2 months &...it still sucks
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| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:41am |
On May 08 after 3 years of living together TM and I split up. "I wasn't the one"; "he couldn't marry me"; "I changed" etc. etc. 2 weeks of talking/planning the separation, while I was away visting my sister, he packed his clothes and moved back home.
I did alot of crying, reading, soul searching and asking why. I read these boards daily and drew strength from the fact that I wasn't alone. I understand the No Contact rule was the best one. After all, why wait until he got tired of the long drawn out drama or until, GASP he found somebody else. Break it off clean, move on with my life.
Unfortunately, TM strongly feels that NC is not the way to go. We communicate now he says; something we had both stopped doing. Three weeks ago, against my better judgement I met with him for coffee. Why is it, that after he calls, I just can't hang up and go on? I find myself calling him over and over again. I called and told him that I loved him. His response? "You don't have to tell me that; I don't need to hear it." After going ballistic and then apologizing-it hit me! I got it! It was over. Final. He didn't want to be with me. And I, an All or Nothing kind of girl, decided that I could not be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. So, I told him I got it. And I moved on.
I didn't need to read the boards anymore. I didn't need to read books. I thought I was over it;over him.
Last weekend, while I was out of town to attend my sisters wedding, he spent the weekend at the apt.packing the rest of his belongings. I was fine upon my return.
Until Yesterday. He called me at work. The excuse-to talk about the items remaining.
And his phone call led to my stopping in at his office. And then him coming by the apt. We talked. He thinks that talking is "enlightening" and if anything, will help answer the question: "What changed and why?". At the end of the day, the situation remains the same. I want to marry him. He doesn't. So, I stand by my argument. Can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It is what it is.
The worst feeling in the world is that NOW, I'm missing him. Like crazy. Grieving all over again for a loss I thought I was over. Two steps forward, one huge step back.
And while he tells me quite clearly that it's over, in the same breath, he tells me that I'm beautiful, that I knock his socks off and that he sees again the girl he first fell in love with. And he asks "would it be right if we got back together?" My automatic answer was "NO" because, he still doesn't want me. He has bought his own place and will take possession this weekend. And his big idea about inviting me over for dinner really didn't do it for me.
It feels like all the progress I have made over the last 3 weeks has been erased. I now miss his voice, his touch, want to call him, to see him. I know that it does get easier and that it is possible to move on. But I also know that it sucks. Large.
He told me last night that he had tried reaching out to me twice: he had asked me to push him to work harder for the new business that he started. I didn't push him because back then, I thought that I wasn't his mother. I loved him. I supported him. I believed in him. And told him this everyday. But I didn't do what he asked? Does that make me a bad person? Selfish? I guess, it's really a moot point now
Anyways, thank you girls, especially you Sandra for being here. You guys get it.
I'm sorry we have to go through the pain. But whatever doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger right?

Funny how 3 years can be summarized into 1 sentence "I wanted to marry him and he didn't want to marry me." I too, had the same list of complaints read against me: no longer the feisty confident woman I met, you became too needy etc. etc. I'm beginning to see a pattern and think that ultimately, these men are projecting their own insecurities and doubts on us.
Is it because we are so certain that they are the one? He wants to touch base every once in a while like " we're old pals"-- I got that one too. You are so right--- expecially in saying
"And even if he DID want to work on the relationship, so what? Does that change anything...will he still want to marry me in the end? Because that's ultimately what it comes down to."
And also in hanging on that little shred of hope--and getting depressed.
There's absolutelty nothing with being All or Nothing. And if we were to change, we would compromise who we are and ultimately, be settling.
Well the good news is that reading your response made me laugh. You get it! I don't have to explain and it's nice knowing that I'm not alone!
Thanks
ML