wife sees trigger, presses 2 talk immed!
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|Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:16pm|
My wife and i have lunch every Monday now. it is great - we really look forward to it.
4 hrs ago from right now as i'm typing this we are walking away from the coffee shop.
at lunch and at the coffee shop after wards there were a lot of Indian men. i mean, i'm in the Bay Area of N.cali (SF, OAK, SJ) ... if you've lived anywhere near Silicon Valley you'll know what i mean when i say : F*CK ME!
Today's outing was poifect. Wife and i are hand in hand, had a GREAT time at lunch and coffee. Super fun, very loving and affectionate. So not sure why ... but we're walking past a last table of an outdoor cafe and Indian guy there looks like OM to me. i look at him, narrow eyes, then as we walk past i look back again at him. yup, BANG! - you got it - TRIGGER!!
I know that this is just a daily fact of life for me, especially since i have seen the OM's picture, know his full name, home address, where he works, etc, etc. I know people on the board here understand the looking in cars in traffic, the constant (but ridiculous) "hunt", the looking hard at someone you *think* might be "them". add in a racial thing and its an ugly internal spin that literally looks and behaves like the evil green goo rotating in the church basement from the early John Carpenter horror movie Prince of Darkness.
Anyway, my wife witnesses this trigger and presses to talk to me, have me talk about it, immediately then and there in the parking lot. Wow.
Her face is a gentle smile. I've known this woman for 12+ years and i can tell she is completely open hearted, is mentally present and has no agenda. it was an amazing ... feeling / sight / experience.
of course me the huge hearted big feeler .. i get back to my desk at work after she drops me off and i'm hit by the Tsunami of gratitude. if she were a real bitch, this rebuilding would be utter Hell. i mean, i told her i didn't want to kick too much Heavy in the minivan ride back to my office but shtt - i was just overcome at my desk with that feeling of love, brightness, courage, openness and best part was .. .i was CLEAR of the trigger and residual negative feelings about it. ya know?
So yah ... i had to write and e-mail to her, just to get it out of me. Had to (re) communicate how much her strong stance, her courage to draw me out of a spin -- how much that meant to me and made ME bold.
only thing i changed from the below e-mails are names and e-mail addresses.
First is my e-mail to her. Second is her reply.
> To: Sxxxxxxx11@hotmail.com
> Subject: Another thank you
> From: firstname.lastname@example.org
> Date: Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:39:00 -0700
> FYI I'm so smiley right now! Why? Here's why: Thank U for being brave and making me tell you when I have a trigger.
> Why is it so great? Well...yes open communication as you said - but more to that - right now I'm totally clear from that trigger event 15 mins ago. Ya know? I might have been clear this afternoon but the way U asked me, pressed me to talk, to clear it. It makes all the difference and I love you for it. You are an amazing woman. I'm the luckiest sonofabitch that ever lived and I hope you really are ready for MAS LOVE from me.
i am ready for your mas love but only want it if it is completely effortless on your part. do you know what i mean? i really truly feel so much love for you and i always have, always will. there is no other person on this earth that can fill me like you do. (haha, in multiple ways)
i want you to share these things not just because it creates an open channel of communication between us, but also because i need to know and feel what you are thinking and feeling. i need to know every single way which you have been and still are affected.
i love you.