What a mess! (very long post)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
What a mess! (very long post)
7
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 3:48pm

Hi ladies,

I have to admit, I am devastated to be joining your ranks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 12:23am
Podw- welcome to you and yes so sorry it is under these circumstances. who would of thought in a million years any of us wold find a place call I allege and pour our guts out to strangers? I would of told people they were crazy and that MY husband wold NEVER do such a thing. Ha, a fool? Yeah I was a fool. A foolish fool.

I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for my boys who believe their dad is a hero, I would of kicked him out with one toilet cleaning toothbrush and a pair of underwear packed neatly in a brown paper sack. I would of said "bye bye." but because the fool,still loves the fool and because I want the boys brought up In a nuclear family and because he has done everything I asked I'm not going anywhere. I have given him a year. One year. I want to see what he does , how he acts. Because his words are like a bubble , they pop as soon as he opens his mouth.

We are a few days shy of 6 months. I do not trust him, nor will I ever to the degree I did before. our old marriage is dead, we are trying to rebuild a new one. Our foundation was made of sand and it blew away with all the lies and deception that went with it. Now that I know what he is capable of how can I trust him the way I did before? I can't. And maybe if I can, it will take years.

How many times have you said to yourself, WTF? This isn't real, this nightmare I am in can't be my life. Pinch pinch, oh yeah, it is. I still have a very hard time believing it was all real. I can't believe what he risked. That he risked two innocent little lives. That is what made me the most angry. An affair is a selfish, destructive, ugly secret.

It took my husband 3 months to divulge. Some things were outside of the affair. Do I know all? Probably not. I find it funny how daring it is tomengage in the riskiness ofman affair, yet when it comes to confessing to their spouse they become a coward?

We all know that the greatest flaws lie with the cheater. We also know that we BS aren't entirely blameless. However, we were both in the same marriage. And while one of us decided to make the best of it the other found a way to eat cake. While one of us is thinking family, commitment and responsibility the other is thinking about me and me and me.

I am not over this deception, but my wounds aren't so acute as they were. I allowed myself to become secondary to my husband. What? How could I let that happen? But I did. I told my husband that it is good that he has come to,his senses but I too have come to mine. And in order for me to stay married to him, a lot has to change. Because I no longer fear the worst. I don't want it, but I no longer fear it. What I did was turn the focus on what I could do and what I cold change and that was me. I realize that we Ned to work together in the marriage, I understand that. But when it comes to my character and how I live my life I am ok with how I am. What I am telling you is this: you are lovable, beautiful, and so much stronger than you realize. draw into yourself when you need to to preserve you. You already are an honest, loyal and trustworthy person. Your husband on the other hand is not and the real work has to be put in by him. Cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell. Face it all head on and it will fade, but it's not going away.

You nor I knows at this moment what our future entails and what the end of our story will be. But I'll be damned if I am going to go down in flames for something I had no part of and no choice in. Somehow and someway I have to turn this into a positive for me. What has happened damn near destroyed me, but I got back up and I'll keep moving forward. Because that's really the only way to win from this isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 1:00am
The best ways to heal are time and counseling. It will take A LOT of time to get over this, and some people never do. Be aware that it takes most people 2 years or more to get over something as devastating a betrayal as an affair and without marriage counseling it's even harder. He must also be an open book to you now, meaning giving you total access to his phone, computer, any and all e mail accounts etc. He needs to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust. This could mean on your part insisting on marriage counseling, no pass codes on phone or computers, accounting for his time when he's not at work, basically whatever YOU need to feel secure that he's now being honest with you. The big thing though is to figure out why (not that there is ever an excuse) he had the affair in the first place. What was he getting from the affair that he wasn't getting from the marriage, because IF you don't figure this out he will be vulnerable to having future affairs. GOOD LUCK.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 6:49pm

Hi

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 12:35am
You cope with it one day at a time. Your story is so familiar to so many here, stories they make up, endless lies and betrayals. If he told you he was in love with her, I wouldn't trust that it's truly over. I'm not trying to be negative, just playing devil's advocate. They were clever enough to carry on an affair, they're also clever enough to keep covering it up NOW and keep it under the radar with pretend e-mails, as well. You aren't going to know for awhile now if it's really over or not, not unless one of them keels over from a heart attack - then you'll be sure. My point is he lied. As a result, anything he says now is suspect, anything. He doesn't understand that, but here we do. My DH likely didn't get physical with his EA partners, but with the second I will continue to think he had strong feelings for her, all those e-mails and him finding the need to hide things from me spoke volumes, plus like yours, he had plenty of trouble walking away, too. It's all the little things you find out that help you to put the whole picture together, and that voice in your head that gets very, very busy during this crap just jabbers away like mad - do not ignore it, because it's zeroing in on things right and left, things you still do not know. Been there, we all have. Whatever you do, do NOT start beating up on yourself or doubting what you believe, because you're getting what we call "trickle truth" right now, bits and pieces of what happened that trickle in in frustrating tidbits, rather than them just coming clean in one fell swoop. It tends to go on for a long time once it starts and many of us are never sure we've heard it all after years looking back. What concerns me in your post is him saying he was in love with her - to me THAT is what I would be obsessing over - if that statement was true, if he truly fell in love, I'm sorry but that does not end with the snap of the fingers. But the first thing he HAS to do - there is no choice, no exception - he has to break off contact with her for good, otherwise you have nothing at all to work with in your counseling, nothing. You can't work on your marriage if there's anything still going on, a therapist will figure out if he's still got her under his skin. It's his job to restore trust, your job is to let him try, if you are so inclined. You are in the driver's seat, he's in the trunk right now, so you drive that car, it'd be pretty dangerous to let him try. I come back here at times and some posts make me angry, yours did. People are supposed to stop dating and hooking up the day they propose, why are some people such idiots? I can give you the name of a good hitman, if you're interested - I joke there but I've had my moments where it felt like a very good idea the past 4 years trying to continue living with my own DH. Your guy doesn't get to refuse anything you expect, I wish you luck convincing him of that, just hang tough.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 11:44am

I have not been here for quite some time now.

Its all about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 7:09am

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 2:23am

Thanks for replying.

Its all about him.