Why rebuild?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Why rebuild?
23
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:46am

What are your reasons for wanting to rebuild? I need inspiration...It is clear that it will be a long tough road. So why go through the pain? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband even after all of the pain he created in my life, both our lives. And I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: amarina7799
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:41am

good question

Years of being with someone and throwing it all away?

You do care about this person with all your heart. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Your love and time you have spent in this relationship is not worth giving up. Some have kids involved and dont want to give up their happiness either. Your comfort level of knowing this person inside and out despite the A is sometimes enough to keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 5:44pm
Good question indeed, 1st Anniversary of Dday is Sat... and I don't know why myself some days.
All that was said up there, maybe, familiarity? Longing for what you wanted in the 1st place? I knew my H for 33 years when A happened, M 16 - so maybe time in? I don't know.
You will do best by never trusting 100% again, they'll never have that blind love and trust, and we'll never be able to give it, with or with out them, we've just been hurt too bad - too damaged....
Of course you deserve better, we all do / did....
And I guess it's up to us to make sure we get it.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: amarina7799
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:14am

That's an intensely personal decision, one all of us here have to make, and it really should be based solely on what YOU want.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 10:45am

Thanks for that myradorn. Thanks for sharing your story. I do agree that this is decision is entirely personal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: amarina7799
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 10:35am

I didn't believe in fairy tale marriages.

I knew we would have hard times before we got married. I also KNEW before I got married, that (some)affairs are about a poor coping technique on a cheating spouse, not about the betrayed spouse. I knew alot of men that had affairs because they were unhappy in the marriage but it had NOTHING to do with not loving the wife. The cheating men were just to stupid to realize that! Mentally I use to challenge myself and wondered if I could forgive a ONS never thought emotional affair too!

Most importantly I knew our marriage was broken, we took a chance getting married young which then I was prepared mentally to fight thru a few of those things for what I believe was/is generally a good person!

I realized that no matter who I would be with after my dh that I would never trust 100% again but hey 95% is just as good;)

I generally like my husband and I knew we enjoy doing the same activities. I didn't feel we would be twiddling our thumbs once the kids were gone, we have the same interests.

CHILDREN!! absolutely!! I do believe you have to earn your way out of a divorce as DR. Phil likes to say. I didn't want to carry all this emotional baggage onto a new relationship. I didn't want to waiver after all my anger leaves and wonder what could have been and screw up my kids or next mate. I knew eventually the anger would leave and I had to deal w/ it first!

hugs, tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 12:45pm

Sometimes though, on some days, I wonder if this pain is worth it. I truly enjoy spending time with my H, and I miss him when we are apart. He is extremely remorseful for all of the lies and deceit and hurt he caused. He wants me to move back in. He started wearing his ring again. He grabs my hand again when we are walking around. He kissed me (been many months) last night. It is all so strange. It seems like all of the things I have been hoping and asking for are suddenly happening. So why am I not happy about them? Why am I not packing up and moving back right this minute?


Will I always have second thoughts? There are SO many friends and family in my life that have told me to move on without him. What if they are right? I will have second thoughts and play the "what if" game now no matter what way this goes. But I simply cannot see my life without him in it.


I still feel I should TRY to fix our M. I need to earn my D if that is what I choose to do. My H is disgusted with himself and is damaged just as much as I am. But he is able to push it aside and function well. So many things remind me of the pain...


I am angry. I wish he would have listened to me all those months ago when I basically told him to think about what he is doing/about to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: amarina7799
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:44pm

The reason I rebuilt with my DH was that he was willing to do the work and was capable of self-evaluation and change. There were several times I was ready to walk, but he turned it around each time, he showed me he was committed to me and was willing to do what I needed him to do.

There were levels there, of course. What I expected two years out was much more than when it all first happened. Her simply walking into his office a year after NC began and him not kicking her out was enough for me to start talking divorce. If he had not kicked rebuilding into high gear, I would have left.

With my xH, once I left him, that was it. He wasn't capable of doing what I needed him to do in order for me to stay married to him. He just wasn't equipped to understand where he screwed up and how he needed to change.

I understand your need for him to tell OW that he has chosen you. You need him to stand up for you and your marriage. I needed that, too. DH never said the words so much as he lived them. She works where we work and in the last year and a half that she has been here (it has been three years since her last visit to his office), he has totally avoided her department, he has arranged things so that if he needs her services he doesn't have to have any contact with her. She took one of his classes this semester and the way he dealt with her was so different than in the past that I doubt she didn't get the message loud and clear.

The other thing that had me ready to walk when she came to visit him was that he didn't tell her because "he didn't want to hurt her." A year later and he was still protecting her emotional well-being and throwing me unde the buss to do it. He didn't even realize he was doing it until I made it painfully obvious. I swear I saw a light bulb go off over his head. It stopped right there. He made me his priority.

Your DH is doing exactly what my DH was doing and probably not even realizing it. Considering his role as her supporter and coach through her divorce, of course, his knee jerk reaction is to protect her, but that is not his job. If he wants that job, he can leave you and be with her and do it to his heart's content, but if he wants to stay married to you, you need to be his priority. If it hurts her, well, she created this situation with him and he does her no favors by protecting her from the consequences of her selfish choices. You, on the other hand, deserve his protection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 1:29pm
When you first decided to try to rebuild, knowing it would take years and tons of work and painful conversations, wasn't that a hard pill to swallow? How did you get over those things and charge ahead?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:04am
1 year after Dday - 8 months after he moved back in and NC w/ OW and I'm STILL not 'over' any of it. Still think about it on a daily basis, still makes me sad, I consider it now a victory if I don't cry in a 24 hour period, I'm almost up to a week w/o crying - and that's in a year... MC is helping, and I've thought long and hard, I will NEVER get OVER this, I just have to get through it somehow.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: amarina7799
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 5:24pm

True, my bad choice of words..none of us will get over it. Just "around" it I suppose. My H said something interesting the other day to me. He wants me to forgive AND forget.

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