What should I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
What should I do???
9
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 11:11am

My d-day was August 2008. H had been skulking around the internet for nearly a decade. Everytime I said I saw him chatting, he would deny it. I saw him!!!


One night he was so drunk, he didn't close his chat with the OW. I found it in the morning. When I confronted him. He just got angry.


We decided to try and make our marriage work. I have been monitoring his computer use since d-day and he still talks to her among other things. A few times I caught him redhanded and he blamed her. I can prove that he initiated the contact. He swears he never talks to her. Since I can prove otherwise, what should I do? Is it time to tip my hand?


I don't know if I am strong enough to survive the storm that would come next.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 2:12pm
You need to tell him to write the OW a NC email and tell her that their "secret" "friendship" is a threat to his M. You also need to witness him sending it to her. Don't let him get away with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 2:52pm

mermaid,


First off, I'm sorry, that sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 9:44pm

dear mermaid:

you are going to have to decide on what you can live with. being married to, living with, being intimate with a cheater or drawing a line in the sand, deciding you deserve better and more, laying it out there it is our marriage, a faithful marriage or it is the highway!!!!

living with a man who does these things is not living, you are simply existing. somewhere along the way you decided that he was more important than you. that what you wanted and needed was not valuable. why??????

i do not mean to hurt your feelings here, but, you have given away all of your power to him. the things you read, you should be copying them (make 5 copies). then when he starts giving you the "you are crazy" line you can pull one set of the copies out and tell him straight up "yes, i am crazy for still being here".

men like your husband will not stop on their own. as long as he can keep doing what he is doing, and believes he is in control of you by telling you he is doing nothing wrong, well, he is going to keep doing it pure and simple.

i would install a key logger on his computer, then, when i get as much info as i want or need i would sit down and have a conversation with him. a real come to Jesus kind of talk. tell him look, i have taken my life back, you can choose to stay and do the following:

counseling
zero contact with the other woman/women
total honesty

or you can get your crap and get the hell out.

wondering why i have such a fierceness about me? well, you see, i was like you many years ago - i stayed and am now wondering "why"? my husband started meeting up with those women, had a daughter by one of them, began ignoring even our children over his women. no way to live, that is all i can say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 8:02am

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.


I already have had the keylogger for a year now, because I found him making plans to meet OW. (I have reason to believe they met once

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 11:01am

Good for you.


You will look back and NOT regret standing up for yourself and what is acceptable to you.


Him not taking any responsibility IMO- says he is not going to stop. He might let things settle down but he is not ready to stop.


So think about what is good for you. What you deserve, what you want.


Be headstrong in the storm. Because you are either going to get out of the storm or you will just keep weathering them. No one deserves to be lied to and manipulated like that.


You are better, so much better than what he is wanting you to accept.


*I am going to go alittle further with my own comment here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 1:04pm

Sandy, I have to say that your last comment really struck me because of its power and truth.

My H and I continue to rebuild. Like they say in 12 step groups, no one is ever "cured," but simply "recovering."

If I felt like I had to check up on my H at this point, I would ask myself why I was in such a R. The past is over and done, and he knows how much his actions hurt me. If he did it again, we wouldn't be together.

Those first months of rebuilding were hell, but as I wrote this I realized that the 2 year anniversary of DDay was last month, and it came and went without my noticing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 2:36pm

I am happy that you have been able to do that.


You wrote the "anniversary of dday"- when I read that it is like I am hearing a celebration of some sorts even thought that is not how it is intended I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 7:06pm

Sandy

No, not a celebration. Just a remembrance of what happened in the past. Like with Pearl Harbor Day, or 9/11. I'm not equating my situation to what happened to an entire nation, but it certainly devastated me.

Not a happy time, but like the adage: those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

I also told my H to go if he thought being with her would make him happy. He chose to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 10:10am

I think things will work out for you if you can get past the betrayal. If he wanted to go- he would- and there would be nothing on the earth that could make him stay. And that is the truth.


I know it is