Why am I doing this today ???

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Why am I doing this today ???
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Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:52pm

Lately I've noticed I've been dreaming about the OW. The dreams are becoming stronger and today I cannot get her out of my head. Do I fear H has been in contact with her? NO! Honestly, I think if she showed up on our doorstep he'd send her away & be angry with her for even trying to contact him.

Maybe it's an intuitional feeling. Maybe she's finally moved to OR. Maybe she's moved in with her XBF & his wife to be their nanny (as was planned until she & my H went into psychosis with each other attributed to acute bipolar mania). Maybe that is it as I keep having dreams running into her XBF (H friend), his W & HER. Which, I think, if it were just me or even just me & my H I'd fare just fine, but my dreams I'm always with my children. I don't want her to see my children. She's infertile & I know that was a HUGE part of her attraction to my H - instant kids. I have not even be able to update their websites since this all began. I don't want her visiting them and seeing them grow up. I guess I just need to get some new domains. Uggh.

Another thing that has been haunting me, especially today, is the only connection these two had in the past is basically our wedding day. We had met her about 14 years ago. H friend brought her to meet us at a bar. We were barely even in there before she ran out to her car and started cry. I went to console her & spent night talking with her in her car about her BF (H friend) and how he wasn't ready to get married yet & how she wanted to start a family. I could tell from that very first conversation how obsessive she could be.

Then 12 years ago H and I married. This was the 2nd and last time we met this OW. We had some friends/family travel quite far for our wedding and they would only be there for a few days. Our honeymoon was postponed for a week so we invited the travelers to our house. It turned into a party, but this friend brougth the OW with him. I barely remember her there.

Now, H needed to feel connected to this OW to help strengthen his bond for her & probably break the bond for me down. Well, the first time they met he barely even saw her as she was with me the whole time. So, how did they connect, our wedding day. Yip. How sick is that?

Today I'm really angry about this. Why? Why is it haunting me so bad today? Our anniversary was over a month ago. I cannot think of any anniversaries around this time. I just don't get it. I want it out of my head. I need to get some work done & it's not getting done.

Bleh, help !

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
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Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:44pm

Bonnie, It is a trigger for some reason. Allow your gut to lead you to the answer. Is he having a bad couple of days? Has he said or done something that seems to connect to that time? Dreams are role play for how we handle stress. They help us find the answers to our inner voices and help us become strong when faced with what we fear the most. I know how much this sucks but you mus do a little digging to figure out what the trigger was. In the mean time maybe a little walk alone to clear your head would help??

Keep your chin up.. We are all here when you need us...

(((HUG)))) Irene

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Avatar for firstglimpse
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Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:52pm

Maybe the trigger is simply he is doing better. I'm not just remembering the man I fell in love with, but he's coming home. Maybe I'm feeling a distrust and scared to accept him in case I loose him again. Which is strange as I know ... KNOW ... if she came around right now she would not even play 2nd fiddle. Perhaps it's just realizing what I almost lost???

H started Adavant 2 weeks ago. Since then he has not hid in the bedroom. He has not had one alcoholic drink. He has been taking our 4yo out. He's been shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. He seems human again.

Strange thing ... so I talked to Liam's playschool teacher yesterday. I let her know from the beginning what was going on so she could let me know how Liam is doing. I found out, through another mother - Liam's friend, that they got time out together a week ago. Liam's in 2 different classes so I wanted to know if he was only doing this with this friend he has or in both classes. She told me only with the friend, but now there are 3 of them. I said, "I cannot believe with as shy as Liam can be he would be the one disrupting class." She laughed and said, "oh, he is not shy any more. For the past 2 weeks he has not shown any shyness. He has really bloomed." She also said they are playing too roughly in class and she doesn't want to discourage Liam from playing with friends, but to listen (which they were not doing) and to realize there is a time and place for that type of play.

So on the way home I was trying to figure out what has changed in the past 2w, then I realized that is when H started this new med (type of valium - so immediate effect). Then that is when the triggers with the OW really started to hit hard. The dreams had already started, but it was when I realized how much better H is doing I started to become overwhelmed. Which is really strange as I know he never would have had the A if he was of sound mind. The OW has never actually seen my H sober & sane before. That is why the trigger is confusing me so bad.

I'll keep trying to let it flow & not fight it. I'll try to treat it like an anxiety attack.

Thanks Irene.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
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Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 4:14pm

Bonnie, You may already have it! You are right when I started to get more and more of my triggers they had more to do with "normal" life. Meaning the more I felt "normal" the more "normal" he acted the more fear I had! Fear of loosing him again. Fear of allowing my anger for what he had done out. Fear of "normal". It took YOU!!! To help me see that and look at you now.... You have figured this one out for yourself. See it does help just to talk.. I have trouble seeing the "good" come out. You see the "good" even in the middle of all the bad. You have such a great out look.. Liam is very lucky to have a mom that is so in tuned to herself and the people all together.. Keep up the good work my dear.. Just remember it is normal to process these things so far out. In our case with the other issues we deal with. We tend to have to fight the fight before we can deal with the effects if you know what I mean..

HUGS Irene

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Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:33pm

Maybe it's that you are no longer required as his caretaker and he can begin to exercise his free will. You know in a way you have been in control of it all and on a mission for his mental health. As he gets better your role is changing, transforming to a BS only. Crisis over and know your own emotions are free to be pondered.


I dunno' it's just that I do really well in a crisis and then when it's over I have a meltdown...this seems sort of the same to me.

Solazzo


Solazzo

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Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:40pm

Sol, Great point!! I too can keep going and going in the middle of the battle. Once it has ended I tend to also meltdown. Things start to hit and I can't believe I was really there and "took care" of it at the time..

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Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:19am

This is another good point, something my H even pointed out while we were seperated. He kept saying, 'once I'm doing better I worry about you coming to a realization of all what has happened and perhaps you will not be able to forgive me. I think you're too busy trying to take care of me.'

My value for family is too strong to let it, but I do think being able to relax could be part of it too. Because I can stay calm and work through problems so well I always end up in stressful job related titles. So when I would finally take a vacation I would end up being sick for the first half of the week.

I've also been a little freaked out not having my weekly NAMI class. That was a place I could go weekly and feel like I had an outlet of all of this. Even if I didn't talk about my situation it still provided me with support. I started classes shortly upon H return, now I feel like I have to go through this alone. (Support groups are only once a month - but my class is going to try to start our own starting mid-May, then it will be nearly every other week.)

I think another part is we just bought a new camera. So I am anxious to start working on our kids' websites again (stopped in Sep when all of this began). But I feel stumped as I do not want to use their current domains. I don't want HER to check up on my children. For a short while she thought she was going to be a parent to our children. She is infertile & the night her/H 'fell in love' was the day she asked her H for a divorce b/c he wouldn't do in-vetro. I think a HUGE attraction to my H was he has 2 kids & an extremely loving/caring father. I want to get a new domain, but I don't want to explain to H why.

BTW: do you like 2IrishBrats or 2IrishTots better? I don't know if I like brats b/c they are far from it, but Liam is 4 now - hardly a tot. I don't want to use any part of their names in the domain as I want there to be difficulty in her part of finding them (although - it would be easy enough if you understand how domains work).

Hmmm ... I guess my fear of her is not actually my H, but still falls on my children. I had a bf @ 19. An obsessive bf. He proposed to me & I laughed. I let him know I was not looking for a H I was too young and had too much to do & he definately would never be it. One night he told me, 'I'll get you. I can see it now. You'll have two beautiful children. Yeah, that is when I'll get you.'

For the next 5 yrs I could not get rid of this guy. We went to school in Southern Utah, his home state was California. When we broke up he was on his way to HI to live with his mom for a while. He was a HUGE surfer & he landed a job instructing. He was loving life there & wasn't going to return to school in Utah. I told him I was going to go to the U of U. On the day I left to return to S.Utah he called my house & my sis, not knowing, told him I went back to S.Utah. When I got back to school last yrs friends told my this xbf was going to stay in HI. Yet, as soon as he found out I was going back he dropped everything in HI & showed up 3 days later.

When I graduated (2yr college) I started the UofU, he thought I was going to go to Utah State. Next thing I know he's enrolled at the UofU. For the next five yrs he would call my mother often trying to figure out where I lived. He'd visit my friends trying to find any info about me. Eventually he found me & had even made it into my house as I had ran into him at a bar and he described my room to me. (Probably through a roommate.)

As a result, with a 3 month relationship haunting me for over 5 yrs, I have always feared what would happen after I had 2 kids. Will he show up again? Will he take my kids to get to me? Perhaps I'm already paranoid about my kids & now putting another obsessive person (she also suffers OCD ontop of the bipolar) really freaks me out. Will she continue to obsess as she does with her xbf (our connection) for the past 14 yrs? What will happen if she hits psychosis again, especially if she lives in town? At least w/my H his psycosis was triggered by antidepressants, hers was natural. W/my H it's possible he may never actually reach that point again, especially if treating. Plus my H has me to help him through the treatment. She doesn't. It's very likely she'll go into acute mania again. When she does I bet memories of my H will be triggered.

Uggggh, okay, irrational thoughts. One problem I do have & one my IC has told me to try to calm. Too many what-ifs.

Still feels good to get my fears out there though.

Don't you all wish you were raised in a family of mental illness so you would look for it in your adulthood & the drama never seems to calm.

----------------

While on the topic of drama, can I discuss one more thing? Sort of OT b/c it's not about me, but still involves depression, affairs, divorce, etc.

Bare with me as this might be a long story, but seeing my sister is my best friend & this has to do with her I feel I have nobody to talk to about this.

My sister, married 10 yrs, mother of 4, is in a really bad relationship. She became pg & was not positive who the father was as she did have a 1-night stand with a friend. So she ended up telling her bf it was his, but she did NOT want to get married. She lost the pg & ended up pg again shortly thereafter. Again, she lost the pg. By this time her bishop (church leader) had told her it was time to marry her bf, as well as my mother & his parents. So they did. She actually said as we helped her get dressed in her gown, 'well, there is always divorce.'

In their 1st yr of marriage there were 2 more mc's. In her depression (I'm not defending her - telling her story) she thought she'd never have her H babies and started an EA (and somewhat physical) with my cousin's H. Upon disclosure is when she realized how obssesive her H is with her body.

Over the yrs her H has become more controlling over her body. She has told me stories I cannot share as they are too haunting. In-short, she has been raped repeatedly throughout their marriage. Over the past 3 yrs she's been trying to get herself to a place to leave him, but she is so dependent on him. He is the type that believes as long as she is pg/nursing she cannot leave him. I believe he has played with condoms to make them fautly (I've never heard of so many to fail as I have in their marriage). As a result for the past 10+ yrs she has been pg, nursing or recoverying from a miscarriage (she's now had 6-7 mc's that I know about.... yes, fertile, all the women in my family are. I have no idea what it's like to try to get pg ).

Well, to gain control of her life she has been threatening D if he doesn't respect her body. He's gone through IC, Sex Annonymous & MC. Yet he does what ever he can to persuade my sister to give-in. She will not so he's taken to drugging her.

Over the past 3 mos my sister has started an EA (as far as I know it's EA) and she has not kept any of this a secret from her H. Her H has even answered the phone while the OM calls & he hands the phone to her. This has really put a seperation between my sister & I. She has always known how I felt about her first EA, but now to do this in the midst of what I'm going through she cannot talk to me & I often have a hard time talking to her.

About 3w ago my sister remembers early Sunday night. Then everything is a blank. The next thing she knows it is Tues night, beer & wine all over the house. She doesn't remember having that 1st drink. While arguing with her H she remembers saying, 'I haven't slept in over 2 days, I need sleep.' Which she then grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and started popping them (swollowed 7 before her H stopped her). Now he would NOT take her to the ER. He would NOT call an ambulence. Once the crisis calmed down & we've had time to think it appears her H has drugged her again, but this time much deeper than ever before. I looked up Rohypnol on the net & see if given w/alcohol you could loose up to 36 hrs of time.

They are renting their house while my mom is teaching in China & living in her house. Her H is living on the top floor while his family is in the basement. Everytime my sister gets him to agree to move out something happens around that time & he ends up staying. Now realizing how obssisive he is of my sister I must say I've been a little concerned w/her life. Then yesterday my mom called crying saying she believes my BL could actually kill my sis.

Now we've been through this before with my older sister - her H actually came after her with a gun as she hid at my bro's apartment. Her H knew the complex, but not the apt (my sweet brother moved to Vegas simply to protect her, oh how I miss him, died Dec 2004). He told her he was going to, but the police would not come until they knew it was a real threat (i.e. show up with the gun). People in the apt's the following day talked of a raving man wondering the complex with a gun in his hand.

So I can be very compassionate toward my mother's fears. I live in Oregon, the rest of my siblings live in Utah. I feel so helpless from here, as my mother does in China. I love my sister, as I've said, she is my best friend, but she is also a liar, as her H, and I don't know who's stories to believe.

Anyway, that is my new drama in life. Yip, one every 6 months or less, been my story for the past 3.5 yrs.

Thanks for listening (reading),
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng