What about me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
What about me?
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 10:22pm

In July my world was destroyed by my husband. Everything I knew, understood and felt was changed, actually crushed into a state of nothing. He gave what I thought was our most private and intimate "thing" to someone else.

The up and down rollercoaster is more tiring and trying than ever imaginable. When someone who say "Oh so and so cheated on me," it was always "I'm sorry". Not any more, I unfortunately understand and wish that upon no one.

Anyway, ever since I found out, and made it through the first month, a part of me and I am just really seeing this in myself wants to know if I am still desirable by someone else. Could someone want me, other than my husband? How will he like it when guys are oogling over me? It seems so cruel, but self satisfying. Like, "Look dear, you could lose me. Some one could take me away if you are not careful."

Is this because I don't trust him? What am I trying to prove? Am I setting myself up for disaster on purpose? HELP

I love my husband, and I can not image in growing old without him. But a part of me so wants so other guy to try and sweep me away. What is wrong with me?

A movie I watched had a line in it, "People who are in love and hurt each other stay together because they forgive not forget."

Maybe I'm not ready to forgive.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
In reply to: broken98
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 1:25pm

"People who are in love and hurt each other stay together because they forgive not forget." That's a great line, and I think very true.

broken, I think sometimes we put way to much stock in being validated by other people. This becomes especially important when our self-esteem is in the toilet. Have you been to therapy for yourself? Part of this whole rebuilding process includes rebuilding yourself. When you can look in the mirror and know that you are desirable, smart, and strong, you won't need that validation from any one else.

Put your energy into rebuilding...you and your marriage. Teasing yourself and your husband with these questions are not productive.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
In reply to: broken98
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 2:34pm

Broken - I'm not much of a help bc I'm in the same boat as you. I understand your feelings. I think they're the result of a damaged ego. We're not the same people anymore and what we once thought was rock-solid can fall apart at any moment.

Of course you don't trust him, at least not to the extent you did pre A. Thats inevitable, but its not a bad thing. You're more in tune to reality now. If the statistic is right that 70% of married men cheat and you experienced it yourself, it doesn't get any more real than that.

I used to be the one talking about when we grow old together and all those "can you imagine us in X years..." discussions. I don't think that way anymore. I know too much about human nature. I'll never forget how selfish and superficial my H was, even if he's different now. We'll strive for it, but I make no promises. He does. He says this whole experience changed him forever, well it did that to me too but in the opposite direction.

I like being friendly to the opposite sex. I wasn't that way before. This change in me makes me feel good, like the other changes I made in my life like eating better and exercising. Its all part of my transformation to make sure I'm in control of my life as much as I can be. I don't think this is harmful to our M. I'm just not as naive as I was before and know how to take care of myself better now.