What's better about your M after the A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
What's better about your M after the A
24
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 1:02pm

I'd like to start a discussion about something positive that has happened to you and your sweetie after the pain and anguish of their A.


For us, we have become members of a really unique and outstanding church; we pray together every night and we constantly talk about our M.


Your turn.

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Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 4:28pm

Woof!

My nerves grate every time I see that book, "My husbands affair was the best thing that every happened to me" Or something like that.

My wounds are still a little fresh. But we are talking a lot better. My spouse says I study her better and she finds that really flattering.

Since you brought up faith. I became agnostic many years before the A. (one of the many things she blamed the affair on.) But we began having nighttime couples prayer together and this was amazingly healing. Especially when we began praying for the families of the other men.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 4:36pm

We are definitely more in tune with one another since the affair....I mean REALLY pay attention to each other. It can be ridiculous in fact..."Are you okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 4:57pm

We had a pretty good thing going to begin with if you don't count two years of growing arrogance,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 5:44pm

We aren't really past it all, but the biggest change has been my DH's behavior.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 5:49pm
Oh boy, did you ever ring a bell with me!!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 7:52am

We also attend church regularly now. We did go before but not as often.


My husband has changed completely and that is what has changed so much for the

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 12:52pm
This thread gives me hope and that is something I could use a heap of right now. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 8:09pm

Well, where to begin...just about everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 3:13pm

Hi Pater,


I bought that book and started to read it!

T.J.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:57pm

"It made me so mad I threw it against the wall."

When I thought my spouse was having an "emotional affair," I had amazon fedex some four books to me. I tossed the first two in the trash before I got very far into them. (I'm curious what I would think of them now.) The next one was my life vest for the next six months. One I read on forgiveness had a really great parable in the front about affairs but the rest of it did nothing for me. My spouse read that one and it was an earth shaker for her. Sooo, I guess it's hard to tell what book will do it for whom?

I wouldn't say that my spouses affair was the best thing that ever happened to us. But, I will say that we are treating each other better than we ever did before the A. I told her again this week that I think it sucks that she went and had an affair and as a reward, her husband prostrated himself in front of her, totally changed his behavior to keep her. She said that I might look at the affair that way but she looks at the affair as the worst thing she's ever done, that the emotional toll she placed on others is more than she was prepared to deal with and she hurt someone very badly that she didn't know would do anything for her. She wishes she "could take it all back." And she's repeated that statement over and over since almost the first week after D Day.

I didn't hear any pleasure or smugness in her response. I don't think she views anything that has happened since D Day as a reward. More as an ugly eye opener. I try and push my thoughts to the fact that we are doing well right now and not to what got us here. If I do, I'll eventually do something stupid.

"there is power in prayer" Yes, but I think the real power is in the intent of prayer giver. Even if Prayer is just "wishes," to hear my spouse say out loud her genuine wishes for us or for the people she hurt, there is power in that. A prayer is just a vehicle we are familiar with. If there happens to be a divine influence listening on the other end. Bonus.

I would hate to think of what God was doing when dudes were whispering things in my spouses ear or when my spouse was crying on the phone with the OM telling him that going to the hotel was a bad idea. How was God looking out for anyone when one of those two dunderheads did or said something that eventually change her mind into actually going (we have five kids, the logistics of making that hotel event happen involved a lot of babysitters, it wasn't a small thing). Where was the divine then? And why didn't he give anyone who could help stop her an honest heads up? Heck, where were her friends and family members who knew about the affair that first week. Why the heck didn't any of them say Boo to me about what was going on. No divine or otherwise had the courtesy to give Thomas a heads up that his emotional well being was about to go permanently into the crapper. Me and the kids didn't deserve this. If God had any role to play in any of this, then Gods a jerk. (middle finger extended toward ceiling)

Sorry about all that, My best to you and yours.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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