2 1/2 months and its getting harder

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
2 1/2 months and its getting harder
8
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:49pm
It's been 2 1/2 months for me and it feels like it is getting harder. I miss him so much, but know that if he came back to me I couldn't get back together. We broke up b/c he loved me, yet wanted to date other people. Lately, I've been able to keep myself going by changing my inner dialogue, constantly saying positive things about myself. But I always have a lingering thought about him. It's so hard. I feel like such a baby. I know 2 mos isn't that long, but I guess I thought I would feel better than I did initially. At times I do feel better, but times like now, I feel so anxious, panicky and restless. I don't know what would make me feel better. I know that calling him would only make me feel worse, so I know I won't do that. I've tried writing in my journal, but that's not helping. I washed dishes, put my clothes away, again no help. So here I am writing my random thoughts for strangers to read them.

I've read most of "He's Scared, She's Scared" and it did help a lot. It made me realize that he is a total commitmentphobe. It has help put things into perspective for me. I especially benefited from the last chapter on how to get over a commitmentphobe if you are the passive partner. Wow, was that eye opening. "It will not end, unless the passive partner ends it." That spoke volumes to me. Then and there I decided to commit to myself and move on. Though it doesn't make it any easier.

I know I cannot contact him, I realize now that he is my kryptonite. He is bad news and I must avoid him at all costs. It's weird b/c I don't really feel like contacting him. I just have this overwhelming sadness that won't go away, know what I mean? I'm sure it's all part of the process.

Thanks for listening to my disjointed rant...I shall go for a walk.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:27pm
What is He's Scared, She's Scared about? I think my guy was a total commitment-phobe, however, he said everything in the world to tell me he was committed. He was willing to have me live with him (I didn't technically), he bought a ring he kept in his drawer (so I was ready at any time). However, often times he would do things (i.e. decorating his home- buying a sofa, planning for the big screen tv) that showed he was not truly committing- or at least planning for someone to share his life (compromise-plan t/g). It is so hard for me b/c I had to end it after a year of waiting around (we were t/g three years total). I feel like such a mean person. He called me crying that he had a ring... I just got fed up waiting around.

What do you think? I guess I was the passive partner- maybe he just wanted me to break up with him. Blah.

This is so awful. I am only two days into our breakup- I can't imagine the next few months or even years...

Good luck- take a long walk. Rent a funny movie.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:42pm
The sadness you're feeling is totally normal at this point...it means you're grappling with acceptance that THIS IS JUST THE WAY HE IS, that he's not going to change, and that it's really over. I don't want to scare you, but it will probably get worse before it gets better. BUT...if you stick with no contact, and focus on the reasons you're not right for each other and accepting them, it WILL get better. Once you get to acceptance, you'll have such a feeling of peace. It's really a wonderful thing...but it takes a while to get to that point, where you really accept it in your heart and bones.

Hang in there, and re-read that last chapter as often as necessary!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:30pm
Seriously, what is this "he's scared, she's scared" thats definitely what i need to read. I am almost 3 weeks into a break up of a 3 year relationship, because eveyrone around us was getting married and he was getting freaked. So it was mutual, but the hardest thing I have ever done. And the emotions are unreal. I cant even describe it. We talk, via email, once a week on the phone. We decided to do this to "fix us" we were getting on each others nerves, not spending much time togther anymore, i was constantly blown off for his friends, who in turn would blow him off for their girlfriends. so i know we had to do this, i couldnt live like that, but i want him... i want him 6 months ago, before he started freaking out.....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:51pm
It's a book by Steven Carter on commitment issues that many of us have found enormously helpful.

You may or may not decide your ex has commitment issues (I think it's overdiagnosed) but the book will help you figure that out. One big hint is if he can't commit to much of *anything* in his life, then he's got commitment issues (i.e., can't stick with a job, moves a lot, doesn't keep friends in his life, etc).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:56pm
I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a VERY strong person and I admire all that you are doing to restrain yourself from calling and keep yourself going and busy. My BF and I just broke up a week ago and I have been on so many ups and downs this week. We are still trying to see if it can be worked out so I have had contact with him but I know that if and when that time comes to truly move on it will be hard. You are listening to your gut and you know that calling him and contacting him wont help YOU so you arent doing it and I think thats great. Keep the positive thoughts flowing! There will always be good days and bad days but sooner or later to good are going to start to be more frequent than the bad. Keep busy and stay strong. It will get better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:54pm
Is it something about that 3 year mark??? From all the excerpts I have read and my own personal situation, I think that 3 year mark is taboo or something. I am only at 3 weeks now since our breakup. It is hard and now I can only expect it to continue to be hard in a couple of months. My friends keep telling me that it's going to take how ever long it takes and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know about you, but sometimes its so hard to see that light. Sometimes I'm fine...almost overly happy, and other times (out of nowhere) it hits me and I feel my heart beating so hard I think I can see it. I feel physically ill and weak. No matter what I do to try and keep my mind off of it...him...it's as if those feelings just keep feeding of each other and I'm stuck in a bottomless pit. I never thought that I would be the tpe of person to let someone have that much power over my emotions...over me. I now this doesn't really help. But these things can only make us stronger, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:49am
Thanks for everyone’s kind words.

Charlotte – You may want to look into reading the book. It helped me put things into perspective and helped me realize that there was nothing that I could do about my ex's commitment issues. It also helped me look at my own issues and why I choose men that are unavailable and unwilling to commit. It sounds like your bf may be a bit indecisive.

Tigger – I hope that you and your bf are able to work things out. The board is always a good place to sound off. How long have you two been dating? Do you feel it is fixable? Good luck to you.

Rainen – My bf and I dated for 3+ years as well. I don’t know what that is. I understand about feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to feel like myself again. It’s a faint memory, that happy person I used to be. In regards to getting over or through this…I hear that it can take as long as a yr to get over a 3 yr relationship. We will be ok, and we do know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now is the time to focus on ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 7:29am


i never thought i would be that kind of person either..I always thought i was so strong and had everything under control..or at least my emotional life

and even though somewhere, in the back of my head, i feel like, i know i will be fine, i still have this fear of not being able to let go of this relationship ..memories are what kills me the most. we didnt fight at all and really do only have good memories

its been two weeks now and im still not over him completely. we only dated a year and me, being optimistic, and stupid, thought i would get over it within a few days but trust me, nobody would want to pay for this rollercoaster of emotions im riding on