What to say when meeting the OW/OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
What to say when meeting the OW/OM
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 2:41pm

I'm in a little bit of a slump this afternoon and am looking for some humorous/bitchy/snarky kind of comeback if and when I ever meet the OW.

I went to lunch and saw a woman who looked kind of like the OW, and of course my mind wandered a little into the negativity patch! I never ever wanted to meet this person, but I stumbled upon her picture and now I know what she looks like. I didn't want that image in my head, but what's done is done and now I know.

Here's the story in a nutshell: H & OW work in the same dept., although they don't always work together on any given day. It's not up to them when they have to work on a project together. Immediately after the A, they both knew they made a mistake. OW even told my H that she wasn't interested in him sexually (ouch!) and had made a serious mistake. They are friends in so much as they have to work together occasionally. All this is water under the bridge for me. I don't like that he sees her at work, but there's no other options around the situation. She might be transferring out soon, so fingers are crossed for that. H is hoping for that too.

The thing is, if some day down the road we attend a company function and I end up meeting her, I just want some really sassy pearls of wisdom I can use to subtly let her know that I know, but not come across as a bitch. OW didn't tell her H about the A because of fear of violence. My H didn't tell the OW that he told me. He dealt with all our problems at home with me, in private. It really served no purpose in telling her. What was done was done and they both needed to refrain from discussing the situation at work.

If anybody thinks I need to be more mature and just suck it up if I meet her, then please tell me. I don't want revenge, I'd just kind of like her to know that I'm in on the secret. I'm not afraid of her, I just have no desire to meet her, but it will probably happen eventually at one of the company functions.

Thanks for letting me vent! Our rebuilding is going pretty good, but I just had this little trigger at lunch and thought I'd let off some emotions here. Thanks for the advice everybody.

Edited 1/12/2006 2:44 pm ET by hodgepodge40
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 3:18pm

I can't think of any words to say. However, I am sure she will figure it out just by the look in your eyes! Women have that 6th sense. She will know, you know, just by the way you say her name or shake her hand or not shake her hand.. She may not be able to prove it she may not say it but her gut will be telling her something just is not right!! However if I were alone with her in say the ladies room I would check the stolls first then tell her point blank that you know. It would be funny to me to watch the color drain from her face as you confirm the fear she had in her gut from your meeting before out there in the public...

Yahoo! Avatars

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 3:47pm

I've already thought about not shaking her hand and possibly grabbing my husband's hand instead! I know it's kind of silly of me to dwell on whether I meet her or not, it's just one of those things that stays on my mind and it kind of makes me feel better preparing for it if that day ever arrives (kind of like thinking of ways to get revenge on your spouse but you probably won't do it. It's just nice to think about it sometimes). On one hand I'd like her to know the damage she's done, but on the other hand, my H said that she was very remorseful on my behalf because she knew what the A would do to me since she's a BS. I told my H that her sympathy means nothing to me. They both knew what they were doing and it shouldn't have happened. Anyway, I digress!!

The OW leaned on my H for emotional support and sympathy with her problems. She told him things that were way too personal. If I had the chance, here's how I picture the conversation going: OW - "You're H is my best friend (she has said this to him) at work; Me - "Yes, I've heard a lot about you. Seems like you've told my H a lot of personal things that you usually don't tell a person unless you're intimate with them." Then I'd leave it at that and see how she responds. I'd like to see her break into a sweat, at the very least. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 6:56pm

My favorite response dreamed up in late night chats online with another BS was how great it would be to get together and show up at OW's church where we could stare at her pointedly while we whispered and laughed at her.

Hugs, Jade 

Growth is an erratic forward movement:  two steps forward, one step back.  Remember

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 8:15pm

What I would say to the Other Woman -- "Take my husband, PLEASE!!!"

No seriously, after all this time I'd say she can have him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:27pm

I've been exactly where you are and wondering what I would say if I ever ran into the OW again. I've ran that scenario over several times in my head. I agree with Jade -- don't really say anything. By doing so, you're giving the power to the OW and letting her know she had a major effect on you and your M.

Instead, I've decided if I ever see her again, I will be sickenly (sp?) sweet to her. That in itself shows her that she has no power over me and that I'm happy now. The last thing I want is for her to think she is still affecting me or my M to this day. Not only that, it will show her that I WILL NOT stoop to her level. I have too much self-respect, class and character for that. By being nice, I'm taking the high road, and I have the feeling it will make her feel worse than if I said something nasty to her (which is probably what she would be expecting and hoping for -- because it would show her that I'm no better than her when in fact I am). I think being nice to her will get my point across louder than if I went the other way. Then I just turn, walk away and never give her another thought or glance. I think that would get at the OW more than anything I could say.

Besides, as the old saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:59am

You are never forced to shake anyone's hand as long as it is not extended to you.

Therefore, you can go to a company function and sit across the room from this lady being your usual wonderful self and not have to worry about being introduced.

If you find yourself being introduced for some reason, you smile and say, "I'm so glad to meet you, I've heard so many wonderful things about you."

Let her draw her own conclusions, she can spend the next few days wondering what kind of "wonderful things" your husband has shared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 5:21pm
You know -- maybe just telling her that you hope her life gets better -- really, it sounds like she's in a miserable situation. Maybe even offer to help her find a shelter if she ever decides to leave her abusive husband. She would know then that you know a LOT about her life - probably much more than she'd want you to know - but that you aren't wishing her any worse of a life than she already has. You could just say, "I know you've had a tough time of it, and I really don't wish bad things for you. If you ever need help in dealing with your husband, I can help you find a shelter."
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 11:52am

Yes, it would be really nice of me to try to help her, but my H did enough counseling and rescuing during their EA and subsequent PA that I don't really feel too inclined to step in and offer my 2 cents. The OW isn't physically abused. Her H is bi-polar and she's afraid of his reaction towards my H & her if he knew of the A. He's never abused her though. He also had an affair years ago so the OW knows what it's like to be a BS too. The OW says that her marriage is actually making improvements since the A and that she loves her H.

I don't wish any pain or harm on her. I'd just like to subtly let her know that she can't go around spilling out all the details of her life to a married man (I'm talking about extremely personal details) and not expect some bonding to occur. It's not healthy for her M or the person's M she's leaning on. She's a self-admitted flirt, and I just want her to know that it's a dangerous game she's playing with other peoples' lives. My H has seen her flirt with other men whom she's not even interested in, she just likes the attention. I just don't have any respect for a woman who acts this way. I know I'll be the better person and will act with dignity if I meet her. I'll grit my teeth doing it, but I definitely won't show weakness. Thanks for all the input! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 3:37pm
My H and OW were also coworkers. I always had a fantasy (never to come true since he has retired and we have moved) that I would be at a function which OW was also attending. Someone would unknowingly introduce us--I would look over at her, hold her glance for a few seconds and turn back to continue the conversation with the person who introduced us, never saying a word or even acknowledging the OW was standing there. Lily