what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
what now?
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:21pm

I've been lurking for about a week now and I have had a lot of ups and downs.
As you can tell by my screen name I naively thought my paradise was unshakeable.
Anyway I came back from a weekend out of town (with my family) to find out that SO had "made out" with another woman in her car (an ex-flame) in a park near our house.
I found out because she emailed him about how "passionate" it was. And I, knowing something was up when I came home, checked his email. We have always had a very open relationship and before I got my own cell phone, he would even let me use his cell when I needed it.
So he wasn't angry that I found out, and didn't tell me that I shouldn't have been snooping, or anything of the sort.
He's been pretty upfront about everything since then and has allowed me access to anything I ask for (granted its only been just over a week).
If he hadn't been this forthcoming I likely would have kicked him out. He swears it was a one-time slip, something that happened because of comfort and sympathy for this woman's dying sister.
Apparently, both of them kept their clothes on, and there was no "sex". He says he feels sick about it, felt sick about when he left her car. I still feel horribly betrayed.
I am still reserving my decision on whether or not to forgive him, and whether or not to reconcile (I believe there is a distinction-- forgiveness is something I will do for myself.)
My question is, what is the next step.
We've been having open dialogue, and I really do feel like I'm on a roller coaster somedays.
He has agreed to no contact.
I don't know if reconciliation can happen. Right now I can't kiss him. I'm able to sit on the couch with him, and sleep beside him, but that's all. Sometimes I let him hug me.
I have good days and bad. Today was a bad day. I hacked into his cell phone records on-line, to make sure he hasn't called her again. I even deleted her name from his contact book in his email. (he knows I have access to this).
Do you find that checking up on your SOs fuels your insecurities, or does it make you feel better?
What first steps did you take to go ahead with reconciliation. I'm pondering counselling.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: paradisefound
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:31pm

I'd continue to check up, the fact that he isn't up to anything will probably calm you down in a few weeks.

Yes, marriage counseling is a good idea. It's never a nonchalent one-time-thing. Something triggered him to cheat so you need to get to the bottom of the issue or it won't go away. Otherwise, you will never be able to trust him.