10 days -- bad day
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| Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:37pm |
It's been 10 days since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. In short, he loves me, but is unsure of the future and committing. It was a hard, unexpected break up. We're both hurting and its no one's fault, he just doesn't feel right about it.
I am completely broken and 10 days in and still feels so terrible. I miss him so much that I ache, I physically hurt. I cry every day, I am so very exhausted and I feel so defeated, empty. We have not spoken. I left that up to him, we agreed it's too raw and too hard to do so now.
Today is hard for a lot of reasons. I have not seen him in 8 days, when I picked up my things from his house, and we said goodbye, both crying. I can still immediately picture his face, his mannerisms, I can anticipate his movements and words. I lie in bed and I swear it feels like he is next to me at times, because I felt that for two years and I shake and hurt from not having him next to me. I want it so much.
Today we had plans for a golf tournament his friends started two years ago. He's there now, with 50 of our friends, and his family. At the tournament I've been at for the past two years, since its existence. I'm supposed to be playing on his mom's team right now, I had my outfit picked out, a refresher lesson lined up beforehand. Right now he is playing, and soon will come cocktails and dinner and the enjoyment and fun of the fake awards ceremony. He's there. Our friends are around him, some just finding out today, I am sure, that we are not together. Others knowing I am missing, knowing I am not there, friends who've sat with me crying this week. How many times has he thought of me today?Between the jokes with friends, the fun, the excitement of the game and being in a group of people you love and who love you? How many times has he thought of me or wondered how I am? Because yes, I am trying to stay busy, and yes, I have plans to see a friend tonight and another tomorrow, because if I don't then I walk in circles and cry. But I still feel so horrible and dead inside. Does he know that? Does he know that I am sick every day and can't sleep? Does he know that I cry until I can't cry anymore, and then I cry again? I would give anything to be there with everyone, be by his side. And he gets it. He gets that part that was my life, too. Our plans, our trips, our vacation. He gets to have it. And I feel so forgotten and brushed aside.
I can't do this. And I can't shake how I feel. I feel like I never will.

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I am so sorry for you because I know how this feels. I have no idea how I have gotten through 10 days. I know that I am nauseas when I try to eat and I have no appetite and have lost weight. I know that I cannot sleep at night and I wake up all night long in cold sweats, my mind is always racing. I know that I am like a zombie and have no energy, no interests, am unfeeling, uncaring and just in a complete fog.
I think about this and why it happened all of the time. He's an incredible person, we had the most wonderful, easy, enviable relationship. He's just unsure of the future and afraid, and it paralyzes him so much and makes him so anxious that he can't handle this. To see this man, who I adore, cry over this, I know he loves me and I know this was a hard decision. He is veruy private and keeps his feelings close. But I got in, I got in to him. Two years -- the most enjoyable, incredible time. I know him better than anyone, inside and out, and I love him more than anyone. I will probably love him better than anyone could ever love him. And he can't do this, he's in pain. I get it, but I don't. It takes more than just love to maintain a relationship, and I get it if he cannot do it at this point in his life -- if work and committments and those goals are first, and he is so 100% or nothing that he knows he cannot commit more time and effort to love. I understand it. But I also don't. It is so horrible to feel so disposable.
Hi Erin and welcome to the board,
Grief is a powerful emotion.
This has become a bad day, as well. I am frustrated at a project at work and can't deal with it on top of everything else I am thinking about. And I can't even call him to vent, or get advice, as I normally would.
I get it, but I don't. I understand things happen and people break up, but I also don't. Love isn't all it takes to have a life with someone. Love isn't good enough for some people.
I just want to see him. I hurt so much not being able to have that comfort when I need it. I just want to crawl into his lap and collapse into him, be enveloped by him. I know that I'm strong and independent and I do not need a man to make me feel happy. But I do not feel anything but weak and tossed aside right now. And all I want is him. All I want is to be with him.
I totally get you. Today, I went into his e-mail, and found that he wrote that among his interest of playing poker and football "picking up girls" is something that he enjoys most in life. I know him well enough to know that that it not true, he is so shy, I had to approach him. However, I feel like I am clinging on to the void in my life while he is shedding himself of it. I think he wanted to write about me in that e-mail, and now that I am not something he enjoys, he had to fill that with something new and exciting.
I am trying to get through a final paper that's due tomorrow, but that's just not happening. He works right down the street from me and last night I had to pass and see his car and know he was not waiting for me stop in to give him a kiss or say hi. And today I have to do the same all over again.
I used to think I didn't need a guy to make me happy, but he is all that I want. I think that he is moving forward and I am left to suffer. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all.
I got some sad news about my family today, and rather than being sad for the reason I was sad because I couldn't call him.
As much as I don't want to anymore, I love him with all of my heart. And everyone is telling me to just give me his space, well, I don't want to. I always knew exactly what he was thinking, and I just want to talk to him, find out what's going through his head, and make it all better like I used to.
Why can't things just be normal again?
I'm sorry
Thanks, Erica, and everyone for posting your replies.
My friends say to think of me and put me first, to do what feels right and not to worry about him, not to think about him. But I am not sure what to do for myself, other than talk to people and keep as busy as possible. And I do worry about him.
Our breakup was sad and hard for us both, but it wasn't dramatic, mean or blameful. He didn't do anything wrong, no one cheated, no one lied. There isn't a reason, it seems, to be mad or bitter. And because I have so much love and admiration for him, and I can understand and respect him not being able to do this with me, I am having a hard time NOT thinking and worrying about him. It seems so much harder to move away from this when I'm not angry or resentful, because the relationship did not end for a "good" reason (arguing, fatal flaws, cheating, etc.). It's just over. And I'm just sad. It's so hard to move away from it and not think of him, because I can only think of him fondly right now.
I miss him so much. It sounds so weak, but I just do. I feel defeated and just so, so sad.
Ok- I'm
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