We're trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
We're trying
17
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:15am

Hello,

I can't say I'm happy to see so many others in my same situation, but it is nice to find a place for support. I feel for all of you, us.

M for 7 years, I learned he has had 5 affairs over the last 3 years. Through work he travels a lot, and the OW developed on his travels. The last one I learned he wrote he loved her. She is 2 mos older than our oldest son. He says he broke off the relationship. Verified In e-mails he wrote to OW. Although I have e-mail and ph. no. for OW, I have never contacted her, nor do I want to. He asked if I thought our M was salvageable? I know I'm a fool, but I said it's worth a try. We are 1 week into rebuilding. Never separated. He says he never stopped loving me. We both acknowledge it will be difficult but want to try.

I can't help feeling like it is a waste of time. How do I ever trust? He will continue to travel due to work, totally unavoidable. We have talked about seeking MC but have not started. I know he really doesn't don't want to because he is embarrassed by his actions. This is my 2nd M, his first. I did not love my first H. But I am definitely in love with my 2nd and last H now. So much so it hurts. I know I can survive alone, but I still love my H and want to be with him. If he is willing to try, claims to still love me too, what am I to do?

Can anyone whose M has survived please offer advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:35am

Stilllovehim - I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've come to a great place for advice and support. Its comforting to hear about others who have been through this before.

You don't have to make any serious decisions at this point. If you love him and want to try, then thats a start. He should be very lucky that you are willing to do that.

Sift through everything and use MC as a great forum to do that in. Try IC if you need that too, I did and it was helpful.

As you're working through your feelings, watch his behavior. If he's honestly remorseful and willing to do anything to salvage the M, then it will show. It has to be a two-person effort or else it won't work.

Think about the M as a whole. You say you love him, and thats a good start, but look at everything. Has he been a good partner to you? How do you communicate with eachother? Think over everything about the M and be honest with yourself about why you would want to keep it. The more honest you are, the better decision you will make. This is where IC could come in helpful.

Have you set conditions for him to follow if you are to try rebuilding? No contact with OW is huge, being an open book about his life, and talking about why he strayed in the M are very common ones that work. The MC will help you through this.

Its a long road. If you chose to rebuild, the M you rebuild isn't the same anymore. But many marriages survive infidelity. In fact, some couples say their marriages are better than ever.

Keep posting for support. Thats what we're here for.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 4:48am

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.
As the previous post mentioned it is a huge step towards rebuilding to be willing to make the marriage work.

Here's what I didn't do at the beginning of my knowledge of the affair: I didn't ask all the horrible questions which were going round and round in my mind. This was a mistake. However, in my case I caught up on that and we are tremendously happy together again even though I have become more difficult for my H in that I don't subdue to anything so easily any more.

My advice to you is to draw out the path you feel you will be taking together over the next few months. Keep in mind, your H would absolutely prefer to forget the whole thing. In his mind the affairs are out in the open, you have said you are willing to try to rebuild, so that's it for him. BUT NOT FOR YOU.

Tell him, before it happens, that you will still be having thoughts for some time to come. You will have doubts when he is away on business. This is normal. Talk to him when you are feeling strong and not tearful. Tell him you need to know where he is at all times. My husband tells me all the time which customers he will be visiting, at what times and when he will be home. Convey to him that if one little doubt enters your mind then it is possible that your imagination goes into top gear. This you don't want.

Before my H really started communicating, my imagination was going off in all directions, even though he was extremely loving and caring to me.

You are the one who needs to heal. Think of this as something like a broken leg. Once it's in plaster and you are on crutches you can't feel the hurt. But the hurt is still there and it takes ages and ages for the leg to become completely usable and healthy again.

I have still got two questions which are open regarding my H affair and sometimes I go downhill just because of these two unanswered questions. BUT ... our relationship is now so strong that I can pick myself up again and wait until I feel I really need to ask them.

Expect the next few months to have ups and downs. Tell your H this too. Don't let him get into the frame of mind that now it's out in the open you can just get on with life. And believe me men "get over" their A easier than the BS. He did the hurting, so he should now be patient with you.

Take care of yourself and you will pull through.

Hug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 5:28am

Hannah,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

I choose to try and work things out because he had been a great partner, very giving, loving, supportive and understanding. He is probably the most unselfish man I know. Until now. I don't know the person he must have become to live such a double life.

I went through IC with the failure of my first M. It helped me, but not the M. However, I did not love him. He also was involved with OW. He was and still is the most selfish person I know. I was excited to start a new life at the end of that M. I swore I would never marry again.

However, this time, it is completely different. There is a lot of love. I just feel so haunted by the OW. I am hurt, but not angry. I think because I never really trusted men after my first M. Subconsciously I think I knew infidelity was bound to happen. I was surprised at how forgiving of him I am. I blame him, but there is no hate. I have never committed A, nor do I think I could. I don't really understand those who do, but I know it happens.

He says he was looking for an "escape". He would be away months at a time due to work. It was hard for both of us to deal with longing for each other. In looking back, I can see how easy it was for him to stray. I think that is why it is easy for me to forgive. I knew it was bound to happen. I also expected him to remain faithful, if that makes any sense.

In moving forward, I still imagine him with OW. I wonder if he was happier. He says he was not. I can't sleep, can barely eat, and am so full of doubt. I am pathetic really. I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. I should move on without him. Our M is doomed.

I will take your advice and seek counseling, with or without him. I know if he doesn't go, we don't have a chance. I just wanted to hear from people who actually continued on in their marriage and are happy. I can't imagine the M will be better.

It seems futile and hopeless to try. I can't stay in a miserable M and maintain proper health and sanity. I still hurt. It is very painful.

Thanks again for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 6:10am

Tuesday,

Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your experience. I truly appreciate it and feel desperate to learn how others rebuild, survive.

Funny thing is I don't want to keep asking questions and learn more about the affairs. I want to dismiss it from my memory. I wish I could speed up time and get past the healing process. Discussing what happened seems to pull me down further. I hate what I know already and don't want to learn more. True I need to know how to prevent things from reoccuring, but I don't want to review the past. Nor do I want to ask him where he's going every time he walks out the door. I don't want to police him. It makes me feel pitiful. Nor do I want to suspect his every phone call or every departure. What am I to do?

Neither of us wants to continue to discuss the A. It just gives me more visuals. I'd rather imagine what happened than to know the actual truth. The truth is much more painful than my imagination. I can't run from the truth, but I can quelch my imagination. I can't see how knowing the details will give me comfort. What comforts me is knowing that he loves me and wants to continue on in the M.

Things out in the open places all the OW in front of me. I see them standing beside him more clearly than I see myself. They have replaced me, I don't want to continue to give them prominence.

We both acknowledge it is not going to be easy. We know there will be many down days. He has been very patient with me. And does answer questions, but I don't like to ask. He is extremely remorseful. He expects me to explode at any minute. He's expecting me to be revengeful, to act on anger. I think he would feel better if I did. I wouldn't. I don't harbor anger, just the pain. He knows he has to earn my trust all over again and doubts I will fully ever trust him again. We know we have a hard road ahead. I just don't know if I have the strength to climb with such a badly broken leg. I think I will always have a limp.

I keep trying to be positive, but deep down I know divorce is inevitable. I know the statistics, we are destined to fail. I would give up if I knew what was best for me. I can't though because there is still a lot of love. Unrepressive love. I can't win. Oy vey!

Thanks for the hug. I needed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 7:18am
Welcome to the board. I think you should definitely get into therapy/counseling. It will be so hard to rebuild trust with his business travel and the fact that the affairs happened while he was doing this so you will need all the help you can get. Any chance you can go along on some of the trips? Your H needs to look deep inside and find out why he made such poor choices. There are good articles on the BSSG website, also http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com will offer great insight. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 9:03am

Thank you for the welcome. Everyone is very helpful and willing to share. I'm such a mess right now, I need all the help I can get. I spent at least an hour at the link you provided. You have been very helpful.

Traveling with him is difficult. My work does not make it possible. Usually he travels abroad, sometimes domestically. It will be a tough hill to climb the next time he has to leave. I don't know how I'm going to make it.

The one thing that has been constant in the advice offered is MC. I know that is the next step I need to take.

Thank you again for your sincere concern and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 9:27am

Oh, Sweetie, you are hurting so much, I can really feel it.

Every word you write reflects how you want to make this M work. Talk, talk, talk to H. Maybe you are telling him what you are writing here and that is good because he must know. Otherwise with time he could become confused as to why you can't let go of it.

I agree that you go into councelling. Although councelling together is always a good thing, it seems to be that IC is just as important for you so that you can work on your own ballast from the first M.

I get the feeling that although you want to make this M work, it will be you in the long run who "destroys" it (sorry, for that strong word but can't think of a better way of putting it right now).

Can't you take some time off and go away somewhere on your own. Somewhere you haven't been with H. Take the time to completely clear your head and then have time and the space to think about what you want out of your life.

Try to find your own path of thinking. You say your H is away so long and that you can understand why he strayed. If that helps you then focus on that fact. Even though you hoped he wouldn't, you understood. Then try to let go of it. Time will help you. Every passing moment that your H shows you his love will set you on the road to recovery.

If you continue this way then maybe your M will end. Try to envisualise that life. What feelings are set free in you?

When I found out about my H affair I envisualised him with her. After our talks and the end of the A, I envisualised my life without him. Him kissing a new partner on the fingers, in her hair (things he does with me in public) and it killed me. I then said to myself: "No, I've got him back. He's showing me in every way that it's me he wants and no other woman is going to have that because of the fact that I can't forgive and forget to such an extent that we can have a livable relationship again."

Stilllovehim, I think I've started rambling. Forgive me. But you are hurting so much and I want to do something to get you into another frame of mind.

Where there is love from both sides, then there is a future.

Please keep posting.

love and hugs
Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:15am

In reading other posts I see how other H are opening up their lives more than my H. I'm not sure he has truly let go. It hurts me. He still has OW addresses in his computer and his phone never leaves his side. It is either turned off or on vibrate.

He is more loving to me. Tells me where he is going and spends more time at home. We have been spending more time together. However, I asked him to consider MC, send e-mails to all OW who contact him, with a cc to me, that he wants to rebuild our M and inform them there will be no further contact. He has not responded to my request. I checked his computer and he has erased history. He still has OW in his address book. I should have requested he delete them as well.

It does not appear my DH is ready for me, inspite of his small steps toward healing. Maybe you are right, he is responding to my evident doubt and ultimate failure of our M. Or maybe he just moves at a different pace than other H.

I hate the confrontation but I know I have to be firm in seeing he responds positively to my requests. I'm more afraid he doesn't want to completely let go of the OW. He is under an extreme amount of pressure in his work, the biggest project he's ever had. I'm trying to make allowances for his work, but he is not giving me enough for me to move forward.

I'm trying to be patient with him due to his work, but I need more from him. I know our M can't be cured over night, but I need to see more action on his part. I can't ignore his avoidance of my requests. It's only been a week, but I expect him to start showing some sacrifices on his behalf. I know, I have to make demands. I think I'd rather just wait to see if he will move on his own. In my mind it would be more genuine. If he doesn't make a move then I know he doesn't want to rebuild and our M is over.

Why should I force him to deliver? Either he will or he won't. In the meantime I wait in agony w/o hope. I focus on my life outside the M, like work and school.

I still love him but feel he doesn't love me enough. I'm trying not to sink further down in depression like after D-day. I can't help feeling like I'm still playing the role of the fool. I must be. I wish he would do more to prove he wants our M.

Sorry for rambling, but I think this post was just me facing the hard facts. I am so jealous of the other wives whose DH are making more of an effort than my DH. I hope they survive. I just hope I'm not too impatient.

Thanks for the ear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 3:12am

Hi

My apologies for being mute but weekends are not a good time for me to be on this board.
My H knows I visit but is not keen on it because he thinks it depresses me and starts off triggers. I am in no mind to explain to him because this is my space. I was helped and now I will try.

Stilllovehim: I don't think it's a good frame of mind for you to be comparing your situation and especially how other WS seem to be reacting, to your own H. Characters are different, how they react to a certain situation, etc.

I can only repeat here: your own imagination is the biggest evil. If you have any thoughts, questions, feelings, convey these to your H. Please don't get on the "assumption rollercoater". Unless you ask the questions, you will never know if your assumptions are/were correct or not.

My H still had her three (!) nos in his phone address book a year after. And it bugged me and I didn't say anything for ages. But ...... something would trigger and I'd remember that and then I'd get in a really sh"?*y mood and become aggresive towards him. He was, understably, completely perplexed. We'd then stop talking. It was during one of these periods that I told him what was bothering me. He took out his phone and deleted the lot in front of me. We then had a laugh because I confessed that he couldn't have used the numbers anyway because I had changed them months previously. However, if I had done this earlier he would have probably hit the roof with the bu**!hit "my privacy" etc. etc.
Excuse me, he brought the OW into MY privacy, so for a while his own privacy was, in my opinion, invalid.

You see, stilllovehim, I had to take it slowly. It took me eighteen months to let out every doubt that was still inside of me. But ... that's my H. Very proud, perfect to the extent that it's difficult for him to admit mistakes.

Now you might be saying "her H did it, my won't, it hurts me that others do what my H, doesn't. But it took me, I repeat, 18 long months. And there are still two questions I will, one day, ask but the time is not yet ripe. And it's not a big problem. We are not only functioning we are in a loving, wonderful relationship again. But, if I had found out one more thing, however, small, I would have left him .... and he knows it. This fact will be valid until I die. NOTHING MORE.

What about you turn the tables. Ask him how he would feel if he were in your situation.

For me, stilllovehim, it's important that you get some help, perhaps from your doctor.
Perhaps a little medication to stop these doomsday thoughts and give you same space to think a little bit more clearly.

Please keep posting. Look after yourself. Are you eating and sleeping normally?

Hugs
Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 8:40am

This sounds familiar to me bc I did the same thing. If things don't feel right, they aren't.

After Dday #1 H promised to drop all contact and work on the M. Its what he said he wanted and I wanted it too. But he didn't act like he wanted that. Sure, he was sweet at times and said what I wanted to hear, but he kept his phone on him all the time (even in bed!) and would avoid serious questioning during our MC. THings were not right, but I had never been through this before and I didn't know what to expect. Dday #2 happened less than 2 weeks later and I was crushed all over again, only more so bc I extended the little amount of trust I had left and he burned me.

How long do you wait? How much effort do you make? Well, those are all very personal decisions. I can tell you I waited 2 months for H to be confused until I couldn't stand it anymore. I lost myself in those two months and I swear I will never let myself down again. But during that time I grew inside and became stronger. If my H didn't want the M, then there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise. I really thought he wanted me to end it bc he was too scared to make the final cut. So after 2 months of waiting, I gave up and was throwing in the towel when H made a complete turn around. Did it take him 2 months to decide? Did my leaving him get his mind back? I'm not sure and I don't think I will ever know. I can only tell you I was ready to live a life w/o him as my partner and that was a huge step for me.

Hugs, this is really tough. There's no time limit, but be true to yourself and what you need. You are the only person who can control your life - not him.

hannah

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