When to begin MC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
When to begin MC?
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:48am

I need some advice. It's been 64 days past D-Day. H has opened up some and is willing to go to MC. He has been very remorseful and although it is like pulling teeth, he does answer questions about the A. We have been intimate with each other. We are more comfortable with each other. We seem to be moving forward. We have an appointment scheduled for MC in a week.

My concern is H still has e-mail addresses of several OW in his computer, erases history from his computer and still has phone listing of most recent OW in his cell. Although he has opened up a little, I feel he is holding on to past. I have not asked him to remove e-mail addresses and phone numbers because I feel he should do so on his own. In checking his cell phone, there has not been any recent calls to OW, but OW name is still listed when I feel it should be deleted. Is it possible to block OW from calling H cell phone? I did ask if any recent contact, H says OW has sent e-mail but H has not responded. H says there has not been any contact with OW. Since H erasess history from computer, how do I know for sure? How can I trust what H says? He has been very loving and saying all the right things, but I feel he is holding on.

My question, is it too soon to start MC if it appears H hasn't let go? Is it too soon for me because I find it difficult to ask him to delete numbers and addresses? It was very difficult for me to make an appointment with MC. Would MC be the opportunity to discuss this or should we have worked this out before MC?

I don't know why I'm so hesitant to begin MC but I am. It took me 2 days to make the call and I hung up several times before finally making the appointment. Can anyone offer insight?

Thank you in advance. All of you have been so helpful in prior posts. I don't know where I'd be without your help. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 9:04am
My H and I found counseling very helpful--it really opened his eyes to what he had done and why. Perhaps your H needs that help in letting go of the past--it certainly would be something to discuss in your therapy sessions. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 2:19pm

Thank you for your reply. It's just that I read one post wherein the BS commented that the MC did not help because they started while H was stil involved with OW, unbeknowngst (sp?) to BS. The BS stated she felt it was a waste of time because he had not let go. I don't know for certain whether my H has truly severed all communication, how does one really know anyway. I would hate to start therapy and it not be productive. If H is not ready to let go then I can't see him being open in therapy. I can't see H telling the truth in therapy if he still hiding his relationship.

I can only hope we have a good counselor that can weed through the bull. I lived in it for years. My H is a pro at concealment.

Thanks for your encouragement. I'm going to push myself and tell H I need him to delete numbers and addresses from computer and phone and see what happens. I'd rather have this out before we start MC. Maybe then we can discuss the after effects MC. That is....if H will still be willing to go.

Oh, I hate my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:06pm

Have you gone to the Break-Free-From-The-Affair site? I don't know the exact URL, however, it does not recommend MC initially, however, later it is very helpful IF both parties are on the same page. The reason it does not recommend it is bc it usually is one party pulling the other one, with resistance, and so the therapy is viewed as helping the one hurting, in this case, the BS, when that is NOT what the BS wants the therapy for at all, but for BOTH spouses. In my case, my H was calling OW occasionally, from a payphone at that, he says to find out if I had called OW yet. I read where the WS has a hard time "letting go" and that it takes time for them to get the OW out of their system and that they go thru "withdrawals" and "depression" from having a love-like relationship to a complete halting stop. From a psychological viewpoint, that is understandable, however, from a BS standpoint, it is completely unacceptable. I refuse to sit on the sidelines hurting from the extramarital affair while my H goes thru withdrawals for the OW. It's not as if they're on heroin or something and you're helping them thru a drug withdrawal. This is another woman who has come into your marriage and you're expected to help him thru those withdrawals?! I don't think so. I feel that it would have been better if my H went thru those withdrawals by himself bc to find out he's still not stopped all contact with OW, for WHATEVER reason, tells me that he is still emotionally involved. And how do I know that he's not emotionally involved now? That's just it. I don't. And it's getting to where I really don't care anymore, one way or the other. Caring didn't get me anywhere so why bother? After awhile you get numb by it all and it doesn't matter anymore.

Are you reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It warns about forgiving too fast and pseudo forgiveness where you are so anxious to have things go back to normal that you speed up the process while WS is still way behind in the process. The problem is that by the time WS gets caught up in his process, you've moved beyond that bc you can't stay in that long a period of time in pain any longer and you had to move or go under. So you moved from that space and are in a different phase of the process and lo and behold, here comes WS, now he's "ready", usually bc he sees that he's losing you. All too often it's too late. Marriage counselors get calls from men all the time frantic asking for help in getting their wives to counseling when it's too late. Men and women process differently. A woman processes as she's going thru the situation. Men process AFTER a woman has left (either emotionally or physically or both). That's when a man just STARTS to process and it's too little too late.

I'm going to IC for me bc I'm already did the MC thing and it was a waste of time, energy, emotion, and money so why bother now? How do I know it won't be a repeat of before? I don't. But I do know that it won't be a waste if I go alone bc it will all be for ME, and helping ME bc that's what I want. And H still doesn't "get it". It's not the affair that I'm having a hard time with. It's his calling her after I confronted him about it to, as he calls it, "get a pulse on us" that is causing me to have second thoughts on even trying to make it work. How do you call another woman, one you've been fuc*ing, and think it could possibly be helping "us"? All he was doing was letting OW know that she still had him. THAT is what I will not deal with. And THAT is why I am emotionally disconnecting with my H.

So before you go to MC think about how it will affect you if your H is still not finished with OW while going thru MC. That happens a LOT and many BS's will tell you that's what happened to them. For me that is more devastating to me than anything else. It may not be for you, but that's what it was for me. Now my guard is up even more so than ever. I was so ready to forgive and move on and he was calling her all the time for whatever reason it doesn't matter, the fact of the matter is that he was still calling her, once or three times, it doesn't matter. So I'm not interested in MC. If we do it, it will have to be him arranging it, and then MAYBE I'll consider it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:44pm

Bingo! You expressed my fears and hesitation with MC. If H is not ready, only going to MC because I said we need to go, then it won't work. H says he wants to do what it takes to heal the M. Well, let's see if H will delete numbers and addresses first. I will keep the appointment for MC, but if numbers and addresses are still there come appointment date, I will go alone for IC. I'm like you, I refuse to wait on the sidelines while he gets it together. I've been knee deep in this bs for too long. I'm starting to stink myself. I need to step out of this crap and horrible state of mind, with or without H. I need to sleep and get back up to a size 6, at least fill out the 4. I'm wasting away holding on to H waiting for him to "let go", grieve, get over it, or whatever term you can give. I've got to get out from under H. Hopefully H will reach up for me, I can't stay down in this dirt any longer. Yes, I realize I may be impatient with H. I'm ph***ed up! I'm not giving up on H or the M, but I need to begin to heal myself before there is nothing left to heal. Right now I hate myself, I'm starting all over again with the tears. I hate the rollercoaster, I want to ph***ing get off! I only wanted for my H to love me like I Iove him. Well to put it simply, my H didn't and I'm having a helluva time coming to terms with that. I'm crying too much, I've got to go.

I don't think I'll post anymore, this is too painful to wallow in this crap! Good luck to you and thanks for sharing!