21 days -- still a wreck
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:14am |
It's been three weeks now since I've last seen or spoken to my ex, when I went to pick up my things from his house. The short version (longer posted in prior posts) is he is 33, I am 27 and we had a great 2-year relationship that was easy, enjoyable and completely free of drama. I thought I would marry him. He broke up with me because he is unsure of the future/me/committing/our future together. Basically, he loves me, I have no doubt, but I guess not enough to want to keep me. It has been the worst three weeks of my life and this was not easy for either of us, I know that. We have not spoken. I left communication up to him. Either he isn't in touch because he thinks we need more time to heal or he isn't in touch because he's just pushing all of this aside as history.
I am still a complete wreck. I can make it through the day okay at work, but then I completely dissolve when I get home. Then I go to the gym or out with friends and then break down driving home or walking to the train in the morning. I feel so empty, discarded and unworthy. And every single day I cry and mourn this.
Fridays are especially hard because as we live 30 miles apart I'd drive up after work each Friday and spend the weekend at his house. That was our time together. And instead of being elated at 5:00 on a Friday, knowing that I will race home, load my bag into the car and drive up to be with him, I now have none of that. No bag to pack. No place to go. No one to collapse into on the couch.
The weather is beautiful now and I should be excited about the summer. But I'm not. There are suddenly golf tournaments, weddings, vacations that I will not be going to any more. I'm not involved with those plans. He has a boat and that boat was our life every summer. We'd spend all of our time on it -- cooking out, taking friends on the water, cleaning and working on it. We'd have leisurely Sundays on it with newspapers and coffee, travel to great places on it, just spend all of our time on it. And he's on it, he's doing all of that. And I don't get to. So on a Friday like this, when it is breezy but warm and sunny and peaceful, he has so much to look forward to with the boat and plans and all of that. It's a great day for him. A Friday with perfect weather. And what is this Friday to me -- the worst day of the week. The worst time of the day will be 5:00.
I am trying to stay busy, I am trying to stay rational. I know I am lucky that our relationship ended peacefully and with love and respect. But I am so devastated. I feel like things will not get better. And weekends are not what I look forward to. They're what I dread.

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oh hon i know how you feel. weekends ARE the worst. i think one of the hardest thing here for all of us, is trying to readjust to a new routine and change our lives around again. when you're in a relationship, you always think in we, and make plans and it's always so good to know you have someone there to share all these experiences. and then you break up and suddenly you find yourself having to change that routine without any type of adjustment period. you go from having all these steady plans to having to figure out what to do with your evenings and weekends.
that was (is) the hardest thing for me too. we'd get together 2-3 times a week, but then weekends were ours. it would start with something fun and unexpected on Friday night with just the two of us (dinner/latin dancing/a play/a comedy show) and then end up at his place around 3-4, spend the night together, go for brunch on sat morning. then we'd do our own thing during the day and go out again at night and then on sunday we'd just walk around the city enjoying each other. or go out of town. it was so nice and wonderful and fun. and i miss it so much.
but i'll tell you what helped, even though i still have trouble (it's only been a month for me). On Thursday i'd start getting depressed because the weekend is looming. So i'd make sure i'd plan my nights/days with friends from then. So i'd know, ok Friday night i'm doing this, Sat during the day i have this, and at night i'll be doing this. so having a plan and knowing what you're doing, and not being alone helps a LOT. keeping busy and not staying at home is really important during the first few weeks. i know that every time i go home, my thoughts will be consumed with him. and the urge to contact is so much higher when there's no one around to take your mind off.
so good luck. try to keep busy. it will get better. maybe not right away but it will. and don't think about him continuing his plans and leaving you behind. you don't know what he's doing. but you shouldn't be focusing on him anyway. try to think about you and how you can start healing.
big hug to you!
Erin,
Don't beat yourself up over this. You are still in the grieving period. But look at the positive here: You have gone three weeks (almost a month) without calling him, or trying to see him. Give yourself a pat on the back because that takes strength and guts. Not everyone can do this. When you get to 30 why don't you reward yourself with a weekend spa trip--what better way to start filling those weekends.
And stop worrying about what he may or may not be doing. This is your time. Do you really need him to go golfing with? Do you really need him to go on a nice vacation with? Of course not. It is your time so do the things you want to do!
And trust me it will get better--you just have to do the work.
Thank you all for your replies. It is comforting to know others know how this feels, but I cry for you all, too, because so many of us are going through this, and is such a horrible way to feel. I never thought this would be so difficult. I knew that the first few days or the first week or so would be hard, but this is three weeks out and I am still so completely numb and in pain as the first day. People say it will get better, but it has not and I sometimes feel like it never will. It is so scary to recognize that you are not well.
I am trying to make tons of plans and see friends. Weekends especially, I've been going out of town to see people or staying over at friends' houses. They have been incredible and very supportive. But I don't want to exhaust my friends, either. They have their own lives and issues to deal with. And I need to learn to be alone. I don't have a choice. I try to fill my time and surround myself with people, but I still feel the cliche -- so empty and so completely alone.
My ex is an incredibly wonderful person and I admire him more than anyone on this planet. It is so hard not be in his life and to know that he loved me, but not enough to keep me. It makes me feel like I am not good enough and I've never felt that way. I know that is not what he intended, but being left makes you feel so horribly unworthy and inadequate.
I too, as another poster mentioned, lost a lot of people in one. He was my boyfriend, but he was my family here, my best friend, my confidante. I went to him for advice, support, help and comfort. I know that I am independent and strong and a good person, too. But I feel so weak and defeated. And so very sad. I feel sorry for myself and for him and I mourn him and our relationship. He did nothing wrong, something is saying that this is not right. I can't blame him. He is being honest. But I can't stop feeling so terrible and insecure and devastated.
I know that time will help and heal. But right now it seems like nothing helps at all.
Why does this sound so familiar? Like you, we are 27 and 33 and, although our break up was for different reasons, and it wasn't always wonderful, it would have been a year and a half on Monday...and we broke up just two months ago and a week.
I do agree with everyone about the weekends. I've been gone most of them, going to my parents, staying with my sisters - just anything to be away. We never lived together, but I moved to his apt complex last summer...so we lived across the parking lot from each other, and we work in the same building, and we park in the same lot at work. It really sucks seeing his apt every time I walk out mine. All of those dreams and plans for our life - my life! are gone. Just in the time we've broken up he's bought a house and moving at the end of the month. Talk about heartache. We had been looking at houses together just weeks before hand and now he's going on with the plans we had together without me.
I did go three weeks without talking to him until this week. It was so good to talk to him and hear his voice and laugh together. But knowing he goes out every weekend with the friends he never introduced me to, and knowing he's just so happy without me is hard. My friends are all married, engaged, having kids...and here I am, alone again. All I wanted to do tonight is get wings, drink beer and play ninetendo, but he's not home and probably gone to his parents for the weekend.
I think the hardest part is losing my best friend/supporter. My family just isn't the same. There's been so many times I've wanted to call him, but didn't. After we first broke up I ended up with ulcers in my esophagus from a pill getting stuck. I was in such pain one saturday night I called him while he was out, and he ended up yelling at me and I felt even worse - he always took care of me before. Turns out he was worried and came home and even came over to my place to check on me...but I had ran to the store to get a thermometer and tylenol - he called and told me he came home because he was going to do that for me...he still cared. And now, I know we'll never be together again and I shouldn't with someone who wasn't always that nice (and I wasn't always that nice), but I still miss him so much. SO MUCH, and it just sucks being reminded of him every single day. So here I am alone, at home, on a Saturday night...my routine weekend.
I hope you all got through the weekend okay. I reread the posts just now -- everyone is mourning but hopeful. And the weekends are the hardest. I cried for 3 hours on Friday. It was so pathetic! I was such a wreck. For some reason Friday was one of the hardest days I've had. I went out with a friend after work, went for a run at night, watched a movie. But I was still alone at the end of it all, still trying to sleep in this huge bed by myself and still just wanting to be next to him.
It is scary to feel like you are totally on your own and have to learn to be alone. It's the consistency of plans, the comfort of a 24/7 supporter, just knowing that someone loves you inside and out. I miss that so much and not having this lover, best friend, sounding board is such a big loss. I try not to think about what he is doing, but I know his plans because they were mine. I keep picturing him having a blast without me, laughing and having fun. And I am trying to laugh and have fun, too, but I am so devastated still. Someone told me that if he decided that I was not the one for him, then he could not be the right one for me. It makes sense, but I still feel like he is it. Like he's the only one. And this only one doesn't want me in his life any more. He was not mean or malicious. We had a conversation that led to the disolution. We both cried, he said this killed him and he'd rather rip an arm off than to hurt me. But he still did. He still left. And I can't hate him or be mad. I just mourn what we had and him not being there any more. Even after three weeks sometimes it just doesn't seem real.
I hope you all hang in there okay at the end of this weekend. It can only get better, right?
Wow...it amazes me how many of our situations are so similar.
I feel like I could have written your post myself.
21 days seems like a lifetime away...I'm at 7.
One thing we all have to remember is that we are going to be OK! Maybe we aren't ok right now, and maybe we won't be ok tomorrow or next week, but eventually we will be okay. Day 7, day 21, day 45.
Erin, sounds like you had a good time with your friend Friday night, that's good! But I know exactly what you mean about "going home". You can have a great day, but at the end of it, it just really sucks sometimes. I think that's why I've been sleeping on my couch most of the time.
I know that I have family and friends that love me, but my siblings and friends all have someone else who loves them...and now I'm just here...alone...knowing that I had that one person who wanted to spend the rest of my life with me and now he doesn't? You are right, that definitely hurts. I just keeping thinking about how it all started so wonderful and where it took a wrong turn and how we just couldn't get back on track. I almost wish he had cheated on me because then I could hold a grudge against him, but I know we both contributed to dissolution. No matter how much I wanted out, this weekend I just want him back so much. I know I shouldn't, but somehow, if he told me he'd take me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I remember all the good times, and he remembers all the bad times - obviously we couldn't work out problems.
I can hardly go to church now either. Tonight was probably the second time I've been alone since the beginning of March and we used to go together every weekend. It hurt so much inside and I even went to a different church! I mean, going to church isn't supposed to hurt! But I've decided that God will take care of me and he knows how much it hurts to go. I've decided that I'm going to talk to someone about this. That's why they have therapists. They aren't my family or my friends, but someone not related to the situation. I have to get my emotions and feelings out somehow and I feel that I've worn out my welcome with others. Hopefully I'll be able to gain something from it. Who knows.
Let's remember - tomorrow is a new day - and The Bachelor is on :) and no matter how down we may get - why do we want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us. Someday I'll take my own advice...
Have a good week!
I thought I'd never make it through the weekend, but I did. Friday night wasn't great, I worked Saturday and that helped. Had a good cry Saturday afternoon and that helped even more. Today I had a wonderful day. The weather was great so I enjoyed some time outside with my son. Then I went to the grocery, got some gas, ran my errands. He lives closeby and I knew that I ran a risk of an unpleasant meeting so I was extra alert. I made sure he wasn't at the gas station before I turned in, then picked a pump up front so he could see my car and avoid me. Same with the grocery, checked the lot for his car before I stopped. The best part is my reason. I checked not because I was hoping he'd be there, but because I was hoping he wouldn't.
I didn't have the urge to call him. He called me Friday, but I didn't answer. I erased his message before listening. Tough as it has been, I can tell that this time it will be better because this time I am focusing on myself and not on getting him back. Everytime I'd feel myself starting to slip, I'd remind myself that he was enjoying his weekend with her. I kept reminding myself that I needed time to heal. Time for me. That helps tremendously.
Its only been a week. I know I'll have good days and bad days. For now I'm just trying to take it moment by moment. I know that in this moment I'm okay, that I don't have any desire to call him or make contact. To me that is a victory.
I can do this. We can all do this.
Having the support here really helps.
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