Would you go thru rebuilding again ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Would you go thru rebuilding again ?
9
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 9:33pm

I find myself coming back to this wonderful board to read, empathize, give advice if I think I have any, or to just communicate and ask

S
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:24am

devestatedstill -


>>"..there was no love, no willingness to end either of the marriages....So, I did not have to deal with my H loving this sl*t, I did not have to deal with him wanting to leave me for her..."


From reading that, i would say that i am in a similar situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 8:27am

We have some similarities to our stories. No, I couldn't have done anything different in the rebuilding.

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 4:35pm
It is not that I WANT to relieve the worst thing in my life....the nightmare obviously hasn't left me for 13 months now......I guess it is hard to put into words what I mean........I wish I could turn back time and as I MUST face what he did and what happened, I wish I could do it again, only to improve how we handled it, maybe differently.
Maybe I think this way to try and convince myself...
"well if I did THIS" then when he first confessed..... now, 13 months later...I would feel "LIKE THAT".....I would feel better, I wouldn't keep slipping into those horrible thoughts.......the visions, reliving the total disregard and disrespect for me....But, as he always says, this was not about me.this was his complete lack of character, his stooping so low to do what he did.....
I think I want to STILL talk things through, but DH thinks we are SO GOOD NOW, MADE SUCH GREAT PROGRESS, which we have, that we should just keep moving forward, which I agree with.....I guess I still want opportunities to bring up the same things over and over, and I know in my heart that is not always right. One of the things he so admires about me is how I have handled this entire mess....which he is so embarrassed about as well. I guess I am just having a bad few days and want to know how other "long timers in rebuilding" are doing.......I see where some are out 2,3,and 4 + years and it still is so bothersome.
I am like you as well G....I cannot look at him the same way ever again and I want to so much.
It kills me to know I feel like this and HE THINKS ALL IS SO FRIGGIN GOOD!
Maybe I need to go back on antidepressants again! But then I think I should thank God for all the good I do have.
Thanks for listening.
S
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 5:02pm
In answer to your initial question, no.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 5:17pm

But who could ever prepare us for what happened to us?

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 5:30pm

ILMW,

Do you ever worry that your wife might lie to you again? How do you deal w/that fear ? My H has never lied about anything other than his affairs and some issues involving sexual repression (which he has dealt w/successfully in therapy), but I worry and wonder is he going to lie about everything now? He was so good at it! He even fooled all the therapists. I will be having a session w/his therapist in a few weeks and this is my big question.

Do they lie in an affair b/c they're wrapped up in the fog? When they come out of it, do they feel guilty about their lying or does this lying now become a part of their personality forever? This is what I'm struggling with in rebuilding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 5:46pm

You know lizzie this is one of the issues that is so difficult for me. He was such a good liar when he was seeing

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 9:45pm

Lizzie, George, et al,


I think you hit one nail on the head............it is THE LYING!! Maybe THAT is what I wish I could change..........For me :



  • He lied by ommission for 5 years and I was CLUELESS..friggin clueless. We had a great marriage I thought. Great sex, as I never denied him anything, I usually went over and above for him..( just ask his mother!!)
  • He lied intensely for a week as I became suspicios of "something" and he daily told me "no, he did not have a girlfriend...I guess he really didn't as the A never amounted to anything, he never loved her.
  • He lied by ommission about smoking cigarettes- he hid them in his briefcase.
  • He "hid"playboy and even "womens underware ads" in his briefcase!!!! My husband NEVER acted like that...ever!
  • He lied AGAIN
S
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Sun, 04-26-2009 - 3:29pm

(Apologize to All