We're trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
We're trying
17
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:15am

Hello,

I can't say I'm happy to see so many others in my same situation, but it is nice to find a place for support. I feel for all of you, us.

M for 7 years, I learned he has had 5 affairs over the last 3 years. Through work he travels a lot, and the OW developed on his travels. The last one I learned he wrote he loved her. She is 2 mos older than our oldest son. He says he broke off the relationship. Verified In e-mails he wrote to OW. Although I have e-mail and ph. no. for OW, I have never contacted her, nor do I want to. He asked if I thought our M was salvageable? I know I'm a fool, but I said it's worth a try. We are 1 week into rebuilding. Never separated. He says he never stopped loving me. We both acknowledge it will be difficult but want to try.

I can't help feeling like it is a waste of time. How do I ever trust? He will continue to travel due to work, totally unavoidable. We have talked about seeking MC but have not started. I know he really doesn't don't want to because he is embarrassed by his actions. This is my 2nd M, his first. I did not love my first H. But I am definitely in love with my 2nd and last H now. So much so it hurts. I know I can survive alone, but I still love my H and want to be with him. If he is willing to try, claims to still love me too, what am I to do?

Can anyone whose M has survived please offer advice.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:29am

Thank you so much for your kind words and your encouragement, still. Isn't it funny the names we chose? Hmmm.

When I say DDay #1, 2 and 3, what happened is DDay #1 is the true DDay, when I saw a restaurant charge that wasn't right and was ready to dispute it when I cross referenced it against the cell phone bill and there this number was with a prefix from H's old job. He had retired on 3/31 and it was 9/3. I figured it was his old buddy at work but when I called it it was a woman' voicemail who I had never even heard of and I know of everyone, or so I thought, at H's job. I looked at previous bills and it went back to the day he left his job, every day, all day, with the exception of weekends. That's when I knew he was messing around and that it was a married woman. H denied everything.

DDay #2 was 12/18 when he vaguely admitted to a physical relationship. He still wouldn't say "we had sex" but alluded to it.

DDay #3 was 12/23 when he admitted to having the whole affair. I got angry bc after he admitted to the physical relationship on 12/18 OW called him saying that I was making prank calls and asking my H "what's wrong with her". H responded with "I don't know bc I haven't said anything to her". WTF! Why was he holding back from telling her. H didn't know I was listening to her calls to him. So I asked him if OW knew I knew to which he said no. I told him he needs to tell her and he got angry saying that he already admitted this to me and I just want more and more and more and won't let up. He said that he'll make that decision. I told him that it was obvious that he's incapable of making any decision and that his judgment was flawed. I left the next morning telling him he didn't have to tell OW anything but to do whatever the fuc* he wanted and I got divorce papers to file. H saw a paper I printed from SurvivingInfidelity.com which is an article entitled Marital Tsunami. I printed it bc it's EXACTLY how I felt, no warning, than bam! After he read that he said he knew what he had to do and called OW leaving her a message at work. OW was playing the "damsel in distress" role. That's why she was lying telling my H that I was making prank calls and that her and her H were going to file a police report and get a restraining order against ME. Here she is screwing my H and she has her H talking about getting a restraining order against me! So OW runs to her H (probably claiming my H is harrassing her). So her H returns my H's call and my H ends up making his confession to her H! And I hear the whole thing unbeknownst to them all!

My H is 54 and is very attractive but also has thinning hair that he is self conscious of. H says OW is 40. I think she's younger. I'm 51. My H is also going thru career changes, leaving one job he's been with for as long as we've been married and going into work he really loves, remodeling homes. I thought it would be an impetus of energy and vitality for him to do something he genuinely loves for the first time and I was busy making business cards for him, etc. to help him get his business off the ground. He retired with a pretty heft retirement. He never made a lot of money at his job, but he was looked up to there bc he was known for being so wise, so mature, so stable, so level headed. This is so unlike him, at least from me and his family and my family. After DDay #1 I told H one of us has to go, even tho he wouldn't admit to anything but "talking". H was walking around like he just came out of a nuclear holocaust and his family and my son wanted to know what happened to him. H went around saying that I think he's cheating on him so I told the rest of the story and why I didn't think, but knew it even tho I didn't have proof. I tapped his cell phone bc I didn't feel I could throw away 31 years of marriage on "gut" knowledge but needed proof. It wasn't that I was looking for an excuse to leave, but I *knew* and it was eating me up. I was like you. I was on the verge of a breakdown. My daughter told her fiance "my mom is in pieces" and that she'd never seen me like that. I felt like Humpty Dumpty. The Paxil does help a LOT but it doesn't change what has happened. It does take the edge off as does having a drink. I too found that I was having too many mid week cocktails when I used to have a drink maybe once every one or two months, now it was two times a week! I know drinking causes aging and I quit that fast. I look relatively young for my age and people think my son is my husband since he was a teen and he's 33.

I feel that my DH is a pro at this. Heck, it's been going on, he says, since February 05. He played it off so well. He was getting despondent and withdrawn and I kept asking him what was wrong and blamed myself for him retiring so soon and that he was having regrets. I asked him if that's what it was and he said no, it's nothing. So I thought he was lonely from not having the interaction of colleagues at work and so I took a day off work (I'm self employed too) and spent a day with him at a home he was remodeling. Turns out that OW lived not too far from that house and she was going there too and that's one of the places where they'd have sex. When I went there H didn't even approach me romantically and I found a spot on the floor and napped while he painted.

That is what hurts me now is that while I'm hurting he's wrapped up in making sure he has change to make a call from a pay phone. I'd be happy to tell you how I tapped his phone. I did tell him about it, as well as OW, bc I am so thru with this all. I don't care anymore. I cared before and where did it get me? Nowhere. As far as I'm concerned he can call her til the cows come home. I feel that's what he did anyway, was call her after he confessed to her H to 1) apologize for telling her H, and 2) to find out why she had her H call him bc I think that just blew him away bc she had my H feeling her heart belonged to my H.

I'm like you. I want to leave to start fresh but at the same time I want H to come after me. How can he come after me when I make things so convenient for him. Like you said, he hasn't been inconvenienced enough. My MC and everyone tells me not to rush to make any decision. I can't stand living in this hell anymore. I've been in a retreat all week that emphasizes to clear out the emotional garbage that is hindering you and I feel that is what I need to do. I know that OW is waiting in the wings for me to leave my H. THAT is what she wanted all along, bc my H told her that he was not leaving me for her under any circumstances. She is so ready to leave her H and this isn't her first affair. She told my H that she "had a crush" on another coworker the year before and she was working things out with her H. I told her H that I knew about this thru my H and he began questioning her why did she tell my H about that and I knew her H was having a problem keeping his wife. I want to call OW and tell her that she can have my H and that he's all hers. I don't need this. I feel that my H has issues that he's dumping on me bc I allow him to.

Okay, I'm rambling again. Please email me and I'll give you details on recording cell phone calls.

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 3:30am

My goodness. I can feel your pain. I sincerely wish you find some sort of relief. Men have no idea how much pain and suffering they put us through by their selfish actions. The loss I feel is near death. I agree, if H had died at least it would be over. We would not continue to witness the death of our M. It is the most miserable pain I've ever experienced. On D-Day my H had to keep me from completely loosing it. I did have a breakdwon in his arms. I didn't know what I was saying, it was like I wasn't there. I did not want to live through the pain. I could not believe the person I knew would be so inconsiderate and disloyal. It was totally out of character for the man I knew.

What keeps me from hating him is thinking how empty he must feel. He must feel insecure to seek attention from someone so young, the last OW is 22. H is 43. My DH is very intelligent, ambitious, successful, but impatient. He is also experiencing a career change. Youth is prided in his industry and he is no longer the fresh face in the business. I'm sure it is a hard fact for him to acknowledge. Although he doesn't look his age. He is very attractive and fit. But he is aging, thinning hair. He says the OW do not make him feel good about himself, just the opposite. He says they make him feel old. One of his passwords was "looser". He knows he is bigger than his behavior and is disappointed in himself. He is very remorseful, even before I was aware. His depression is what caused D-Day. I asked what was bothering him so. He said he felt like a failure in his business. It was guilt that finally broke him down. I know he came back because "it was the right thing to do". What I'd want more is that he finally realized he can't do without me. H says that goes without saying. Hell, then say it, it is something I need to hear.

I feel if I leave him, then I'll know how much he wants me if he comes after me. However, I have no where to go, other than the spare bedroom. I had been a SAHM. I do plan to move into the spare room over the weekend. He will have to come to me if he wants my company. I plan to distance myself from him to see if he wants to chase me and not others. I don't know what is right, or the best thing. I just feel I need to not make myself available for him. I want him to feel uncomfortable. We will start MC and maybe I will learn I'm defeating the M. Who knows.

Your H sounds like he is still caught up in the thrill. My DH is a pro. I think it is no longer thrilling for him. He's been at this for 3 years. Although at first he only admitted to the latest OW, a 2 mos relationship, when I checked his computer and learned there were others he had no choice but to confess. I bluffed and told him that he must have been with 6 or 7 OW, he said there were 5. If I had said 9 or 10, then he probably would have said 8. With the last OW he was developing some sort of relationship, but knew it was temporary. I don't think he could truly relate to OW and her broken English. There was also distance involved in all of his A. All developed while traveling for work. I've looked but can't find any evidence of further communication between H and OW. However, how do I tap into his cell phone? If I find ongoing communicaiton while H is claiming to "work on our M", I'm threw. I'm not healthy enough to endure any further heartache. I'm here because I'm believing he wants this as much as I do, if he doesn't, what's the point? He can't have both!

If your H can't break it off with OW, hence the repeat D-Day, then maybe he feels committed to her in some way. How a person can throw away 31 years is beyond me. Although I don't think most men would recognize committment even if it were a baseball bat that him them in the face. If they did understand then there would not be any A. My point is, if you can leave, leave him temporarily. Tell him you want a trial separation. It might be best for you to look at the situation away from H. H will discover what truly matters to him, and so will you. If you stay, are you prepared for the possibility of D-Day #4? For him to go out the way to call on a pay phone says he is not ready to let go. He has not been too inconvenienced, you are still there. You are hurting and he is apologizing while finding change to make calls. Remember this is just my opinion. I'm one step behind you.

You provide stability, family and the foundation. Of course, after 31 years he knows no other life. What would happen to him if you pulled the rug out from under him and left? Try it for 30 days and see what happens. Like you said, your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Well, staying has lead to repeated D-Days. Maybe reality will hit him when you're gone. Either he will realize his whole life is turned upside down or he will try to start anew. However, I think your H and OW are just being curious, testing the waters outside the ship. I doubt if either would want their ocean liner to leave the dock without them. That would explain why OW would not want you to find out about the relationship. The OW would hate for you to leave and then she would have to make a decision about her M if your H was suddenly free. Why are you the only one experiencing hardship?

Sorry for rambling. Just my opinion. I have been through one divorce after 9 years of M. Infidelity there as well. But D-Day for me then was decision day. We went to one MC session and he said I was selfish. I blew up and walked out and realized I didn't want anything more to do with him. There was no love between us, at least not from me. My current H and I have been M for 7 years. I truly love my DH...damn!

You mentioned you were on Paxil and you still feel miserable. For a while a couple of glasses of wine would help me to sleep, but I found I needed it every night. And on bad days I wanted more. I did not want to become an alcoholic so I stopped with the nightly wine. I just don't sleep. I thought anti-depressants were a sure thing. But I guess they haven't developed a drug that can pull you through a situation like yours.

You have helped me, I hope I have offered some support for you. Please do something for yourself. You're right, a girl can only take so much. I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 11:50pm

I can so relate to your pain and hurt. I too never realized the depth of my love for my H. I wonder if there's such a thing as loving too much, to the detriment of one's self. I feel like divorce is inevitable and when we make love I have such mixed feelings. On the one hand I want to cherish these moments bc I feel they can end at any time, and then on the other hand I wonder if he wishes he was with OW.

Married 31 years and we are both attractive.
DDay #1 was 4 months ago. DDay #2 was 12/18, DDay #3 was 12/23.

I get attention (as does H) all the time, but like you said, it's not other men's attention I want. I too have dropped one dress size and am now a size 8. I have really good skin tone, keep my hair colored with highlights, and keep my appearance up. Have sexy panties/bras, PJs, and have always felt good about myself ... til now. OW is younger but I'm not sure by how much, probably 10-15 years. She is married with 2 kids. If I had to do it over again I would NOT have done MC early. That's bc H wasn't ready for it and it was a complete waste. He was still calling OW (from a payphone) he claims to see if I was calling OW. Why couldn't he ask me if he was that curious? I feel that too much has happened and like you I have a few unanswered questions that are burning within me, but I'm too afraid to ask at this time bc they might take me over the edge. I bluffed and told H that OW told me they had oral sex. H said "what?!" like he was in shock. I just looked at him. Then he admitted that she "went down" on him on their first sexual encounter. I was speechless. I was numb. I asked him if he did it and he said no. I think he's lying; it's just my "gut" and I'm afraid that *when* I find out the truth I won't be able to have the same intimacy with him again. Am I being old fashioned about this? I just feel that OS is something that you share with someone who is exclusive to you and is very private and very intimate. Was he that swept away by her?

I feel like I'm damned if I stay and damned if I leave. Either way I'll have to deal with the pain. However, I think (and hope) that I've felt the worst of the pain already. It's been 4 months since DDay #1 (with H denying everything) and I am so very tired. I got on Paxil antidepressants which have helped a lot. This is all so new to me and I didn't know what to expect or how to handle it all. I mean, are we supposed to be "educated" in betrayal? I feel so stupid and like I'm such a fool. I mean, how can H just go out there and have an affair and say sorry like he stole a cookie from the cookie jar? I just don't get it. The sad part for me is that I know I will make it, with or without him, however, I feel that H will take a dive emotionally and financially without me. I feel that he loves me in that I represent stability, family life, foundation, etc. but that he fell in love with OW (H said he thinks he was "infatuated" and then when I told him the definition of infatuation he says he doesn't know what it was). H liked the way OW made him feel as a man, emotionally and physically. OW is also of another ethnicity and has an accent and I think my H was intriqued by that. OW cried on H's shoulder about how unhappy she was in her prearranged marriage and that she wanted to leave her H and be with my H.

My H says he was flattered. I'm not a religious person but I can see now why the Bible says that adultery is grounds for divorce, bc it violates the intimacy that only a man and wife can share together and once that is done, how does one get that same level of intimacy back? I just can see how we can get it back so why bother trying to fix something that will never be the same? I am so short sighted that I can't see something that others see. I now understand why it has been said that it would've been better if H just died, at least there'd be closure and the pain would be a one time thing that would subside in time. With this it seems the pain is ongoing and unrelentless.

What's so hard now, besides the OS, is that H confessed to me but still was telling OW that he hadn't "said a word" to me. I know bc I had his cell phone tapped. When I asked him if OW knew I knew he said no and when I asked him to tell her he blew up and said that he already admitted it and I just want more and more. He eventually did tell her (by way of her H) and later he ignorantly tells me that the reason he didn't want to tell OW is bc he "promised her" that he wouldn't tell. WTF!!!!! And what about his promises to me? What do they count for? Everything, and I mean, EVERYTHING H has done or said is bc if not I was leaving. NOTHING has been forthcoming on its own or out of him feeling bad.

I am just so weary and tired of all this and I don't want to waste another ounce of energy on this. Not one more ounce. I feel like time has stood still since DDay and I don't know where the time has gone. A woman can only take so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:02am

Hi,

A month after d-day he left for a week to visit family for holidays. During this time I got a chance to decide whether or not I was going to stay in the M. I thought when he left I would be gone when he got back. I realized I loved him more than I could understand. I decided then I would fight tooth and nail to save our M.

When he came home he had also decided he wanted to work on our M and believed it was worth fighting for. We made love several times. I admit once during the lovemaking I had a visual of him and the OW and I jumped out of the bed. He came after me, I explained and somehow we continued with the lovemaking right then and there. Since then, lovemaking has not been a problem. He is my H and I have a right to enjoy making love to him. Nobody can take that away from me.

I just started a new job, today was my first day. I am also a student and will return from winter break in a couple of weeks. I can't get away. Both of us just took a trip with his Mom but I had to return early for work. During our trip we had a huge fight. We fought about the difference between how he treats me and his Mom. I can clearly see he loves her and treats her with so much respect and kindness. I don't get the attention he gives her. We also fought over my insecurities about possibilities of his continuing communication with OW. He tries to assure me there is no further communication, but I'm not sure. As much as I love him, I don't want to be here if he wants others. He says he doesn't. I'm having trouble believing him. I don't feel special anymore. I feel they are more important. They certainly had his attention away from me. It is hard to stay focused on the present. He says he is here with me. He chose to stay with me because he loves me and he wants to save our M. I keep forgetting I am the one he chose.

I'm hoping work and school will help me to focus on present day and not the past. We will start MC and hopefully that wil help me to see what he is offering in the relationship.

I can't afford to loose anymore weight, my new size 4 is too loose on me right now. I doll myself up for H every chance I get. He is very visual. I've gotten rid of the gray and can dress and feel sexy when I'm away from him. Because the last OW was half my age, I still feel very old with him. When I go other places and men hit on me, I feel it is wasted. It is not them I want to please. My H has never stopped complimenting me. I know he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. I know he loves me. We have always had a great sex life, he says the best sex he's had ever, it is for me too. There was never a break in our sex life. Yet, with my "great looks" and "great sex" I have to offer, and all the love he professes, he still managed to have had several A. So why should I feel secure in this relationship? Men can love you and cheat on you all in the same breathe. They are a completely different animal.

Feeling pretty, having sex, talking about love is all there. I love making love to him and still do because I also think of future other women sharing what we have. I want all I can get while I stil have him. I love him. I love him more than I can control. The fear of losing him haunts me to no end. I will fight, but fear it is a loosing battle. War is war, there are no winners.

I have printed and discussed several of the posts with my H. It is encouraging for both of us to know there is hope for a successful M after A. And we know we just have to make it through the rough days and months ahead.

If things ended and I knew I didn't give my all, I could not forgive myself. So, I am here with my dukes up. I'm hoping MC will provide the reinforcement and stamina I need to get back in the ring and fight. You and others on this site have provided the stool for me to rest when my legs are too weak to stand. Thank you.

It is nice to know you have someone in your corner encouraging you to go on when you've been knocked off your feet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:25am

Hi Sweetie

In one of my previous posts I suggested you get away for a few days. Have you considered that? You see, when I was in the middle of discovery and before confronting him, my thoughts were going in all directions. In the end there were so many things in my head that I couldn't think straight anymore. I went away for four days (didn't tell him why, just said I was visiting my parents and friends in my country of origin. It gave me time to clear my head.

I could gather my thoughts and came to the conclusion that I loved my H to such an extent that I was going to fight. And fight I did. It was to my benefit that I knew why he had strayed. (Long story: I went off sex after giving birth to a stillborn daughter and our subsequent son was at risk because of blood group thing. Son born slightly anaemic and wouldn't sleep through the night until he was three. Drained me and our sex life.) OK, so I said to myself "it's his lack of sex. That's why he's strayed". I absolutely decided that I would be the best wife/lover that he could find. I looked through iVillage SEX sites and learnt a load of new things. I too also lost weight but I've kept it there. I looked pretty good. And I started to seduce my husband. It wasn't easy - God alone knows where I got the strength from to banish thoughts of the OW during our intimacy. But I was adament that I would win. I was best for him and I went straight for it. Sweetie, for me it worked. I fully understand if many women were to say they couldn't do it.

I sort of geared myself up to this by picturing him with another woman (not OW) if we were to split. It killed me. I wanted that. He's my H. Mind you, through all of those months I knew he loved me. He told me so.

Your H also loves you. Try, try with all the strengh you can muster to be your old self.
I know it's a superwoman task but if you really want to make this M work, isn't it worth trying?

You see, these OW, are always in a good mood, always doll themselves up, never moan but listen to WS moans. Be the girl he married. Make it worthwhile for him to fight for the M.

I truly believe that it is the women who are the stronger sex and we are capable of fighting tougher on the emotional level.

I wish you, from the bottom of my heart, the strength to do something like this. It worked for me.

How about you printed out some of these posts. There are so many in which the BS says that she/he needs to talk. Sometimes after years. Even if you do talk because of .. well, whatever, he doesn't need to feel that you are getting at him or doubting him. You need to tie off all the lose ends.

In the end, you will know what to do. But if the worst comes to the worst, wouldn't it be better to have known that you couldn't have tried more?

HUGS
Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 1:24am

Hannah,

I've read quite a few post on this site and you offer such sound advice. Thank you. This is a great place to look for understanding and encouragement.

I've confronted H with my concerns and he was able to answer all. He says he can have a monogomous relationship with me. We had at one point. DH says I want a quick fix and this will take some time. H explained he's been in my shoes in prior relationships (news to me) and knows it's not going to be easy. H fears I have already made up my mind for failure and it is discouraging. It is when I throw in the towel, give up that he is moved to communicate. He wants to try and "fix our broken relationship" but doesn't know if it can be repaired because I am so doubtful. He does want to try. So do I. Every time I just give up, don't care if he's going to get angry and speak my mind, he opens up. Amazing.

I haven't completely given up. Just tired of hoping, fighting, investigating, crying, not sleeping, etc. D-day was 2 mos ago. I'm drained. I don't want to dwell on the past, it confronts me. Every phone call, every women of a certain ethnicity. "Triggers" come out of nowhere. I just think it would be easier to give in than to fight for the M. But the M is worth the fight.

Blindfully we both agree to try MC. I don't know if either of us have much hope, but we are going to try. We both seem to love each other still. I know I really want to continue with the M. I want it to work, to fix it. We once were happy together for a while. I hope, like many on this site, our M will be stronger in the long run. If not, I'm prepared to deal with being alone. So, I have nothing to loose. I think that is the best attitude I can muster for now.

I'm afraid to hope, because I'm afraid to fail. It's catch 22. Without hope, I'm destined to fail. What a mess. I sure hope we find a great MC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 12:20am


Thank you, thank you so much for sharing. Every time I hear of success it encourages me to hope.

I know I'm destroying our relationship because I am so discouraged about the future. We have talked and he wonders if I will be able to get past things. Although he also feels my fears should not be discussed...that we don't need to talk about what happened. That's where we disagree. I need to know why things got started so we can make changes to keep things from developing again.

He has agreed to counseling and we both feel that is the only way our M has a chance of surviving.

For me, I have to know he believes he doesn't have to be involved with OW. Is he a habitual cheater? I expressed this to him and he feels he can go without, even during travels. As long as I have hope the M can be healed. He says if he feels like he's fighting a loosing battle, then he doesn't want to continue to fight for the M. You are right, I am the biggest barrier to our moving forward. Recognizing this, I have to change my thoughts. It ain't easy, but I guess that's where MC comes in. I can't get there soon enough. I am too impatient. I just want us to resemble the loving couple we once were.

Yes, I've suffered physically. I sleep very little and have lost a full dress size. I am fighting to be positive. I feel as the though the bottom has dropped out and I've lost my footing. Unstable in many ways. I've been destroyed. However, I know I can be tough at times and sooner or later this gene will kick in. I just hope I have enough will left to fight. I am so tired.

Thanks for your concern. I'm seeking MC/IC this week. I know it will help. Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 8:40am

This sounds familiar to me bc I did the same thing. If things don't feel right, they aren't.

After Dday #1 H promised to drop all contact and work on the M. Its what he said he wanted and I wanted it too. But he didn't act like he wanted that. Sure, he was sweet at times and said what I wanted to hear, but he kept his phone on him all the time (even in bed!) and would avoid serious questioning during our MC. THings were not right, but I had never been through this before and I didn't know what to expect. Dday #2 happened less than 2 weeks later and I was crushed all over again, only more so bc I extended the little amount of trust I had left and he burned me.

How long do you wait? How much effort do you make? Well, those are all very personal decisions. I can tell you I waited 2 months for H to be confused until I couldn't stand it anymore. I lost myself in those two months and I swear I will never let myself down again. But during that time I grew inside and became stronger. If my H didn't want the M, then there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise. I really thought he wanted me to end it bc he was too scared to make the final cut. So after 2 months of waiting, I gave up and was throwing in the towel when H made a complete turn around. Did it take him 2 months to decide? Did my leaving him get his mind back? I'm not sure and I don't think I will ever know. I can only tell you I was ready to live a life w/o him as my partner and that was a huge step for me.

Hugs, this is really tough. There's no time limit, but be true to yourself and what you need. You are the only person who can control your life - not him.

hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 3:12am

Hi

My apologies for being mute but weekends are not a good time for me to be on this board.
My H knows I visit but is not keen on it because he thinks it depresses me and starts off triggers. I am in no mind to explain to him because this is my space. I was helped and now I will try.

Stilllovehim: I don't think it's a good frame of mind for you to be comparing your situation and especially how other WS seem to be reacting, to your own H. Characters are different, how they react to a certain situation, etc.

I can only repeat here: your own imagination is the biggest evil. If you have any thoughts, questions, feelings, convey these to your H. Please don't get on the "assumption rollercoater". Unless you ask the questions, you will never know if your assumptions are/were correct or not.

My H still had her three (!) nos in his phone address book a year after. And it bugged me and I didn't say anything for ages. But ...... something would trigger and I'd remember that and then I'd get in a really sh"?*y mood and become aggresive towards him. He was, understably, completely perplexed. We'd then stop talking. It was during one of these periods that I told him what was bothering me. He took out his phone and deleted the lot in front of me. We then had a laugh because I confessed that he couldn't have used the numbers anyway because I had changed them months previously. However, if I had done this earlier he would have probably hit the roof with the bu**!hit "my privacy" etc. etc.
Excuse me, he brought the OW into MY privacy, so for a while his own privacy was, in my opinion, invalid.

You see, stilllovehim, I had to take it slowly. It took me eighteen months to let out every doubt that was still inside of me. But ... that's my H. Very proud, perfect to the extent that it's difficult for him to admit mistakes.

Now you might be saying "her H did it, my won't, it hurts me that others do what my H, doesn't. But it took me, I repeat, 18 long months. And there are still two questions I will, one day, ask but the time is not yet ripe. And it's not a big problem. We are not only functioning we are in a loving, wonderful relationship again. But, if I had found out one more thing, however, small, I would have left him .... and he knows it. This fact will be valid until I die. NOTHING MORE.

What about you turn the tables. Ask him how he would feel if he were in your situation.

For me, stilllovehim, it's important that you get some help, perhaps from your doctor.
Perhaps a little medication to stop these doomsday thoughts and give you same space to think a little bit more clearly.

Please keep posting. Look after yourself. Are you eating and sleeping normally?

Hugs
Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:15am

In reading other posts I see how other H are opening up their lives more than my H. I'm not sure he has truly let go. It hurts me. He still has OW addresses in his computer and his phone never leaves his side. It is either turned off or on vibrate.

He is more loving to me. Tells me where he is going and spends more time at home. We have been spending more time together. However, I asked him to consider MC, send e-mails to all OW who contact him, with a cc to me, that he wants to rebuild our M and inform them there will be no further contact. He has not responded to my request. I checked his computer and he has erased history. He still has OW in his address book. I should have requested he delete them as well.

It does not appear my DH is ready for me, inspite of his small steps toward healing. Maybe you are right, he is responding to my evident doubt and ultimate failure of our M. Or maybe he just moves at a different pace than other H.

I hate the confrontation but I know I have to be firm in seeing he responds positively to my requests. I'm more afraid he doesn't want to completely let go of the OW. He is under an extreme amount of pressure in his work, the biggest project he's ever had. I'm trying to make allowances for his work, but he is not giving me enough for me to move forward.

I'm trying to be patient with him due to his work, but I need more from him. I know our M can't be cured over night, but I need to see more action on his part. I can't ignore his avoidance of my requests. It's only been a week, but I expect him to start showing some sacrifices on his behalf. I know, I have to make demands. I think I'd rather just wait to see if he will move on his own. In my mind it would be more genuine. If he doesn't make a move then I know he doesn't want to rebuild and our M is over.

Why should I force him to deliver? Either he will or he won't. In the meantime I wait in agony w/o hope. I focus on my life outside the M, like work and school.

I still love him but feel he doesn't love me enough. I'm trying not to sink further down in depression like after D-day. I can't help feeling like I'm still playing the role of the fool. I must be. I wish he would do more to prove he wants our M.

Sorry for rambling, but I think this post was just me facing the hard facts. I am so jealous of the other wives whose DH are making more of an effort than my DH. I hope they survive. I just hope I'm not too impatient.

Thanks for the ear.

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