1wk after brkup LONG post pls help me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
1wk after brkup LONG post pls help me?
14
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:00am

It keeps getting easier right?

It feels easier one minute and then the next it is torture. I feel so alone right now. I really gave my all in this relationship, too much actually. I didn't realize how much I started changing to try and make someone happy whose happiness was not my responsiblity.

I find myself contemplating life and what is meant to happen for me. I have very little appetite and have probably lost at least 3 lbs this past week.

I am going out this wknd and trying to move on with my life. But right now, I don't feel like doing much of ANYTHING. I made it through work and told everyone about the breakup so they wouldn't ask me how HE was doing. (He was in my world so everyone at my job had met him).

I posted elsewhere he still hasn't dropped off my stuff at my friend's house. I am not trying to read into it, not thinking he isn't doing so b/c deep down he really doesn't want this, I think he is just being inconsiderate and will just do it whenever he damn well feels like it. I wish he would just go ahead and do it so this will all be done. That's all that's left to be done at this point.

My counselor thinks that he is just trying to sort through a lot right now and it has nothing to do with me. She thinks if I want to, I shouldn't totally close the door. But, I have to think about me in all of this and not allow someone else's issues affect me when he doesn't want me to be there for him.

The no contact rule was not in effect at all this wk. I had sent him a txt msg that I assumed he had cancelled me on his gym membership so he needed to redirect a charge for something else on my acct back to his own acct. He called to talk to me about what I was going to do RE: a membership and small chitchat and I told him "That's really no longer of any concern to you is it?" His reply was , yea I guess.

It's like either he is in denial that it's really over (though it was his idea to take a break) or he just isn't concerned about getting his house key, spare truck key and other belongings back.

I just don't know.

This is only the 2nd long term relationship I have had and this break up is different b/c the person is actually still in the same city as me (about 30 min away).

At this time, I feel a turning point of no longer hoping it works out. I haven't even had the thought in my mind that "But I love him so much". I just want to get over this and figure out how to get my life back on track, be happy, and find someone to love who will love me and not put me through this.

One thing I have def learned in this break up is that I will never again make someone my world, it isn't healthy to do, even when things are going well. I never thought I'd find myself in a place in life at 31 years old where I have very few friends/life outside of what I had with him. Part of it has to do with how I work so much (a min of 50 hrs a week). I was on the track that my life was with this person and the spare time I had, I wanted to spend it with him and continuing to grow our relationship.

I feel foolish and would be upset with my friends if they were ever like this in a relationship.

This has been such a wake up call. I so desperately need to clean out my closet, straighten up my apartment. TAKE MY CHRISTMAS TREE TO THE TRASH and get to the gym to get back to the person I was when he met me, but I just can't seem to do it right now. All I seem to be able to do is reflect, ponder, and surf the Internet. I have been on myspace seeing if there are any quality guys on there. None that seem to have what he had nor what I would want in my life.

What is it going to take for me to get it together?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:19pm
Everyone heals different. Everyone moves on a different pace, and whats right for one person wont be right for another. Just stay strong, and keep surrounding yourself with great things. The friends you have left, things you enjoy to do. Maybe there are some unresolved hobbies that you had put aside when you were with him, now would be the best time to learn about you. Dont worry about what hes thinking, what hes doing. Consentrate on you. You are a great person. You are better than great. And the sooner you realize that the sooner you can move on. But never forget that there are people who love you very much, and people who will always be there to lsiten when you have those not so good days. But it does get better, and easier, and in time it hurts less as you slowly heal the wound. But if you need time, take your time. Never try adn rush past something that deserves your time. But know, that you ARE strong, you ARE great, you are NOT alone, and there are people out there who love you very much. And know that you can post whenever you like, as often as you need to, there will always be someone to give you advice to you, to talk to you. Or to just listen while you figure things out. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 2:28pm
This is going to sound bad and I will probably get grief, but what truly helped me when my bf and i broke up was starting a new and more casual relatioship that I am holding the cards in. My new guy is very satisfying and we have fun. With a broekn heart it is easy to not become attached
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 2:43pm
I agree, and I am actually doing the same thing right now, but it itsnt for all people. Some people carish what they had to much to just forget about it and through it away, even if its already gone. Some people need time to heal, while others may be able to move on to a more casual thing. Whatever works for you, works for you. And if it makes you happy, and gets you to move on faster, all the more power to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:18pm

Thanks for your responses.

I am definitely not completely closed off. In fact, I have been trying to get in touch with a guy I used to see before my ex and I were in full swing but his phone is out of svc :) How is that for karma, etc.?

I know I'm not ready for something full swing but a distraction would be nice and this guys is quite an eyeful of distraction :)

I remember the day I met my ex I was on the treadmill running my A$$ off pissed off about something and it just took off from there.

He really pursued me and it took awhile before I was completely sold on him.

But when I was, boy was I.

At any rate, thanks for the advice and I always welcome it :)

I am going out again tonite and hope I can stay awake. My friend and I were driving around last night and I could barely stay awake :P I am looking fwd to having a good time tonite and who knows what may happen..

I know I don't want to immediately try and find someone to replace him b/c that wouldn't be very stable and someone else doesn't deserve to be exposed to what I have come away from.

I just know that if I met someone to occupy my thoughts a bit it feels like maybe I would want to get back on track, does that make sense?

thank GOD for you guys AND my counselor :)

L

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:25pm
Thats great:) you seem to know what your doing, and being on your way..Make sure to check back and post your progress. We`d like to hear how your doing and how we have helped you(if we have:P) just remember to be strong and move at your own pace.
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:52pm
I think you are being WAY too hard on YOURSELF.
In some ways I feel like YOU because instead of doing "anything" I am kind of sitting around feeling a bit sorry because I am going through yet another "break-up" yet again with an ex-b/f and it hurts like h*ll.
He didn't spend Christmas with me but expected me to spend New Year's with him.
I feel used, lied to and so d*mned angry.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas so I told him a ring, well no ring and then New Year's Eve Day he pulls out a Best Friend ring and honestly it isn't about the ring but his timing.
Said he was going to give it to me on New Year's Eve while we were out at his ex-g/f's and her man's which happens to be a best friend of his,
Honestly it was not ONLY bad timing but too little, too late.
We have been dating on and off three years approx and for me it just is not enough.
I broke up with him a year ago in October and just started talking to him again after finding out I didn't have cancer. I was so relieved and happy.
But I want a committment and I am realizing he doesn't.
I see us having no future together.
He has been treating me like a real *ss this week and today and I feel really bad and very sad.
Just know you aren't ALONE.
It takes time for broken heart to heal...and maybe you need more time.
I know I do...I just want to bawl.
I am walking away...being friends isn't enough and I have already shared with him not in to friends w/benefits or f*ck buddy.
It hurts too d*mn much.
I am going to take care of ME.
And it will take time but for once in my life I am putting myself first.
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 5:03pm
none of the guys on myspace seem to have what he has: Control over your mind. Get over him. He is only a guy and there is plenty of other guys. We all loved and fell out of love. It is normal to be sad for a while but you should make an effort. Watch interesting movies, read books, learn knitting, Tennis, Salsa or anything that you like and be passionate about something other than this guy who obviously does not appreciate you. thats why you should move on. There are women your age in your city in similar situation who are also looking for a good friend. You can always make new friends. He didnot get his keys because he has a copy and he trusts you will keep them for him. Give them to your friend and let her pass them on to him... dont contact him anymore and just move on with your life. He does not deserve your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 7:13pm

I appreciate your advice. I have always been an extremely self confident individual. It's just that the minute I think I am going to be OK and screw it anyway, I get sad again and it starts all over. I am due out at a club at 9:30 and will go, just don't really feel like it but can't sit in this house. I really feel like if I could just have my stuff I would have more closure. I have to talk to him to get it done b/c I don't want to put my friend in the middle of this. Arrangements have to be made between my friend and him to drop off the washer/dryer. He claims he hasn't had the help to do it but he has several guys who work for him?!

I feel lame b/c I don't know a couple of guys who can just go down there with a truck and haul the washer/dryer out for me.

I also want my stuff back b/c I feel like he doesn't deserve to have a single piece of what I have, certainly not the convenience of a washer dryer!!

I SO can't wait until this is really behind me.

Damn him all to hell. I think I need to move up the appt with my counselor this week.

I have a doc appt in his area 1st thing on Monday and I unfortunately am going to have to be across the street from where he lives. :(

I absolutely despise him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 7:51pm

"One thing I have def learned in this break up is that I will never again make someone my world, it isn't healthy to do, even when things are going well."

Wow. This is probably the biggest and most important lesson I've learned in all this. I told him on so many occasions that he meant the world to me, but I didn't realize until it was over that I had actually let him BECOME my world. And in doing that, I'm now paying the price.

Just hours before we broke up I actually came to the realization that the last year and a half I had put him above anyone else in my life. It wasn't as if he ever treated me badly or made me feel inferior to him or anything; the feeling just came naturally to me, as unhealthy as that sounds. I told myself and my friends I was going to talk to him about it. Unfortunately the relationship ended that night before I even had the chance to bring it up.

But I guess my point is this kind of behavior really is unhealthy. In fact, it makes me think that had I seen this long ago, I would have figured out we were doomed from the start. My grandmother wasn't kidding when she would tell me as a child, "When you meet a boy, make sure he's more interested in you than you are in him"! :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 8:50pm

Yep, like I said I was a hard sell but when he got me boy he really got me. He chased me for MONTHS.

Good realization to come to isn't it?

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