1 Week NC - no text, no phone, no email

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
1 Week NC - no text, no phone, no email
4
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:13am

I guess i'm feeling rather okay about not having spoken or texted or emailed him for a week. The only bad thing about the whole situation, is that his friends and family and bandmates still talk to me - well not too bad, I do love them so and vice versa but you know, NC should maybe include everyone connected to him. And also, because of what he does, he's all over the place. In magazines, on the web, on tv...etc. (not too famous but making his way up there). This is the bad part about things I guess at this point. How do you deal with this? Do you tell everyone to stop contacting you or do you continue? It doesn't pain me to hear from these people yet could it interfere with things?

I believe that eventually we will be able to become friends, just not right now while my feelings for him are as strong as they are. I don't want this. True he betrayed my trust and hurt me but I feel different about this one - I don't feel hatred, slight anger from time to time, but no hate. I think I'm at peace with it all finally. Maybe a whatever will be will be? He was honest, even though hearing his honesty honestly sucked but...I'm okay. I appeciate honesty.

I've been babbling on this board for awhile, it helps with the NC. Helps me get some things out as well. & makes me feel better that there are others in my situation I know who will help me get past this.

We didn't officially break up until two Wendsdays ago when I declared I couldn't take the drama and decided that it wasn't worth it. He wanted to either "take a break" or go from gf/bf back to just dating. For about 3-4 weeks we've been toying around with different scenerios I guess, or maybe just working ourselves up to the final huzzar and now that it's happened...I'm quite okay with it.

Love this man and will for ever. Not so sure I'll continue being in love with him though. He kind of ruined that. So friendship. I can deal with that and wouldn't mind it eventually. I'm not talking today, tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year. I might not even be talking about hanging out maybe just emailing occasionally or talking on the phone occassionally. I can honestly say that eventually we can morp into this. I'm friends with a few of my other exes, but it happened when the feelings subsided which happened in an instant with a few. Maybe we weren't really in love. This one...I love, so right now...nc is the rule.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:25am

monortsa...


It's too bad you feel that you have to SHUT OUT EVERYBODY just because this "turkey" didn't bother getting back to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:37am

Okay, I've got a question for you.......if you simply receive whatever attention and interaction these friends and family of his give you and respnod appropriately to it in situational context.......is it going to upset you when he finds osmeone else, takes her home, they stop talking with you as frequently or perhaps at all - because "he" wants it that way?

I mean, all these people want 'rid' of his irresponsible, lazy, immature problems and issues in thier lives. they don't mind interaction with him for fun....but they greatly want to avoid more negative impact because of "how he is".

But they continue to affiliate and interact......so at the point where he says to them "quit talking to her, quit acknowledging her, my new squeeze does't like it and I can't get everything I want out of her if this continues"........are you going to be upset? And is this continued contact with them going to interfere with you moving on with your life.

See, ehre's the thing.......days, weeks, or months before he said "let's go back to dating" - which you refused to do vs. hold a title........he wanted to go back to dating. He weighed the pros and cons for him about what he wanted in life, what his options were in life...he looked at his situation overall with you and said "this is good, but is there better out there for me."

He determined there is....and so he broke up. When you heard about this...you were thinking (If I remember your story correctly) - I'm paying his bills, living with him on his terms, with this dysfunctional 3rd party involved......and his attachment to her I am accepting of it......so what about this "doesn't suit him" - it's on his terms and for his needs.

He didn't see your relationship as being "enough" to meet his needs, demands, expectations, and upgrade his life per your efforts per HIS standards.....so he ended it.

When he ended it - he was eotionally detached from you to whatever limited extent he was to begin wtih.........and was ready to move on and find osmeone else (didn't he immediately begin something with someone in Texas?)..........you were shocked, appalled, and upset......this was the first inkling that everything that you two had discussed about moving away from this dysfunctional 3rd party was not going to happen....you'd been in the "I'll tolerate and endure becuase there is a finish to all this nonsense"...and he showed you there is indeed a finish line - but not the one you thought.

So the period of no contact isn't a solution...it's simply giving you the time to "sprint back into your successful individuality" - the way that he used a slowly increased pace - to move away from your "couplehood".

If having contact and affiliation isn't going to impact you becoming complete, secure, relocated, moving on, establishing goals - etc. it'll be because these people you do admire, respect, and accept for the individuals they are - based on the values and principles they hold and live up to at all times.

Otherwise, ask yourself why you're hanging out with the loseres that taught him to be like this, encourge and tolerate it - because they're nlike this and they understand the dynamic.

ask yourself the same question he asked himself when considering "should i stay or should I go" regarding your relationship. "Is being with her going to get me what I want and need and expect in life?" His answer was no - so he moved on.

Ask yourself "Is being involved with and integrated with them going to get me where I want to be and require of myself in life?" If your answer is no - cease to respond to their cntact when they contact you.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:19am

Hey there everyone!!!! I really really feel good about this board!!!Its really really helped me to cope with the break up of my 5 year rlshp!!! It happened almost 3 weeks ago and I asked him to respect the NC rule!!! He sent me some text messages, but I never replied. I do not hate him at all, but I do not want him to disturb the healing process that I am going thru!!!!
We are gonna be fine, believe me!!!!!

GOODLUCK!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 4:39pm

well luckily i didn't pay for his bills - we each paid our own, so I wasn't taking care of him, but you have a point.

his family and friends do like me and probably would love to keep me in their lives (as well as his) but I don't need to be there. we share some of the same friends/aquaintances because of the music and I'd like not to give them up, and I don't see why I should however, I thought about it and just sent his mother an email expressing my concern over our contact. their family actually is one of the unusual ones where exes are included (last thanksgiving it was her, her ex husband, his ex wife, her new husband and my ex's biological father not to mention others in the family) - but it's I assuming on the terms of the breakup and how the other side took/takes it.

I'm taking it okay, though at the moment I do realize there are a lot of things that I don't like or didn't like - how it was done for instance even though I was the one who actually did it (he was the one who initiated and forced my hand).

So there you have it.

It's unfortunate though you know? I know people have lasted longer and have broken apart and I know that people do remain friends, but the feelings have to subside. What's unfortunate is the way that we met, 12 years ago - and remet 2 years ago - slight kismet. but I know that he didn't feel like working on keeping things together, if he had...we would still be together. he feels that even though our relationship had no "true" problems that the little ones he imaged we did, instead of talking about them to me, he chose to just move on. his choice - my decision. (he wanted to still date me just not be bf/gf or if i wasn't comfortable with that, then friends - i chose neither though at times still considering leaving the door of friendship open - on my terms).

It's been about a week and a few days. I actually sent a text last night, nothing special - but basically just told him that it's too bad things couldn't have been handled in a different more respectful way. Wished him well on his road to ? and to be safe and try not to hurt too many (or get hurt by too many) on this path. It basically was a goodbye. And I'm done.

sigh.