2 Simple Questions..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
2 Simple Questions..........
7
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:22am

I have 2 simple questions : Can a guy who really loves you just let you go given that he might not want to commit himself to a relationship at the time ?

Also,is timing a crucial factor in relationships? My ex is on a 2-year working holiday with (almost)all his single friends.So could this be a valid reason for our breakup ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:06am

"is timing a crucial factor in relationships?"

Yes and no. While still in High School, yes, the timing is crucial as the relationship may only progress so far. Out in the free and clear adult world, I don't think timing is nearly as crucial as being TheOne.

"Can a guy who really loves you just let you go given that he might not want to commit himself to a relationship at the time?"

What'd he say? "I really love you BUT......."?? What came next? THAT is the truth of the matter. It's like Dr.Phil says, "but" means "now forget what I just said, this is what I really mean/think". If he "really loves you" timing would be damned. He'd make it work. It's that simple, because really, wouldn't you?

"My ex is on a 2-year working holiday with (almost)all his single friends. So could this be a valid reason for our breakup?"

YES. He's off with all his single friends, and he's Mr. Partypooper because he's got a GF keeping him from doing "single" things guilty conscience free.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:38am

Love and relationship are not "related" issues.

He can easily love, admire, respect and desire you in every way...and not want for himself obligation, commitment, requirement, responsibility, limitation, and restriction - which is what a relationship is viewed as until the sacrifices and demands of it are desired by the people involved.

Loving someone doesn't mean you want to make sacrifices to your own goals and needs because of them.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:52am

The simple answer to your questions is "yes".

Love isn't enough. Both people also have to have the willingness and capability to be in a healthy r'ship. If the willingness and/or capability isn't there on one or both sides, it's not going to work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:06pm

I would add this - I think you're asking the wrong questions. Many people, post-breakup, have a lot of sort of existential questions (is it possible for a person to do/feel/think/say "x"?) and a lot of reality-doubting questions (did he ever really love me, were we ever really "good together, etc.). In a way, that's natural, but it's also self-defeatist. Your relationship was experienced by you, in your head and heart, and you will remember and perceive it the way you remember and perceive it. This is not a detective novel, there's no need to sleuth out the "truth" of what was "really" between the two of you. For you, it's as simple as you loved him, he is unable to give you what you need (commitment), and therefore you cannot be together any more.

Maybe his actions don't make sense to you, or you feel a need to do a bit of revisionist history by deciding that everything that came before was false because his feelings/intent did not end where yours did (with a desire for a long-term relationship). None of that is really necessary for your healing. If you think your relationship problems may have been related to bigger issues in your life (like co-dependency, choosing guys to "rescue," choosing emotionally unavailable men, etc.), then, by all means, do some detective work. Be really honest with yourself if you have a pattern of dating unavailable men or if you deliberately overlooked red flags in this relationship. But, if that's not the case, then there's no mystery to solve. Sometimes, people who care for each other just don't fall in love; sometimes, people in love just aren't willing to do what's necessary to make a relationship work (sacrifice, obligations, commitment); and sometimes, people change and grow apart, and what once brought them together in love fades away. That's sad, and you have every right to grieve. The other questions are just sort of distractions, false leads on which you can expend energy, because it's easier to believe that there's a solution to the mystery (he was lying, he's defective and abnormal, whatever) than to accept that sometimes love doesn't last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:45pm
"Can a guy who really loves you just let you go given that he might not want to commit himself to a relationship at the time ? "
Truthfully...if he really truly loves you...he'll try like anything to hold on to you.
"is timing a crucial factor in relationships? My ex is on a 2-year working holiday with (almost)all his single friends.So could this be a valid reason for our breakup ?"
YES....he's around all his single friends...friends that don't have to answer to anybody and friends that can do whatever they want.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:36pm
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 8:43pm
i think that if he loves you enough he will come back if he wasnt than it probally wasnt meant to be.