Would you trade?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Would you trade?
17
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:25pm

I caught the end of the movie "Love Actually" this weekend and of course the scene came up when Emma Thompson questions her husband (I think she confronted him on his affair)
"Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?" I cried hysterically after that one little part.

Someone(I forget who, my apologies..) on here once said that they would rather have back their worst day prior to their spouses A, to their best day present (rebuilding)or something to that effect.

I agree. I have a hard time getting past this constant hint of sadness I have everyday that I don't think will ever go away.

Does anyone disagree with this. If so, can you give any advice on how you deal/dealt with these feelings. I know I don't post much, but am on this board daily and all of you have really helped me get through these past 1+ years. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:48pm

I would have to agree. I would much rather have my worst day pre A then any day after. The blind faith and trust in feeling I could always count on my H is gone. I will forever know that nothing lasts forever! It makes me sad knowing I can never get back that feeling.

I have learned so much since d-day about myself and the fairy tail I had in my head of whar we were back then. I mourn the lose of that little girl who found her knight on his white horse. My mom said to me once "your knight is not lost he just fell of his horse"! I wish that were true. But everything that made him my knight is gone. It is truly said when your fairy tale life is taken from you with a blind sided slap in the head!

So I would take our worst day pre A anyday! At least then I still had my knight on his white horse to protect me.......

Yahoo! Avatars

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:41am

I honestly dont know the answer. Sure on my trigger days i would absolutely BUT we have a better marriage then we did ever and although I will NEVER thank or be grateful that he had an affair, I KNOW we could have done all this work to improve our marriage had he just left me out of frustrations. I know we could have improved with the help of counseling without his bull sh**. So I guess based on that my answer would be yes, I would trade my worse day prior and change my marriage THEN. then be forced to change due to the affair.

The more I think about my worse day would have to have been held up at knife point while I was 8 1/2 mo. pregnant. YES I WOULD GO BACK TO THAT DAY and trade my husband's affair.

But the feeling of sadness are fewer and further in between. I honestly don't feel sad in the days between the triggers. And I expect those days to get even further and further apart. I do admit the triggers are hell and they are so painful. Just yesterday I was cleaning my son's room and I found lots of pictures. I cried and cried because I hate looking at pictures. I still find it very painful. Does anyone else feel this way when looking at pictures?
Best wishes, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:37am

Would I rather have back my worst day prior to H's affair, or my best day now?

Without a doubt, my best day now.

It is coming up on 6 years since my d-day....oh my. We did not have one of those "best friends", "everyone says how great we are together" marriages to begin with. We married very young and never learned how to communicate or to actually be married once the thrill of the honeymoon was over. The longer we were married, the farther we grew apart. My husband could go weeks and months without uttering a sound to me when he was mad. Foolishly, there were days that I wished he would have an affair so I could get out of the marriage. (I have since learned to be careful with my wishes).

His affair was devasting because the only thing that I could count on was his fidelity. During the worst of times, I blindly trusted this commitment to me. After d-day, everything was gone.

For the first two years, there were many days I was sure I would die. The pain, anger, mistrust, humiliation, and the sadness seemed to have taken over my life. But during that time, we stayed together, we went to marriage counseling, and attended a Retrouvialle weekend. We worked very hard to rescue a marriage that was so important to both of us. It wasn't always easy, and there were times that I would have anwered your question in a different way, but not now.

This many years away from the affair, things are so much different. Our new-found communication and consideration for each other has transformed our marriage. We enjoy being together, we make plans, we have fun. Honestly, we have had long-time friends and relatives comment about the change in our marriage. When other people notice the difference, you know you have made great strides.

Today I am grateful. Not for the affair...that took so much out of me. But for my husband's commitment to make things right and to make our marriage a good, safe place to be.

I don't think you will always feel sadness. It's OK if you don't have that blind trust you once had. I think it was my mistake to have that blind trust to begin with. Give yourself some time and work together on your rebuilding. When you get farther away from d-day, I think you will change your answer.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:57am

Yes! looking at pictures is brutal for me sometimes. It seems like I categorize them to "this was taken before I found out" and "this was taken after I found out."

My screensaver is a picture slideshow so I go through this everyday. There's a couple of pictures on there that were taken the day before I found out and that was one of the best days I'd had in a long time. I'd even said hours before I found out about the A that I wished I could have days like that at least once a month. So, when those pictures come up..... Also, there's a picture of a place that dh & I & the kids went to last spring. They have a huge sign at the place that's visible from the highway and I took a picture of it when we were there. An "up close" picture. Well, turns out, you can see that huge sign from the spot where dh & OW met up. I HATE that pciture now and all of the pictures I took of our trip there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:04am

gal, why do you torture yourself with those pictures every day? You can take them out of your slide show. When you are in a better place to "confront" them, add them back in. Really, you don't need this constant reminder...give yourself a break.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:32am

Julie, I always find your posts so inspiring (which is exactly what we need more of here!). I hope that when H and I are 6 years out from this, we will be able to feel the same way that you and your H feel.

Thanks so much for your post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:16pm

Thank you all for your responses.
NLHBG, I hope our feelings WILL change in the future. It's sad that we have to go on not believing blind faith in the person who is supposed to love and protect you and your family. BTW, Congrats on the driving lessons w/H. Sounds like you are doing well!!

Tea, I've always related to a lot of your posts and feel our situations are similiar as far as the discovery, our H and our emotions post discovery, etc. And yes, looking at pictures hurts, among many things still. I tend to label a lot of things pre/post affair mentally.

Julie, thanks for your advice being out a few years in rebuilding. It gives me and others hope that things will get better. We both like our MC, but I'm a pretty impatient person and wish the results would be faster. I think that Retrouvaille weekend would be great for us. I'm going to look into that and talk with my H.

My worse day pre affair is when my father died. He was only 48, and a pretty tragic death. I still feel more pain from the my Hs betrayal. I told him I know the only thing that could hurt me more in my life is if something happened to my children. I truly mean that. While H knows that he hurt me, I don't think he'll ever truly understand how much.

Thanks again, you are all great and help me keep my sanity!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:17pm

I recently told my husband that I believe it would have been easier for me to deal with him walking away from the relationship, the "I don't love you anymore" than to live what I thought was a happy life to find out he had cheated on me.

Someone not loving you- I feel would be a heck of a lot easier, than I love you so much but I hurt you in the worst possible way. You can fix, "I don't love you". YOu can't fix the hurt from someone cheating. YOu learn to live and deal in you own way to make each day bearable, then live able, and I hope some day better.

Broken98

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:20pm

So well put!

I too wish my knight was back on his white horse in the happy ending fairy tail. Unfortunately when he fell off, he didn't realize it would leave me to slay the dragon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:43pm

Wow Julie, you give me a lot of hope for the future. Dh and I are about 9mo post D-Day. DH is really making bing changes and is trying hard. I am just having such a hard time getting past the intense emotions. You really give me hope that we might just come out of this ok in the end.

Can I ask what a Retrouvialle weekend is?





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