What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
What would you do?
7
Sat, 11-05-2011 - 6:43pm

Sorry, had to take out my post, but didn't know how to remove the whole thing. Anyone know how to do that?

I let it slip to my H that I have been posting here and in the past he's read my posts, so needed to get rid of this one, at least until I talk to him about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 8:08am

Hi redballoons,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 2:09pm

Red

you have to make the rules and be the enforcer you can't leave things up to him any more

if he wants it his way he can go find someone else

it is what it is and you didn't create the situation - he did

he keeps pushing you have to draw the line or it will Never end

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 4:46pm
Red, why not come up with another iV name? You'd need another e-mail address to do it, but that's easy. Pick a name that's just letters and numbers, it would at least make it harder for him to locate your posts. You clearly need all the help you can get, and I can suggest also using the PSFC board, good host there with solid feedback. I've dreaded my DH locating my posts here, too, but I don't think he's even interested in trying to. If he was, I'd be upset by it, too. It's NOT the same thing when we feel we're forced to snoop to get the info we need, I have NO problem with us snooping whatsoever. But him coming here I see as just one more betrayal. But try some other boards, at the very least it would make his "job" a lot harder, there are a lot of boards, many with good info.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 3:42pm

I finally had the chance to "talk" to my H last night. He is out of town, but I couldn't wait, so we actually IM'd. I think it was better for me anyway, because I could put more thought into what I was saying, and I could refer back to what he had said (typed). And, WOW!, it was textbook evasion. If it wasn't so frustrating, it would be admirable. He used everything. First it was "I don't know what you're talking about" and "I don't remember." When I kept pressing he tried "answering" questions with other questions. He tried to get me to give him the information before he answered my questions (I almost fell for that until I realized he would just repeat what I knew). At one point he said, "It went too far" and when I said "What do you mean?" he said "The flirting went too far." Duh, obviously I meant what does "too far" mean. Anyway, there was more of that, restated the same vague terms over and over, and then finally the self-recrimination. Now I know he really does feel terrible and hates himself for doing this, but I've been through this enough to know not to get side-tracked by it.

I finally said, "Let's make this about me. Why don't you tell me the truth out of respect for me." And, that actually worked!

So there was the sexual inuendo/flirting, but as I had feared, there was some groping on the ride home. I had suspected that since it was night time (dark), not crowded, and they had been building up to it all weekend.

The thought of him groping another woman and allowing her to do the same on his way home to me makes me sick to my stomache. It's amazing that he can supposedly "speak the world of me" to her and then feel her up. I really, really, really don't understand.

More later...he just texted me back, and it's time for the ultimatum.

Wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 4:05pm

My H is on his way home, and I had been trying to reach him. He finally got back to me. First of all I asked him about one more thing that I had discovered he had lied about regarding this whole situation. I thought maybe one last chance to be honest, you know. Of course, he lied about that too. Little white lie, added to the big lies, and the omissions. It's just too much.

Anyway, I told him he's already packed, so not to come home until he's willing to offer a sincere and meaningful apology and until he's willing to somehow give me assurances about his boundaries (which he's laid out clearly, yet choose to ignore that weekend) and honesty.

I guess we'll see what he decides.

Sorry to be so soap-operaish about all this, but it is so helpful to put this down and clear it out of my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 4:36pm

It's not soap opera at all, it's real life going on.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 7:36pm

Yeah the lying definitely makes it harder. I keep asking him if there's anything else that's happened since d-day. He keeps saying "no", but he wasn't forthcoming with this woman the 1st FOUR times I brought it up, so who knows? Also, I do wonder if it went further. I know he tends to lie with an element of truth involved - makes it more believable. So he could very well tell me about the groping, but just leave out the part where it went further. Who knows?

My H actually has very specific boundaries, and as far as I know, has been good at keeping them until now. One of his boundaries is that he never sits with a woman on one of these rides home from a work event (that was a problem in the past). He often tells me that he's sitting alone, or was sitting alone. What was different this time? He says she was overtly forward, and he feels he's not strong enough to resist.

I'll tell you what, if we're together after this, I'm going to tell him to grow a pair and tell the next woman that's so overt, that a few hours of hanky panky is not worth throwing away your marriage over. Unfortunately he's never turned down a woman who has come onto him, which is why he keeps his boundaries so diligently, so they get the message before it's too late for him.

Right now he's trying to decide what to do.And honestly I don't know what I'm hoping for. This is *so* not where I want to be right now!

Thank you so much for your reply and your support!