:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
:(
6
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:56pm

I think my BF and I just broke up. Half of me thinks it's the right thing...it's been rocky and hard (not sure if it's respective baggage or just a bad fit). I love him so much, but don't want to be the "but I love him" girl. But the other half of me just wants to "fix" it. If I only knew how.

4th of July is one of my favorite holidays, but I now have no plans (was supposed to be with him) and I just can't tell anyone. I feel alone and just awful. I've been crying and probably look like hell, so I can't go hang out with my friend in the city and pretend it's all just fine. But I can't admit we broke up.

I just don't know if I have the strength to go through another painful breakup. Need some hugs. Sandra, I know you will kick my butt...but I am just not feeling any girl power at the moment. I hate this.

Michelle

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Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:11pm

Hey Sweetpea,


Soon as

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:31pm

That's exactly it, I don't want to admit it. We've been so up and down...it got to the point that I stopped talking about it with friends because I knew it would turn around again and they would roll their eyes when it did.

I am having a very hard time with this. I know I survived it with the XH, but somehow this feels harder. With him, there was nothing I could do. He ended it and never looked back. With this one...I know he loves me and wishes we could fix it too, but we just don't know how and maybe that's what happens when people just aren't right for eachother no matter how they wish it were different. It's just not something I want to accept. I want him to comfort me and I'm being irrational about it. We are just making eachother crazy and at this point, I don't know if it is baggage or a bad fit. Some days are wonderful and some just suck. This time, I pushed and pushed...thinking at the time it was for the best (and maybe it is) and I do believe he IS done. I'm simultaneously relieved and deeply sad and at the same time I want to let go, I want to hold on. UGH.

Thank you...I feel like the emotions are just welling over and I'm rambling, as usual. I wish I were in FL...anywhere but here. But at the same time, a friend wants to head to the city and see the fireworks tonight and I just don't think my puffy eyes and wounded heart can stand to go out in the world. :( :( :(

Why does it have to be so hard with the one you WANT? UGH :(

Thank you again for your words. I am going to go read them again.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:27pm

Question:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:54pm

Yes, I KNOW it's smart to take a break. He asked for space. I knew I pushed him and at the time- I really didn't care. Yet, after two days of NC, of course I cared. I can't stand to be shut out. And I decided space needs to equal a break up and he didn't fight me. He may come around later. I'm just not sure I want him to. I am tired too. Yes, it has been so much work, it makes me wonder WHAT are we doing it for? How do you KNOW when enough is enough, when its not a matter of not having the tools, it's a matter of incompatibility no matter how much you WANT to be right for eachother.

And, yes, I have a problem letting people see me feeling so weak. My sister is going through a really rough time right now and during a semi-intervention with her last week (with my mom and other sister), I shared that I am going to therapy. You should have SEEN the look on their faces. ME??? Go to therapy. Ha. I didn't go when I got divorced. I didn't go through the two year rebuilding and rebound relationship afterward, I didn't go for almost a year after B got home. What finally made me go? I couldn't figure out how to make THIS relationship work. And I still have no idea how one hour a week with some lady who doesn't know me is going to fix what countless self help books, hours on message boards, and venting to friends hasn't. Bottom line: he and I are making eachother crazy. We are acting in ways we don't like and feeling miserable a lot of the time. It's SO hard and sad when we're apart (I know he hurts too), but it's so hard and up and down when we're together. I don't know anymore how to just BE. I question EVERYTHING. Yet, if I try not to, I wonder if Im in denial. I am scared of staying, scared of going. Don't know up from down anymore. If it's one thing I can't stand, it's feeling off balance, and yet I've felt it for most of this year since he's been home.

RATIONALLY, I know I will be ok no matter what..even if, at 30 years old, I have yet to figure this relationship stuff out, and may well be single and childless for the rest of my life (honestly, some days I don't know if I'd mind), but irrationally, I'm scared to let him go. I'm scared I will never, ever be the trusting, secure, settled person I once was. I miss the great times. I miss the feeling of being loved by a man. I miss his humor, I miss his energy, I miss his spontaneity. I wonder if my problem feeling special with him is a flaw in him, a flaw in me, or incompatibility. Maybe I'm just too needy. Yet, ironically, he insists I dont need him enough. Yet when I act like that insecure girl and want his attention, somehow THAT is when he pushes me away. It's just all so confusing. We are baffled as to why we keep hurting eachother. We have talks, we come to understandings, he changes things, I change things...and we STILL continue the cycle. HOW can you love eachother and make eachother feel like such crap?

Logic would say if you aren't happy, you move on. Hence, the half of me that thinks it's for the best. But being the former social worker, Psychology Major, teacher that I am...I WANT to be able to diagnose, fix, help....I want to believe it's possible. And I don't, DO NOT want to be a failure again. And even if I agree it's the best thing to part ways...in the pit of my stomach, I feel abandoned and rejected and left all over again. I HATE being insecure and feeling pathetic like this and asking him for validation I shouldn't need. I KNOW I have things going for me, blah blah...but I just don't FEEL good about where my life is and I don't know how to get there. I feel like in some ways it's just been a downward spiral since the divorce. Yes, there are many good things in my life, but that sense of security, of KNOWING I was safe and loved and had some idea about my future....I really miss that. Even if I don't miss my XH anymore. And I wonder, with great sadness, if I will EVER feel it again or it will always just be like THIS. Questioning, wondering, analyzing, fears. I'm forking over the cash to see the therapist...but I don't know what she can tell me that I don't already know that will help me stop FEELING like this.

Thank you for listening...really. I just don't know how to let it all go and be able to BE happy for an extended period of time. Obviously, it lies within, but knowing all that I know, I still don't FEEL it.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:00pm

Since when have you ever known me to say anything remotely that sounds like something anyone else would say?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:31pm

Sandra,

Thank you, as always, for your words of wisdom today. I needed them immensely and I'm so glad you were here.

And can I say, I LOVE the title of that book?? WHAT?!?! I don't HAVE to "work" on it? Thank god. Maybe there is an answer. I will check it out. Actually, I like all of them. I want to be so irresistible, I can't help but date myself. Haha.

I know in the deepest part of me that SOMEDAY I will be able to do this right with Mr. Right. Whenever, and whoever that will be. Maybe this one is dead, maybe not. Maybe it should be, maybe not. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I have to adjust my attitude. Make peace with ME. I know I have work to do on myself that has nothing to do with B. My self-esteem took a hit, as well as my beliefs about myself and my future. B says I play the "victim". I don't want to be a victim, and it pisses me off that he says that, but it probably hits a nerve because he is right. I want to be strong, I want to KNOW my own mind and heart again without so many damn questions.

My therapist said I need to get in touch with my fears to heal the wounds from my past (divorce rejection/abandonment) to move forward. She suggested these therapies involving touch and eye movement while I share the painful past experiences. I have to admit, part of me REALLY balked at that. Um, I don't WANT to relive it, and I'm not even sure THAT is the problem and how the heck is moving my eyes gonna make me FEEL ok today? Or is that just typical me questioning everything?

I know I have wounds, but other people learn to live with them, don't they? When I told her my concerns, she said we could focus on communication skills within my relationship and we can deal with that other stuff as we progress. Perhaps now that he's NOT communicating with me, I should see where she thinks the focus should be. Or do you think therapy is just an exercise in focusing MORE when I'm the type who needs to focus LESS? I've wondered about that too. Hmm....Uh oh...I'm overthinking again, aren't I? Would you believe that with my XH, I almost never questioned ANYTHING about feelings/thoughts or how I SHOULD do this or that? God, I miss the peace in that. How do you do it???

I guess I need to accept that we are all works in progress. B is not perfect and he hurt me, yes, but I am not perfect either and I hurt him too. If we can't figure out how not to hurt eachother, I guess it is best that we take time away. Maybe that time will help. Like in your post where you talked about how tough things were with the drummer (and yes, I DO remember) when you noted that you felt you'd learned so much and grown so much that SURELY this one would work...that's what I thought here. Perhaps B is right (even if he was in denial) when he said he hoped that after time away, maybe someday we would both be in a better place and could come together again.

Oh, how I wish it were all easier. If we could just love them and they could just stay and we could just live happily ever after. Maybe someday.

Thank you again for making me laugh. I am going to wipe away the tears and DO something with the rest of my day. I still have a week and half of vacation and I shouldn't waste it thinking too much. But you'll be seeing me, I'm sure I'll need some more words of wisdom. So don't go away.

By the way, Happy Independence Day (ha! I guess it really IS this year, huh???). Any special plans??? And BTW, it's good to hear/read that you and drummer are doing so great in your friendship...maybe your time will come too. Then again, maybe you're just too darn fabulous for any ONE man. :)

Michelle