10 days -- bad day
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| Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:37pm |
It's been 10 days since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. In short, he loves me, but is unsure of the future and committing. It was a hard, unexpected break up. We're both hurting and its no one's fault, he just doesn't feel right about it.
I am completely broken and 10 days in and still feels so terrible. I miss him so much that I ache, I physically hurt. I cry every day, I am so very exhausted and I feel so defeated, empty. We have not spoken. I left that up to him, we agreed it's too raw and too hard to do so now.
Today is hard for a lot of reasons. I have not seen him in 8 days, when I picked up my things from his house, and we said goodbye, both crying. I can still immediately picture his face, his mannerisms, I can anticipate his movements and words. I lie in bed and I swear it feels like he is next to me at times, because I felt that for two years and I shake and hurt from not having him next to me. I want it so much.
Today we had plans for a golf tournament his friends started two years ago. He's there now, with 50 of our friends, and his family. At the tournament I've been at for the past two years, since its existence. I'm supposed to be playing on his mom's team right now, I had my outfit picked out, a refresher lesson lined up beforehand. Right now he is playing, and soon will come cocktails and dinner and the enjoyment and fun of the fake awards ceremony. He's there. Our friends are around him, some just finding out today, I am sure, that we are not together. Others knowing I am missing, knowing I am not there, friends who've sat with me crying this week. How many times has he thought of me today?Between the jokes with friends, the fun, the excitement of the game and being in a group of people you love and who love you? How many times has he thought of me or wondered how I am? Because yes, I am trying to stay busy, and yes, I have plans to see a friend tonight and another tomorrow, because if I don't then I walk in circles and cry. But I still feel so horrible and dead inside. Does he know that? Does he know that I am sick every day and can't sleep? Does he know that I cry until I can't cry anymore, and then I cry again? I would give anything to be there with everyone, be by his side. And he gets it. He gets that part that was my life, too. Our plans, our trips, our vacation. He gets to have it. And I feel so forgotten and brushed aside.
I can't do this. And I can't shake how I feel. I feel like I never will.

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I appreciate your reply. It does help to get third party advice, which is why this board has been helpful. I know that the issues here are his and it's not me. I know that I can think through his issues all I can, but unless he does it won't change how he is.
But now I wonder if it's really these supposed issues behind it all. Last week, in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I was so incredibly low and sad, but I was able to wrap my ahead around it that it was him and his work coming first, fear of committment, unsuredness.
But while I get that committment issues and work issues can make someone not make a relationship work, when they prioritize before love, now I wonder if it was truly just me. That saying he works too much and values work before love and can't commit is to easy an answer -- it may be true, but what if just in part?
What about love and that intensity? Did he love me enough? Part of me feels like if he loved me, anyone, enough he would find a way to make it work. Whether or not he has issues or not, that love would be enough. I know that love isn't all it takes for something to work, and I am not trying to put myself down, but maybe I have this totally wrong. Maybe it's not work or committing, maybe it's me.
Edited 5/3/2007 8:49 am ET by erin94402
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