15 days no contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
15 days no contact
4
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 6:17pm

hi everyone...i wrote a few weeks ago about my boyfriend and i breaking up. the last fight we had was awful. after lies and disappointments i had had enough. i lost my temper and told him i hated him and never wanted to see or talk to him ever again, and that i thought he was evil. then i hung up on him. normally, throughout our four year relationship, i would typically call back and apologize. if not that night, certainly the next day. but i haven't...it's been fifteen days. i feel so guilty and regretful about the way the fight ended, but at the same time, he has continually lied and disappointmented me so much in the past few weeks i meant it at the time. now we are separate. i left the area where we live and he moved in with his buddies. we live on an island and i'm sure he's noticed that i'm not there anymore - i had told him i was planning on seeing a man that had been in my life a few years back (during our breakup) and he got mad. i actually am with this new man now. but i keep thinking of my ex.  our breakup turned so ugly. i guess what i want to know is if you think he even misses me now. do you think he is thinking of me? we've never gone 15 days of no contact in four years - but i feel that he needs to call me first. so much of our relationship is me chasing him and fighting to keep our love. he lets it go. he is very passive and passive aggressive. how do guys typically deal with no contact? i've read that it doesn't even really hit them until at least a month. like right now he is probably mad and relieved not to have me -maybe he doesn't even miss me at this point. maybe he thinks i'm going to come back. what do you think? how long does it take men usually to call? or do you think that what i said was the worst and it is over forever. i can't call him - even though it's killing me inside. i have more work to do on myself. my new guy i'm with is a great friend. he is just helping me heal. if my ex hears i am off the island, i know he will be mad that i may be with this guy. but he is the one who ultimately ended things so shouldn't i let that go? what do you think? what do you think he is thinking? he may not even notice i'm off island, he may just think i'm not calling. i have no idea.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 7:46pm

ffechter wrote:
<p>hi everyone...i wrote a few weeks ago about my boyfriend and i breaking up. the last fight we had was awful. after lies and disappointments i had had enough. i lost my temper and told him i hated him and never wanted to see or talk to him ever again, and that i thought he was evil. then i hung up on him. normally, throughout our four year relationship, i would typically call back and apologize. if not that night, certainly the next day. but i haven't...it's been fifteen days. i feel so guilty and regretful about the way the fight ended, but at the same time, he has continually lied and disappointmented me so much in the past few weeks i meant it at the time. now we are separate. i left the area where we live and he moved in with his buddies. we live on an island and i'm sure he's noticed that i'm not there anymore - i had told him i was planning on seeing a man that had been in my life a few years back (during our breakup) and he got mad. i actually am with this new man now. but i keep thinking of my ex.  our breakup turned so ugly. i guess what i want to know is if you think he even misses me now. do you think he is thinking of me? we've never gone 15 days of no contact in four years - but i feel that he needs to call me first. so much of our relationship is me chasing him and fighting to keep our love. he lets it go. he is very passive and passive aggressive. how do guys typically deal with no contact? i've read that it doesn't even really hit them until at least a month. like right now he is probably mad and relieved not to have me -maybe he doesn't even miss me at this point. maybe he thinks i'm going to come back. what do you think? how long does it take men usually to call? or do you think that what i said was the worst and it is over forever. i can't call him - even though it's killing me inside. i have more work to do on myself. my new guy i'm with is a great friend. he is just helping me heal. if my ex hears i am off the island, i know he will be mad that i may be with this guy. but he is the one who ultimately ended things so shouldn't i let that go? what do you think? what do you think he is thinking? he may not even notice i'm off island, he may just think i'm not calling. i have no idea.</p>

The first thing I have to say is stop playing games with these men. 

If you want your ex, then break up with the new guy and go be with your ex.  Wishing for your ex to call is you investing time and emotion and energy in his direction and not in the direction of the new guy and that's not cool.  It doesn't matter if your ex misses you, unless you want to get back with him and keep on riding that merry-go-round. If that's what you want to do, then break up with the new guy and go be with him.

It doesn't matter what any of us think your ex is thinking. We're not your ex, so we can't say what he is or isn't thinking. If you want your relationship with the new guy, then let go of your need for the ex to call.  Leave him where he is and move on.  It's not fair to the new guy that you are doing this behind his back.  It wouldn't be fair if he was doing what you're doing to him to you and you would be beyond hurt if you found out he was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 10:54pm

my new friend is just that, a friend. he knows i just got out of a four year relationship - he knows that i am vulnerable. he knows that there are feelings left there. what is going on is more in a space of friendship. i'm only off the island for a month and he knows that. he offered me his home to heal and try to move on. i want to move on - but i just seem unable to. i am haunted by thoughts of my ex and obsessing over whether he is thinking of me or not. i am not doing anything behind my new friend's back. he knows everything. and i haven't contacted the ex since i've left the island. we haven't spoken in 15 days. all i really want to know is your opinion of no contact and if that helps. i don't want to call my ex and start the merry go round again. i want my ex to call me and appreciate me for once. i spent four years fighting for us and giving and trying and he spent four years taking and taking and taking. i guess i just need some validation that i meant something, that he still loves me. like he's had an epiphany since i left that i matter. just hard to swallow that i gave this man everything for four years and it just ended so cold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 11:09am

OK, so you had a 4 yr relationship that's filled w/ lies & disappointments, with you giving & your ex taking--yet you want him to call & tell you that he misses you--why?  so you can go back for more years of a bad relationship?  I seriously doubt that your ex is going to call you at all.  If he was the uncaring type of person, he's probably still uncaring and since you were in that dynamic of you always being the one to call him, he is probably figuring that eventually you'll do just that & he won't have to do anything and you'll come running back like before.  Yes it's hurtful to think that  you might not matter to your ex--but I think the best way to get over him is to assume that you will continue to have no contact and do your best to try to get over him.  I was divorced after a 13 yr marriage which was not my wish, but the day that my ex moved out, I knew he would never come back, and it was painful, but no use hoping that he was going to come back--that only would have prolonged the pain.  Oh and a lot of men deal with breakups by going out and finding a new woman immediately--it's not healthy but it's their way of trying not to deal with the cause of the breakup.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 12:05pm

ffechter wrote:
<p> my new friend is just that, a friend. he knows i just got out of a four year relationship - he knows that i am vulnerable. he knows that there are feelings left there. what is going on is more in a space of friendship. i'm only off the island for a month and he knows that. he offered me his home to heal and try to move on. i want to move on - but i just seem unable to. i am haunted by thoughts of my ex and obsessing over whether he is thinking of me or not. i am not doing anything behind my new friend's back. he knows everything. and i haven't contacted the ex since i've left the island. we haven't spoken in 15 days. all i really want to know is your opinion of no contact and if that helps. i don't want to call my ex and start the merry go round again. i want my ex to call me and appreciate me for once. i spent four years fighting for us and giving and trying and he spent four years taking and taking and taking. i guess i just need some validation that i meant something, that he still loves me. like he's had an epiphany since i left that i matter. just hard to swallow that i gave this man everything for four years and it just ended so cold.</p>

Your ex calling you would indeed start the merry-go-round up--it would be "talking and taking and taking" all over again and I would think that by now, you'd had enough of that.  If he called you, most likely it's because he's horny and you're convenient and familiar.. and most likely willing if he said the right combination of words, which is pretty much what you said above.

I think that the 2 weeks you've been away from him should tell you loud and clear that your ex doesn't appreciate you enough to call let alone get off his rump, get in the car, drive to the ferry and come see you, so drop him off at the mall and keep going.  He has had no epiphany and most likely, he ain't going to have one; he's not forthcoming with validations; who he has been the past 4 years is who he is and no amount of wishing, "fighting for us" or anything else changes that. All he's got is talk, so why would you want more talk with no action to back it up?  Talk changes nothing: actions do.

Move forward.