What's good for the WS to read during rebuilding

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
What's good for the WS to read during rebuilding
7
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 11:38pm

I know Not Just Friends is a great book for the BS, but what about something that my H can read to better understand what I am going through? I really do think he wants to help me heal, but he is afraid to even discuss certain things with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Elmosmom99..
I agree with you and would love some advice. I am not even sure my husband would read an entire book though. I am reading Not Just Friends and it has helped me some. I was thinking about asking him to read the chapter "Healing Together". He still thinks if we act like everything is ok then it will be ok. I still need to talk about his emotions with this other woman to gain perspective and I feel like if go through all the crap then I can get to the other side. He still doesn't believe he really did anything wrong because it was an emotional affair with an old girlfriend and when he "realized" what he had with our family he told her they could only be friends. He would still be "friends" today if I hadn't told him I couldn't participate in rebuilding this marriage until he had closure with her. I know he knows he hurt me and he is having an extremely difficult time with my anxiety and sadness. He just wants it all to go away. I would love to hear how other couples got to the next step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual" by Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT comes highly recommended. It's less than 100 pages and there is also a Kindle edition. I hope this helps.

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000

I too thought about telling my husband about this site so that he could see that what I'm feeling and needing is normal. But I too didnt' want to give up the site because I need to have somewhere to turn for advice and if he knew about it I wouldnt' feel as comfortable posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000

Thanks for posting this. I think I will try to get the kindle edition and ask my husband to read it too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
I have read some of the book now and I think it will definitely help. It has made me realize why I am having such a hard time getting over things. Mainly due to the things my husband is not doing to help me. So many things she has said in the book are like, thats exactly how I feel. I am going to ask my husband to read it and tell him how important it is to me that he does. I think I might make it a deal breaker if he doesn't. Becasue right now I do not feel he is Successful Rebuilder, I think he is just doing enough to get by and not really trying ot help me. I have been so emotional and grouchy still and can't seem to get out of htis gloom. Even though we are working on our marriage, or at least continuing it, and some things are going good. I just can't get over it and feel something is holding me back. This book is helping me to realize what it is holding me back and making me think that I just want out of it. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster and not really feeling that he is putting effort into it. Ok, sorry I am rambling but just from reading half of the book I see so much clearer. Now just to convince him to read it. Wish me luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
In all honesty I don't think most of the WSs have much of a clue as to how to help us heal. After the initial turmoil subsides they seem to think the marriage will miraculously get better on its own - it won't. It takes a lot of understanding and work by both partners. My H and I both thought the book was very helpful. Like you, it helped me understand why I was having trouble moving forward and it gave him pretty specific guidelines. We both wanted the marriage to work, we just didn't have all the answers as to how to go about it. This book was a definite winner - plus it didn't overwhelm him. Absolutely I wish you luck!

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Your first line grabbed my attention, because it's true, I think for all of us.