Will it ever get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Will it ever get better?
4
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:17am

I would appreciate some insight from women who have rebuilt, or are in the process of doing so. I found out 3 months ago, and I would like to know if it ever gets better. I had stopped saying 'I love you' because I wasn't comfortable with it until I knew where we were going and because I was scared of an A happening again. This A devastated me and I knew I would be broken should it occur again. I then realized that I can't keep holding myself back from moving on, because we would have just a shell of a relationship, so I have gradually begun to say and do loving things like before. My problem is that I am still tentative to fully say 'I love you' and other things. I haven't used any of our nicknames, and they used to be so common in our everyday conversation.

I guess my question is that I would like some reassurance that every time I say 'I love you' I won't want to follow it with, 'please don't ever do this to me again.' I need to know that the A won't consume my every thought, and tarnish what's left of our relationship. The other twist is that we were planning on getting married, and had the A not happened, we would almost definetely be engaged right now. I put everything on hold while we are sorting things out, but I am fearful of this image that keeps coming to mind; of me reaching the altar, and thinking of the A. I don't want to be thinking 'I hope you won't hurt me again.' and I don't want to have any reservations. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 12:32pm

Caitlyn...

It can get better. But I would put off plans to get married until you have worked through all the questions and feel safe in your relationship. It would be a good plan to get counseling together.

What is he doing to prove to you this will not happen again? Certainly, as we have all learned, there are no guarentees. But, you are right, you cannot be walking done the isle hoping that he will not hurt you again.

If you really want to work on rebuilding this relationship (and he does too), counseling will be very important.

Good luck....Julie




Edited 1/26/2006 12:33 pm ET by finding_my_way
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 12:51pm

Yes, it does. I'm almost 9 months into it. I didn't start saying ILY to him again until about 3-4 months. You will know when you're ready to do that. It was a little hard at first and I didn't initiate it. It was more like, ILY too. But then I started feeling it more and more so I would say it whenever I felt it - just like before.

GREAT idea to put the M on hold. There's no rush. You'll know when its right and don't put a time limit on it.

I can't say you will NEVER think of his A bc I thats not what happens. What does happen is a relationship is rebuilt and trust comes back. With effort and time, you heal from this. You'll always remember but it won't be as painful or as consuming as it is now.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 1:00pm
There are, of course, no guarantees unfortunately. Something I learned late in my 30+ years of marriage was that not dealing entirely when I had suspicions of my H's first A (that I know of) set up an enabling pattern of behavior. He was discreet and circumspect and I didn't do anything. I think he felt as long as he kept his activity out of the marriage everything was OK. The fact that I did nothing early on on validated this. This is a long-winded way to get to the fact that counseling/therapy really helped my H see why he acted as he did and the fact that I left him after successive d-days during his 3rd A showed him that finally I meant what I said. If your fiance has done some deep thinking and had professional guidance, that's a good start. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 5:47pm

We have postponed any ideas of getting married indefinetely now. It is just hard because my sister just got married and she keeps asking when we will be getting engaged. I don't want to tell her everything that happened, so I keep delaying my answer.

We have definetely worked through a lot and he has been very forthcoming with any and all information. Even now, 3 months later, if I have a question, he will answer it. He checks with me before he goes out with someone and tells me first, so it doesn't appear he is hiding any information about who he is with. He has also cut off all contact with the OW, as have I and I feel confident about that when he says so.

He is in counseling, at my request. I used to go, before all this, so I learned a lot of techniques and different things for coping, unrelated to this topic. Honestly, this board has been counseling to me. He doesn't really want to talk about the session, so I just let it go, knowing he is improving and he does go.

I know he has improved, and he has done everything in his power to assure me of this never happening again. He sincerely promises, which I am still taking with a grain of salt right now, but it is getting easier to believe him. I do believe him because I know his father did this to his mother very early in on their relationship, and they are still together. He has let himself down because he swore that it was something he would never do, so I know he understands what he did was wrong, and how much he hurt me. He is not in denial or being a jerk about anything, he is letting me take all the time I need to get myself sorted it. I couldn't imagine him being any better with his response to all this.

I guess I just needed outside assurance that it can get better, and it won't be this tough forever. Thanks so much everyone.

Caitlin