2 months &...it still sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
2 months &...it still sucks
4
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:41am

On May 08 after 3 years of living together TM and I split up. "I wasn't the one"; "he couldn't marry me"; "I changed" etc. etc. 2 weeks of talking/planning the separation, while I was away visting my sister, he packed his clothes and moved back home.

I did alot of crying, reading, soul searching and asking why. I read these boards daily and drew strength from the fact that I wasn't alone. I understand the No Contact rule was the best one. After all, why wait until he got tired of the long drawn out drama or until, GASP he found somebody else. Break it off clean, move on with my life.
Unfortunately, TM strongly feels that NC is not the way to go. We communicate now he says; something we had both stopped doing. Three weeks ago, against my better judgement I met with him for coffee. Why is it, that after he calls, I just can't hang up and go on? I find myself calling him over and over again. I called and told him that I loved him. His response? "You don't have to tell me that; I don't need to hear it." After going ballistic and then apologizing-it hit me! I got it! It was over. Final. He didn't want to be with me. And I, an All or Nothing kind of girl, decided that I could not be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. So, I told him I got it. And I moved on.

I didn't need to read the boards anymore. I didn't need to read books. I thought I was over it;over him.

Last weekend, while I was out of town to attend my sisters wedding, he spent the weekend at the apt.packing the rest of his belongings. I was fine upon my return.
Until Yesterday. He called me at work. The excuse-to talk about the items remaining.
And his phone call led to my stopping in at his office. And then him coming by the apt. We talked. He thinks that talking is "enlightening" and if anything, will help answer the question: "What changed and why?". At the end of the day, the situation remains the same. I want to marry him. He doesn't. So, I stand by my argument. Can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It is what it is.
The worst feeling in the world is that NOW, I'm missing him. Like crazy. Grieving all over again for a loss I thought I was over. Two steps forward, one huge step back.
And while he tells me quite clearly that it's over, in the same breath, he tells me that I'm beautiful, that I knock his socks off and that he sees again the girl he first fell in love with. And he asks "would it be right if we got back together?" My automatic answer was "NO" because, he still doesn't want me. He has bought his own place and will take possession this weekend. And his big idea about inviting me over for dinner really didn't do it for me.
It feels like all the progress I have made over the last 3 weeks has been erased. I now miss his voice, his touch, want to call him, to see him. I know that it does get easier and that it is possible to move on. But I also know that it sucks. Large.

He told me last night that he had tried reaching out to me twice: he had asked me to push him to work harder for the new business that he started. I didn't push him because back then, I thought that I wasn't his mother. I loved him. I supported him. I believed in him. And told him this everyday. But I didn't do what he asked? Does that make me a bad person? Selfish? I guess, it's really a moot point now

Anyways, thank you girls, especially you Sandra for being here. You guys get it.
I'm sorry we have to go through the pain. But whatever doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:49am
I totally feel your pain! I was over my ex (we broke up May 19) well, he broke up with me and BAM!-- I saw him last night driving by while I was running. He was in the passanger seat while his brother was driving. He stared at me. Why? I want to call and ask him why. Why didn't he just turn away? I did- finally. It just brings up all the old hurt again. I want to call and ask him- is he sure? Does he really want it to be over?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:23am
I can totally relate. I lived with my ex for 3 years and I wanted to marry him and he didn't want to marry me. That's it in a nutshell. In the end the laundry list of complaints about me came out (which I never heard a peep of before)- I worry too much, I'm different than when we first met, I'm too indecisive, I "could be" the one, he's not sure. I too am an all-or-nothing girl....the way I saw it, he didn't want me, then I shouldn't want him. That doesn't make the hurt go away though. You still have to go through all the pain, each step. I have always believed in NC and implemented it the day we broke up. The only contact we have had is 3 emails he sent me over the last 2 1/2 months - all non-relationship topics. If I'm being honest, I was hopeful that these emails contained him telling me he missed me and loved me and wanted to be with me again. But they didn't. The way I see it, he just wants to make sure I don't hate him so he doesn't have to feel guilty and feel like the bad guy. He wants me to write back like we're "old pals" so that he can feel good about himself. Well, I'm not having it. If the email doesn't contain the words "I want to work on the relationship", then there is no reason for contact. And even if he DID want to work on the relationship, so what? Does that change anything...will he still want to marry me in the end? Because that's ultimately what it comes down to. You ask why it is hard to move on after you see him or talk on the phone. It is because it reopens the old wounds. Whether you admit it or not, you hang on to a shred of hope that things will be different, and that he will want to be with you. And when you realize nothing has changed, you get depressed. You haven't erased all the progress you have made the last 3 weeks. Everyone "falls off the wagon" once in a while. It OK - just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. It DOES suck A LOT, but at least you know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep with NC and keep going forward, and you will get there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:37pm

Funny how 3 years can be summarized into 1 sentence "I wanted to marry him and he didn't want to marry me." I too, had the same list of complaints read against me: no longer the feisty confident woman I met, you became too needy etc. etc. I'm beginning to see a pattern and think that ultimately, these men are projecting their own insecurities and doubts on us.
Is it because we are so certain that they are the one? He wants to touch base every once in a while like " we're old pals"-- I got that one too. You are so right--- expecially in saying
"And even if he DID want to work on the relationship, so what? Does that change anything...will he still want to marry me in the end? Because that's ultimately what it comes down to."
And also in hanging on that little shred of hope--and getting depressed.

There's absolutelty nothing with being All or Nothing. And if we were to change, we would compromise who we are and ultimately, be settling.

Well the good news is that reading your response made me laugh. You get it! I don't have to explain and it's nice knowing that I'm not alone!

Thanks
ML

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:05pm
Its been a month and a half for me offically almost 4 weeks since the actual breakup. I dont have the same problem as my ex found another girl within a day. Well i doubt found had another girl then decidely went for her when I was out of the picture. I know what you mean with NO contact and how even far out it can bring it all back in one moment. I been here before been two monhs out I actually got back with him after seeing him. Ths time obviously I will not. Because after 3.5 yrs AS YOU said it all comes down to the same ending In the end he will not want to marry me there is no point.