1wk after brkup LONG post pls help me?
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| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:00am |
It keeps getting easier right?
It feels easier one minute and then the next it is torture. I feel so alone right now. I really gave my all in this relationship, too much actually. I didn't realize how much I started changing to try and make someone happy whose happiness was not my responsiblity.
I find myself contemplating life and what is meant to happen for me. I have very little appetite and have probably lost at least 3 lbs this past week.
I am going out this wknd and trying to move on with my life. But right now, I don't feel like doing much of ANYTHING. I made it through work and told everyone about the breakup so they wouldn't ask me how HE was doing. (He was in my world so everyone at my job had met him).
I posted elsewhere he still hasn't dropped off my stuff at my friend's house. I am not trying to read into it, not thinking he isn't doing so b/c deep down he really doesn't want this, I think he is just being inconsiderate and will just do it whenever he damn well feels like it. I wish he would just go ahead and do it so this will all be done. That's all that's left to be done at this point.
My counselor thinks that he is just trying to sort through a lot right now and it has nothing to do with me. She thinks if I want to, I shouldn't totally close the door. But, I have to think about me in all of this and not allow someone else's issues affect me when he doesn't want me to be there for him.
The no contact rule was not in effect at all this wk. I had sent him a txt msg that I assumed he had cancelled me on his gym membership so he needed to redirect a charge for something else on my acct back to his own acct. He called to talk to me about what I was going to do RE: a membership and small chitchat and I told him "That's really no longer of any concern to you is it?" His reply was , yea I guess.
It's like either he is in denial that it's really over (though it was his idea to take a break) or he just isn't concerned about getting his house key, spare truck key and other belongings back.
I just don't know.
This is only the 2nd long term relationship I have had and this break up is different b/c the person is actually still in the same city as me (about 30 min away).
At this time, I feel a turning point of no longer hoping it works out. I haven't even had the thought in my mind that "But I love him so much". I just want to get over this and figure out how to get my life back on track, be happy, and find someone to love who will love me and not put me through this.
One thing I have def learned in this break up is that I will never again make someone my world, it isn't healthy to do, even when things are going well. I never thought I'd find myself in a place in life at 31 years old where I have very few friends/life outside of what I had with him. Part of it has to do with how I work so much (a min of 50 hrs a week). I was on the track that my life was with this person and the spare time I had, I wanted to spend it with him and continuing to grow our relationship.
I feel foolish and would be upset with my friends if they were ever like this in a relationship.
This has been such a wake up call. I so desperately need to clean out my closet, straighten up my apartment. TAKE MY CHRISTMAS TREE TO THE TRASH and get to the gym to get back to the person I was when he met me, but I just can't seem to do it right now. All I seem to be able to do is reflect, ponder, and surf the Internet. I have been on myspace seeing if there are any quality guys on there. None that seem to have what he had nor what I would want in my life.
What is it going to take for me to get it together?

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Lioness
Well, as someone dealing with a very recent break up after what I believed were three solid years of love, friendship and growth... there is no easy answer.
My ex ( that's the first time I've referred to him in that way...) and I have been in contact over the past few days a few times. He's called, I've called, we've met for coffee once and I've sent him several IMs in regards to details.
He asked me to still be his friend. He told me that I'm his best friend and that he needs to sort out his life right now and that we are just going in different directions. You know what? He's right. After one year, I wanted to get married and I didn't tell him. After two, I was heartbroken that he still hadn't proposed. After three, I thought that he was going to ask me FINALLY. And, on the very day that I thought he would ask me he looked me in the eyes and told me that he had to make some hard decisions and that they all hurt because they all lead to him hurting me. He never had to say anything, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. That was a week ago tomorrow.
The next day, I cried. I am a single mom, and I couldn't let the kids see me cry. I cried in the shower, the bathroom, the car, at work.... I just cried and cried. Today, I haven't cried. That feeling of being kicked in the stomach, of having the wind ripped from my sails... well it's getting better. I honestly haven't eaten, and anything I try to eat comes back to me. I slept last night for the first time. Not because I don't try.
Here's what I'm going to do, in honor of the good things that I did learn in this relationship, maybe it will help you...
First, I'm going to just let go. He is absolutely my best friend in the entire world. He knows things about me that no one else ever has. I'm 33... I'm divorced... and although I've not had a lot of relatioships all of them have been long term and with the exception of my marriage every one ended on a good note when we just decided that it wasn't working out. So, I am going to honor that friendship. However, I am going to pretend for the next few months at least that he is an astronaut and that I cannot get into his space, nor he into mind. I'm going to avoid him. To give him, and me a chance to heal and then later to determine how to sort out the friendship.
I'm not going to stop living. I went out to a small party last night for a mutual friend of another friend... a going away party. Only for an hour and a half... but I had fun. I'm going to have fun. Not in spite of him, but because of me. I like smiling and laughing, and I like fun.
I'm not going to swear that I won't ever trust anyone else with my heart. I did say this to my best friends a few hundred times over the first few days when I would call them at 3 am to keep myself from calling him. I'm going to heal, and I'm going to open my heart more... because that is how I would tell him to heal if I were on the outside looking in. It's what I would tell any friend.
I'm not going to hold onto hopes... of anything. I won't promise him, or myself that we can be friends. I won't wait for the call that he made a mistake. I will hope for my happiness, and my healing. Sure, I do hope to be his best friend. And, yes I even hope to see him with someone else someday who can give him what he didn't think I could. Because, more than anything else he was my friend and I wouldn't want an unhappy friend.
I made a list of those things that I will miss. Sure, I'll miss the sex. It was amazing. Always... I'll miss bouncing ideas off of him... I'm a designer and writer and he was always interested and most of my friends are not. I'll miss talking with him until 3 am just because we didn't want to say good night sometimes. I'll miss him knowing that I have to dry my ears when I get out of the shower... stupid little things I guess.
EVERY one of those things... my friends are there to do too. He was my friend. We evolved from intense lovers into a deep friendship.
My advice to you, even though this seemed like a vent for me, is to never belittle what YOU had in the relationship. Belittle him in your mind if you'd like - but I promise that it will not get easier. Help someone else. Being there for someone else right now, in whatever way and for whatever reason, is the best way to heal your heart because it will fill it with something positive and eventually begin to move you through this...
I wish you all the best, and I thank you for listening to me as I unloaded what I feel right now. You will go on and it will be better...
Be kind... to you.
Awwww thanks for this post it was lovely :) I don't at all mind you 'unloading'.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I need to stay away from his MySpace. I see he is adding girls who look very similar to me and it kills me.
I am still in shock that this happened but I know one day it will be a distant memory.
I went out last night with friends and had a good time, danced, flirted, even gave out my number ;)
I can't keep wishing for what might have been but it's just all so sad.
He is FINALLY supposed to drop off my stuff at my friends' shortly and that should be it.
I went to church this AM and it def helped I just can't wait to get past this, I keep telling myself I just can't wait to get past it, you know?
I can't wait until the day he doesn't come up in my head several hundred times a day.
AHHHHHHHH
Anyway glad to hear you are getting out and about I think that's great!
Let's make a pact that we will continue working through this heartbreak and be better people to ourselves and others around us as a result :)
Hugs
L
I've been reading these posts all week while my relationship was hanging in the balance...now I can say that my relationship is over...although we were together for 7 months, we thought we were The One and on the verge of moving in together...
It all blew up in my face - I had just thrown a surprise birthday party for him on Sat, and I 20 of his friends and family over...he had told me that he didn't really celebrate his birthday the week before, but I couldn't tell him what I planned, and I couldn't just cancel. I had no idea he would be so vehemently against celebrating it - I tried to get him to come to my house, saying that I made a nice dinner, and he said "You didn't have to do that..."
30 min after guests arrive, he calls me and says (and everyone can hear this) "put your dinner in the fridge, we're gonna hang out at this street party!" I asked him to come home, and he said, "No, this is what I want to do for my birthday and that's that!" So then I had to tell him...
He showed up, he looked animated but he was not happy - laughing tensely...afterwards when we went oa bar, he said that the party was the nicest thing anyone had done for him and also the worst - he said I humiliated him in front of everyone (and won't give me a straight answer as to why) and I shouldn't have invited all those people, as if therewas some sort of conflict...he then stopped talking to me and now we're insulting each other via email...
I do admit that this has been an emotionally abusive relationship (it hurts to admit to something like that), but I'm so angry with myself for being too weak to leave...I'm also studying for the bar exam, and all of this is making it difficult to concentrate...
I just want to leave work, go home and cry...
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