Which is the reason I haven't had my engagement ring redesigned. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE AND KNOWLEDGE ON THIS?????????????????

Okay back to the subject. Irene I also am having a hard time getting rid of the old rings. I feel uncomfortable with getting rid of the old and getting new. But I don't know what the solution is. Which is the reason I feel very comfortable with getting rid of my WEDDING ring but not my engagement. Here is something that may help you. If you got married in a catholic church something that is usually said is "with this ring I thee wed" So my when my husband put his wedding ring on me my wedding ring is a reminder of his wedding vows to me. As my husband's wedding ring is my vow's to him. I do feel insulted that he wore his ring during his affair. In fact he does feel naked without his ring I really don't know what to do about his ring but I know what I want to do about my ring. Our 10 yr was last year and I had every intention of having my ring redesigned even before I knew of his affair. He also wanted something that wasn't so flashy.

Good luck coming to a conclusion. I just posted my thoughts. tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:34am
I am glad you defined the emotional rollercoaster. Now I know why my emotions are so irratic! But the symbolisim of getting rid of the old rings and getting new ones should help. It's worth a try!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:48pm

My DH had his A 1 year and 4 months ago. I started lurking on this board then. I have never posted here before. I would, and I think that I will someday, throw our old rings in the ocean. It was in the fall of '04 and it was with my best friend. After he came clean and told me what he was up to, I took him back. It has been a hard road, but worth it. He had always worn his ring on a chain around his neck because of his job, he took that off when he left me, and I took my ring off my finger then as well. When all was said and done, we neither one put our rings back on. It was in the fall, and we didn't have much extra cash, planning for christmas for the kids and all, but we ended up with sterling silver bands from a novelty/piercing studio in town. Mine cost 15.00. We did not put them on right away, but he surprised me on new years eve of 04 by having them with us while we were celebrating. He took me downtown, and as the fireworks were going off behind us, he put my 15 dollar ring on my finger and said that he would love me forever. It meant 1000 times more to me than the first time he put a ring on my finger. Now, that $15 ring never comes off my finger, and he wears his on his finger as well, instead of around his neck. Our old rings are in a box under our bathroom sink.

M

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:09am

Hmmmmmm.....

I don't think it would bring bad Karma, as the 1st poster said, if it feels right than it shouldn't mess it up. BUT...

There were also many good times before the A. The engagement & wedding had to of been good & those are tied up with the rings. There is a rebirth here, but I don't think all of yester-year needs to be tossed aside. It is still the foundation.

What about finding something else symbolic of your troubled times in your marriage? Something that may be a trigger of the A. Toss it into the ocean & then put your wedding bands, along with good memories of your marriage, into a time capsule. Then maybe, one day, far in the future, you can pull it out and look positively on your innocence???

------

I'm proud of you H! How beautiful to be wanting to recommit in such a passionate way. What a way to feel special again. It's been just over a year right?

I, personally, love my ring. But they are not the bands we were married in. H and I have already had a rebirth 6 years ago, not due to an A, or at least with a person, he is bipolar & was self-medicating. I nearly left him, but he hospitalized himself 2w before I planned on leaving (he didn't know about my plan). When I look at my ring I think of that rebirth and what we did to find these rings, which was a lot of fun. But my H never let his ring leave his body the entire time he was gone. He put it on a chain around his neck. The OW did ask why he didn't take it off & he said he couldn't. He told me this AFTER I asked him this past weekend what he did with it while the were physical. (As I kept imagining this fairly large, definately heavy ring swinging in her face - and I was right.) H did say he would put it behind his back sometimes. This throws me through a loop as that means they BOTH had to be thinking of me during some of their PA. But it also lets me see he never actually gave up on our marriage, even when he was nearly certain he would never come back - when he thought it would be me who wouldn't let him back or when he thought he wanted completely out. Maybe that is why I don't have such the harsh feelings toward my ring.

Take time to think about it. Try to put yourself 10-20 years ahead and think if you'll ever miss your current rings. If not I think the symbology is beautiful.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:27pm

I had the diamonds taken out of my ring and put into a necklace, kind of to still be close to my heart. My jeweler told me that he couldnt salvage the gold and would put the jewels in a special designed setting to fit the number/shape of the diamonds. Like you I could not even put that ring on my finger anymore because those vows were broken and no longer special to my heart (h even started to cry when we said our vows on our wedding day - seems so long ago). I told my H I would never wear that ring again. But I felt I earned those diamonds for the 12 years I wore them faithful to my vows! I wear that necklace everyday, he sees it everyday and he knows why its there, everyday.

months go by, fencesitting, seperating, fighting, crying ect.....

Since then my husband has given me an even bigger wedding ring and he wrote his own set of vows and read them to me in front of my fireplace in my apartment, asking me to be his wife again. We are trying. Its one day at a time, i read a post from someone saying she loves her H but is not +in love+ with him anymore and that hoping it will come back during her rebuild. I guess that is what I am doing, sticking with it in hopes that my feelings for my H will grow deeper. I do not love him the way I used to, because I cannot give him all of me just yet. not after everything he has done, But I am giving him, us and that faith of a stronger love that chance to try to grow.