wife sees trigger, presses 2 talk immed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
wife sees trigger, presses 2 talk immed!
10
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:16pm

OK.

My wife and i have lunch every Monday now. it is great - we really look forward to it.

4 hrs ago from right now as i'm typing this we are walking away from the coffee shop.

at lunch and at the coffee shop after wards there were a lot of Indian men. i mean, i'm in the Bay Area of N.cali (SF, OAK, SJ) ... if you've lived anywhere near Silicon Valley you'll know what i mean when i say : F*CK ME!

Today's outing was poifect. Wife and i are hand in hand, had a GREAT time at lunch and coffee. Super fun, very loving and affectionate. So not sure why ... but we're walking past a last table of an outdoor cafe and Indian guy there looks like OM to me. i look at him, narrow eyes, then as we walk past i look back again at him. yup, BANG! - you got it - TRIGGER!!

I know that this is just a daily fact of life for me, especially since i have seen the OM's picture, know his full name, home address, where he works, etc, etc. I know people on the board here understand the looking in cars in traffic, the constant (but ridiculous) "hunt", the looking hard at someone you *think* might be "them". add in a racial thing and its an ugly internal spin that literally looks and behaves like the evil green goo rotating in the church basement from the early John Carpenter horror movie Prince of Darkness.

Anyway, my wife witnesses this trigger and presses to talk to me, have me talk about it, immediately then and there in the parking lot. Wow.

Her face is a gentle smile. I've known this woman for 12+ years and i can tell she is completely open hearted, is mentally present and has no agenda. it was an amazing ... feeling / sight / experience.

of course me the huge hearted big feeler .. i get back to my desk at work after she drops me off and i'm hit by the Tsunami of gratitude. if she were a real bitch, this rebuilding would be utter Hell. i mean, i told her i didn't want to kick too much Heavy in the minivan ride back to my office but shtt - i was just overcome at my desk with that feeling of love, brightness, courage, openness and best part was .. .i was CLEAR of the trigger and residual negative feelings about it. ya know?

So yah ... i had to write and e-mail to her, just to get it out of me. Had to (re) communicate how much her strong stance, her courage to draw me out of a spin -- how much that meant to me and made ME bold.

only thing i changed from the below e-mails are names and e-mail addresses.

First is my e-mail to her. Second is her reply.

> To: Sxxxxxxx11@hotmail.com
> Subject: Another thank you
> From: x.xxxxxx@xxx.net
> Date: Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:39:00 -0700
>
> FYI I'm so smiley right now! Why? Here's why: Thank U for being brave and making me tell you when I have a trigger.
> Why is it so great? Well...yes open communication as you said - but more to that - right now I'm totally clear from that trigger event 15 mins ago. Ya know? I might have been clear this afternoon but the way U asked me, pressed me to talk, to clear it. It makes all the difference and I love you for it. You are an amazing woman. I'm the luckiest sonofabitch that ever lived and I hope you really are ready for MAS LOVE from me.
> moomoomoo
> loveloveloveLOVElove!!!
>

-------------- Forwarded Message: --------------
From: S <Sxxxxxxx11@hotmail.com>
To: P <x.xxxxxx@xxx.net>
Subject: RE: Another thank you
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 2009 20:58:51 +0000

i am ready for your mas love but only want it if it is completely effortless on your part. do you know what i mean? i really truly feel so much love for you and i always have, always will. there is no other person on this earth that can fill me like you do. (haha, in multiple ways)

i want you to share these things not just because it creates an open channel of communication between us, but also because i need to know and feel what you are thinking and feeling. i need to know every single way which you have been and still are affected.

i love you.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 12:45am

Two stories.

I've shared this on another thread. But I awoke this morning and it occurred to me that If DW is talking to me that I'm doing ok. It's when she's hesitant or short with me that I tailspin. It finally occurred to me that when I ask her about the OM that I'm really asking is where I fit in the scheme of things. I know she's still thinking about the OM and it drives me crazy.

I'm going to tell her that if she want's me to move on from the OMen that she has to also. I'll give him up if she does. And that means mentally. I'll stop thinking about him if she does. Otherwise, were doing really well.

----

DW's youngest sister married this loser. Ugh! He's OD like twice. Anyway, I couldn't bring myself to go down to DW's folks house because she used that place as an excuse to go see the OM just a few blocks away. Back in OCT or Nov she and i went down there for a day to face my fears. but otherwise I have not been there. Well, OM moved up here in November. UGH!

DW's little sister came over and when she got there her husband called Mom and was just screaming. My heart just fell. Little sister doesn't deserve to be treated this way. The next morning he called again and said he had a gun, bla bla bla. Mom decided to go over there. I went with. When I got there he had a shotgun in his mouth. Mom pulled it from him and handed it to me. I pumped four rounds out of it. Took it apart and put in the car. I listened to him go on about how little sister is so awful and how he's just trying. bla bla bla. I actually felt like a super husband after talking to Mr. freak-show. I gave my father-in-law the shotgun. Ugh! My life! That's what I get for being white trash in the rockies.

I heard Mom tell my wife that her two sons and only one of her son-in-laws (out of five) ever change diapers or help with the dishes in her home. She pointed to me (who was instantly proud that I was right in the middle of doing the last of the morning dishes). Yeah, DW got an earful about what a great catch I was and how much I must love her to put up with her stuff. I was obsessing about being in that guys home town and I really needed an ego boost and it was just what the doctor ordered. I then got on my Honda and road my big bike all over his town and talked to a bunch of guys at the gas station about their bikes. It's a small town and everyone knows my in-laws. I made a big deal about the other guys bikes and asked questions. Guys like to show off their bikes, and these guys were simply jazzed to tell anyone about their modifications and their new special order skull mirrors and such. They just beamed. I was modest about my stock bike and how it was my first and I was just now getting used to controlling it. I joked that it drove me sometimes and simply hang on for dear life, but they clearly liked what they saw. Word gets around in a small town. It wouldn't break my heart if word got out that FIL's oldest daughter's H is an ok guy and drives a big ol' beautiful ride.

The bike the OM took my spouse on was his brothers. He can't afford one himself. Not something I'm really happy about or want to dig him about. But my new bike really is beautiful.

Anyway, sorry i just went off on nonsense. I'm really glad your spouse is taking care of you. That's a big deal. I doubt she would be doing that if you weren't doing the same. I'll bet she is a different gal than the one you knew eight months ago. Let it go brother. It's just you and her now. Keep it that way and keep talking to her. Those kids are going to have a hell of a dad.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding




Edited 4/14/2009 12:50 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 2:05am

HI, What a postive post. I can see why you LOVE YOUR WIFE. She GETS it and she gets what rebuilding is all about as the WS. I need your expert advice if possible.


I am a little over one year into rebuilding but since the A was a LONG one and we had Two DDAYs, I have PTSD still and will for years as Ive heard. When I have the occasional 3 or 4am wakeups with the affair "movies" in my mind, my H just says he cant help me because

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 7:40am

"how he can help with my raw emotions when they arise."

I told my spouse that when I asked hard questions or got really upset. That instead of getting defensive, (which she always did) and trying to justify what she did. What I really needed was assurances that she was through with the behavior and that she was focusing on us. It's a tricky dance. When I'm losing it, she can pick me up and be strong. When she is losing it I find that I'm able to be strong. When we both lose it, Woof! It's a disaster.

We found that the two of us needed different things. I need assurances that she was going to do this with me, her to read the self help books with me, her to bring up "the subject" on her own, and her to plan an occasional night out. She needed "space" and "fun" to give her the energy to rebuild.

If we can't do this for each other, then we are not rebuilding but coasting or spiraling.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 7:09pm

"..how to tell him how he can help with my raw emotions when they arise.."

pater_familia had a good reply (of course)

i'll say too that for me, my therapist was helpful. bless Dr.F!! she offered this: that our whole marriage i haven't really understood my wife. i have never really knew what she was thinking and i always wanted to know. Dr F said that her relationship with OM threw a huge spotlight on a pre-existing thing for me. Like OMG why why why??? multiplied by 1000x.

So if you have a therapist i would ask them the same question. ...and also fish around with the therapist to see if between your husband and yourself if there is a particular dynamic, or particular communication mode. that would be helpful to analyze and talk about. if you need a lead-in, start by asking the therapist point blank: "How can my husband help with my raw emotions when they arise?" My wife wanted to come in on a session i had with Dr F. my therapist talked to my wife, and also facilitated dialogue between my wife and i at that session. if you don't have a therapist, well personally i would suggest looking into it. try it and see if it works for you.


i'm an expressive, a big heart, extroverted guy. i put the WTF in the word 'moody'. But my wife is introverted, a 'darker' mind. - not evil but 'darker in mode'. she can be outwardly icy calm. i'm not sure how to describe it. i'm an eternal optimist who is relentlessly in love with my wife. She is a rock who is seemingly unflappable and constant/steady in love with me. there are other funky things between my wife and i, like our very physical bedroom life. i think i've been "hyper coupling" for almost a year now, and my wife is totally down with it. for a horny ape-man like me, that is SA-WEET. now toss in my intense samurai-like duty to her, our children, and our household. mix in her being sometimes overtly submissive, yet other times the fierce female. oh and what about me being from a non-hierarchical family of huggers and she's from a traditional patriarchical AZN family (read: NO TOUCHY and no saying "i love you" between family members). my wife and i are a really weird dynamic. we've decided i'm insane and she's a sociopath.

i recently told my wife during a late night talk that my heart is basically a funnel for my experiences. every day is a roller coaster for me emotionally. she asked how i could live like that. i see her point. its like our existences are so different, her and i. if i were to put my hands waist distance apart palms in to show how wide my emotional range was of up (right) and down (left - sorry lefties) was each day, well now after The Sh*t(tm) and rebuilding myself and us ... well i think my outer limits of positive and negative are wider even now. like add six inches on both sides. when i'm up i'm Ultra Man and the world is bright and open. when i'm on the brink of internal disaster it sucks and i'm just so so lost inside. i've taken to snapping cell phone pictures of myself when i'm super negative. i can see i'm spiraling and try try try to recoup, try to get with the moment, the now. Dr F says to just sit in the badness. yes it sucks but THERE IS NOTHING TO "DO". no action to take. sit in the badness, yes experience it, but no external action to take. the times i'm down - i look back on those especially the cell phone pics, and honestly *sigh* to see me so low. anyway during the same late night heart to heart my wife said that for her to feel anything, it has to be sensory overload. otherwise there is not much emotion going through her. my heart is a conduit-funnel, a fire i throw gasoline on every day. hers is a metronome, a steady pumping "it is/shall ever be".

Grateful to All on this board, for a chance to express what's in me.

Kind thoughts for us All,

ILMW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 8:11pm

Thank you Thomas and ILMW:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 12:57am
I am new to this board, but saw your post and am glad you are working things out with your wife. I am ashamed to say it, but hubby was with a big fat black girl(we are hispanic) and even though it was one time(prostitute), I have been thinking not nice thoughts at every big black girl i see. I know its wrong and not her fault, but I wonder when i see someone walking on the street....
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 1:08am

Peter

You should find that thread where you went off on the fact that the OM was indian and the young woman we were chatting with in the thread pointed out she was indian. (Give us a link back.)

The two of you handled that so well. I was very proud of you on that thread.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 10:27am

Almighty Thomas -


I remember that thread.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 5:03pm

I found it:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=46265.47

It was interesting reading that thread again. I was in so much pain back then and several of us were just throwing good vibes and teaching each other how to forgive.

Thank you thank you thank you all.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 1:06am
Pater_familia - thanks for finding that.