2 weeks of healing down the drain

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
2 weeks of healing down the drain
8
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:24pm


So, for those of you who remember, BF of 4 years left our place a couple of weeks ago with absolutely no warning....I've been doing good keeping myself busy and my mind off of him as much as I can and then....

He came by here last night to drop off rent and I have now totally regressed after seeing him...I was doing really well when he got here making small talk and such. But I just couldn't keep it up and I lost it. *Totally* lost it -- right down to the tears. I was so embarrassed!!! I guess some small stupid part of my brain was thinking that once he came back here and saw me and our place and all he wouldn't want to leave again. I thought wrong.

And why am I only remembering the good times? Why has my memory suddenly blocked out the fights and petty arguments? I don't understand this! So now today I'm thinking that I am back at square 1 where I'm all upset and teary and wondering what I did wrong and what I could have done differently so that this never would have happened but what's the use? Apparently my big mistake was ever mentioning the possibility of engagement...stupid me.

I am SO mad at myself for feeling this way all over again!!!!


~* Kristen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:39pm
Kristen,

Don't be so hard on yourself... it's understandable that it's going to be hard for you- it's only been 2 weeks. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. You're going to be fine... it may take time, but you will be okay. You're strong and you can do it!

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:00pm
Two weeks is not a long time at all, it's natural for you to feel the way you do. The contact may have been a slight setback, but it's the past, no need to stress over something you can't change. What you can do is work on your behavior moving forward, and do whatever it takes for you to heal.

I started posting here the day after my ex- broke up with me. That first week, I didn't even want to wake up some mornings..because it hurt so bad. 1 month later, I'm still here. Surprisingly, this past weekend was filled with loved ones and laughter.

With good friends, family, and support systems like this board, you don't have to feel isolated or ashamed of your feelings.

Hugs to you!

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:36pm
Hi, Jersey Girl.

I really know where you're coming from, because I've been there myself. Just remember: No Contact. There's a reason for it, and - hard as it is - you just experienced what that reason is. If you keep up the NC for a while, it's funny, but you actually do feel better overall.

Also - get a copy of "He Said, She Said" - it talks a lot about this feeling of "if I would have just done things differently..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:39pm
Sorry - the book is actually entitled "He's Scared, She's Scared...", not "He Said, She Said."

Keep your chin up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:01pm
I also know what you exactly feel. I am on the same boat right now. My girlfriend cheated on me and I tried hard to leave her..but couldnt..then she did it again, so I left...It is hard to let go..You always think of good thing..but Make a list of bad thing..it always helped me..Make yourself mad at him..he does not treat you the way someone loves you..pick up my head and slowly moving on..It is Very hard..But always remember, you deserve much more that this...

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:58pm
Oh my god girl... I can relate! I am so sorry to hear about your situation, because I know how you are feeling. It hurts and men just suck! I'm 28. I was with a guy (first love, first EVERYTHING) for 6 1/2 years. He knew I wanted marriage and kids... we lived together for nearly 6 of the 6 1/2 years. That's all I want out of life. I'm not career oriented, I'm FAMILY oriented. He never said he never wanted those things. He just didn't want them "right now" whenever we talked about it. "Eventually", "Someday", and "I want to wait until I'm 30 so I know I'm adult enough to handle it and I'll be established in my career" he'd say. We started looking for a house. I have very little money and no credit history, so he was going to buy it (it would be in his name) but then we'd both live there and make it home. We'd been looking for many, many months. Then one day, the day before his 29th birthday actually, we got in an arguement about something lame and he blurted out "When I find a house, I'm moving there alone". I was completely blindsided. I knew we had our problems, but I did NOT see this coming. We talked, we cried, and finally agreed that we'd go our seperate ways since that's what he wanted. I did not want it however and I thought I was going to die. I lived with him through Christmas with both of our families (his did not know yet and his mother gave me a Christmas card that talked about how much she loved me and how glad she was to have me for a "daughter"... I could have jumped off the balcony I felt so awful). After our initial breakup discussion, I lived with him another 2-3 months before I had enough money to move out on my own. The first night alone was the worst night of my life. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and that I'd never get it back. It's been about 6 months now and the memory of that pain is still so fresh that I am crying for myself (and for you!) as I type this. It has gotten easier... when my friends told me I'd survive it, I wanted to laugh in their faces and say "What the hell do you know!? You've never gone through this and you have no idea what this pain is like. I will not live through this". But I have survived it for 6 months. I've been ok for the most part, but I too have suffered a set back like you did. Trouble with mine is that I have no idea why. He and I have continued to sleep together, which I know is just insanity, but he was my first and only and I am clueless as to how to make myself stop. I've been fine for the last couple months and then all the sudden, last week when he called to tell me that his offer had been accepted on a house (which was no surprise to me because we talk nearly every day and I was aware of the entire situation), I just got really depressed. I've been feeling low ever since and just want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. I'm not sure why. Ideas?

Sorry for the long story.... just wanted you to know (in detail apparently) why and how I identify with your situation. I am sorry you are going through a hard time. If you ever need to talk... let me know!

Rhandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:55pm
(((Kristen))) I'm sooo sorry you're having to go through this....I know it's tough and there is no reason to beat yourself up over this.....you can't help how you feel and it sounds like he was scared of comitment and that is in no way your fault. It is good to see that he is still taking responsibility and paying the rent.....but do you think he could mail it next time...that way you wouldn't have to see him and have all these feelings flooding back. I think you should try no contact with him and let yourself heal. We're here for you if you need us, so don't hesitate to post any time you want. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:51am


I just have to say that you are all so awesome -- this is the hardest thing that I can ever remember having to go through and you are all making it easier for me. I guess I just have to keep it in mind that time heals all wounds, right? Everything happens for a reason...I just need to figure out the reason for this!

Thank you all for being there -- this board is my solace when I'm having a weak moment and the tears flow all over again.


~* Kristen

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