1 week--Need some encouragement
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:04pm |
This man I was seeing told me about a week ago he wanted us to "pull back" to "be friends." We'd seen each other since 3/17 and he was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend.
About 3 weeks before the breakup he started acting strange--distant and less caring. I asked him about it. It turns out that he'd only broken up with his ex for 1 month before we met. I suggested that perhaps our relationship was adding to the stress of his break-up. He said there wasn't a wrong or right time--he just needed to get it together.
Another week passed and when we met, he was even more distant. After a concert, he did not offer to drive me home or even drop me off at a closer train station (which was on his way) so I felt I had to call him out on that the next time he called. I said that maybe it was too soon for him to be in a relationship--I said he wasn't "present." He admitted to getting increasingly angry over his last relationship in the past several weeks; he admitted to being and getting more depressed. I told him I liked him very much but I did not want to be "rebound girl"--which I probably ended up being anyway. He said he was worried that he was projecting negative ideas and feelings onto me. I said maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. He said we had so much fun, we should give a stab at being friends. I said in no way could we have sex as friends because I liked him too much and he agreed that it would be confusing to him as well. He said he needed some time and would give me a ring when it was time to test out our friendship. I really resent this last statement. After he said that, he said, "Goodbye, ." Why so final if he really wants to be friends?!
I genuinely like this guy--but not in his depressed selfish/mean mode. I really think we could have worked had the timing been right, which makes it so hard to move on. I've been in a few relationships, and I've never had such a positive feeling for a person before. When I met him, it was as if "I knew." I know I've got to move on, but could somebody out there offer me some words of encouragement so I don't end up stalking the guy?
He loves music and going to concerts so I sent him a copy of last week's Time Out New York that listed all the concerts for this summer. My note said, "Hello--didn't want you to miss out on any great shows this summer!" My friend, a shrink, said that it was ok for me to do that but nothing beyond that.
Other than support--could somebody tell me why it would be a terrible mistake for me to call him in a month or two to see how things are going? I need some reasons so I can stop being so obsessed!
Many thanks,
S.
P.S. The ex did a real number on him. She cheated on him a year ago and he forgave her but he finally had to break up with her because he discovered she'd been hiding some "bad habits" all this time--"bad habits" that "caused" her to cheat on him the first time. Since his last relationship was painful, I feel like I should keep far, far away. Any comments on that? Oh, yeah, did I mention how much I liked him....

I think it's awesome you had the presence and the self-confidence to say all you did to him about him needing time to get over his broken relationship and you needing him to get over it before you can actually have one with him.
The main reason not to call him is that you need to move on, and keeping in contact (even sporadically) keeps you from doing so.
This guy isn't healthy at the moment. He may *get* healthy, or he may not. Let him go completely--if it's meant to be, he'll call when he's ready to be in a healthy relationship with you. But that's completely out of your control.
Timing is a huge part of two people being right for each other, or not.
Sheri
"I really think we could have worked had the timing been right" but the timing WASN'T right. If you allow yourself to be a doormat to his "negative feelings and ideas", not only will you be hurt, he won't respect you either. You are in no way responsible for the number his ex did on him, nor is it your place to make it up to him. It is my personal experience that when someone is still that angry at their ex, the relationship isn't completely over. It is entirely possible that he will get back with her; it's happened before.
I get that you really like him, but now is not the right time for the two of you. I suggest that you get far, far away from him. If you call him in a month or so, you will give him the impression that you have been in a holding pattern for a month waiting for him. Even if that were true, it would be a very bad message to send. Get on with your life, and give him the opportunity to miss YOU. If and when he does call, don't jump too quickly until you determine what his intentions are. Sometimes guys think "being friends" means that you are available for the occasional booty call. If you want a real relationship with the guy, that is something you CANNOT allow.
I'm not talking about following any "rules", I'm just saying that if you chase this guy after he's blown you off, you will not be in a position to be in a relationship based on mutual respect. Love is not for wusses, my girl. If you are going to get what you need from a relationship, you've got to be tough; especially in the beginning when the boundaries are being set.
Good luck.