when you lash out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
when you lash out
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 11:27am

I hate what this has done to my personality and I wish I was strong enough to fight it all the time, instead of the MOST of the time I can control it now.

I hate when I lash out at my dh - even when he deserves it - b/c it serves NO purposes except distancing us, making us both upset and just making things worse.

How have you all learned to control your upset/temper/whatever you want to call it when you get upset?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 12:01pm
For me due to the other challenges I have with my H, I find it is best for me to take a walk and think before I speak. I word and reword what I want to say or am feeling before I approach him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 12:05pm

That's what I do 98% of the time ... well except the email part, my dh is computer illiterate :-D

I have recently started writing letters and that helps me express myself w/o tripping over my emotions.

It's that 2% of the time when I LOSE my mind that frustrates me ... sigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 9:27am

I don't know how long it's been for you since experiencing the tramatic event of having someone you love betray you in such a bad way but we are hitting the one year mark of finding out that my DH betrayed me. It's so hard!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 12:30pm

I found that I lashed out when I let myself stew on things or when I had questions I knew I couldn't ask because DH would get defensive. Those questions would ride me like a monkey on my back until I exploded. It wasn't pretty. I hated the lack of control.

I recognized some of my anger came from a feeling of powerlessness. I didn't feel I could ask my H simple questions and get good answers and I needed answers. So, we arranged a time once a week to talk about it. There were rules so it wouldn't turn into an argument or someone attacking the other one. Knowing that I would be able to ask and get answers or simply tell him how I felt helped a lot. So that I would remember my questions, I started writing them down, which helped me to stop obsessing about the EA. Knowing that I was going to spend time thinking and writing my questions down enabled me to simply note what had popped in my head about the EA, then set it aside to consider later. Each day when I sat down to write down what I had thought about that day, I went over my list, crossed out redundant questions or questions I had already asked and shortened my list. Those questions sessions cleared the air and gave him a safe forum to talk about it, too.

I cannot tell you how much this helped me. I obsessed less, my anger didn't build and we had fewer arguments because I wasn't popping out questions at the worst times. I can't say that I had my anger totally under control, that took some time, but it helped tremendously.

Figure out what triggers your anger. Why is it building to the breaking point and do something to deal with it early on rather than letting it build.