21 days -- still a wreck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
21 days -- still a wreck
14
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:14am

It's been three weeks now since I've last seen or spoken to my ex, when I went to pick up my things from his house. The short version (longer posted in prior posts) is he is 33, I am 27 and we had a great 2-year relationship that was easy, enjoyable and completely free of drama. I thought I would marry him. He broke up with me because he is unsure of the future/me/committing/our future together. Basically, he loves me, I have no doubt, but I guess not enough to want to keep me. It has been the worst three weeks of my life and this was not easy for either of us, I know that. We have not spoken. I left communication up to him. Either he isn't in touch because he thinks we need more time to heal or he isn't in touch because he's just pushing all of this aside as history.

I am still a complete wreck. I can make it through the day okay at work, but then I completely dissolve when I get home. Then I go to the gym or out with friends and then break down driving home or walking to the train in the morning. I feel so empty, discarded and unworthy. And every single day I cry and mourn this.

Fridays are especially hard because as we live 30 miles apart I'd drive up after work each Friday and spend the weekend at his house. That was our time together. And instead of being elated at 5:00 on a Friday, knowing that I will race home, load my bag into the car and drive up to be with him, I now have none of that. No bag to pack. No place to go. No one to collapse into on the couch.

The weather is beautiful now and I should be excited about the summer. But I'm not. There are suddenly golf tournaments, weddings, vacations that I will not be going to any more. I'm not involved with those plans. He has a boat and that boat was our life every summer. We'd spend all of our time on it -- cooking out, taking friends on the water, cleaning and working on it. We'd have leisurely Sundays on it with newspapers and coffee, travel to great places on it, just spend all of our time on it. And he's on it, he's doing all of that. And I don't get to. So on a Friday like this, when it is breezy but warm and sunny and peaceful, he has so much to look forward to with the boat and plans and all of that. It's a great day for him. A Friday with perfect weather. And what is this Friday to me -- the worst day of the week. The worst time of the day will be 5:00.

I am trying to stay busy, I am trying to stay rational. I know I am lucky that our relationship ended peacefully and with love and respect. But I am so devastated. I feel like things will not get better. And weekends are not what I look forward to. They're what I dread.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 12:24pm

I don't know why the past few days have been so far. Tomorrow will be one month from when we broke up, Friday will be one month from when we saw/spoke to one another last. it is somehwo so inconceivable that an ENTIRE MONTH has almost gone by since all of this happened. And I still feel as horrible as I did the morning after. I feel like I am backsliding.

Yesterday all I could think about was him. How handsome he is, his mannerisms, what it was like to hold him, to look at him, to have him look at me. Everything is just so fresh and vivid, like I can still feel him next to me in bed at night. But he's not there.

I can't get angry, he did nothing wrong. But when I am so upset and crying I wonder how he could do this to me. How could he make me feel this way and how could he know how much pain I am in and not reach out to me. I wonder if he is truly happy without me, if his days are so much better without me in them. I just feel so stuck in this grief and all I want is him. How could he just leave all of this. We didn;t have arguments or issues or problems. He just isn;t sure how he feels, or he's sure enough that I'm not it for him. I just feel like I am not worthy and that I happily fit into his life just the way he had it and bent to him and loved every second and taking care of him. And still it wasn't enough. I was not enough.

I hate being so upset at work -- so unprofessional! But I can't reign in these emotions. I have cried thousands of tears and yet they still come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 5:18pm

But I can't reign in these emotions.


Ok- see, yes you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:26pm

well, i'm not that strong...yesterday would have been our 1 1/2 ann and i called him. I was tired of sitting here crying my eyes out, so i called him. i told him about my interview, i told him about going to church and hurting, i told him about wishing we could play ninetendo and eat hooters...i felt alot better, it felt so good to talk to him. he asked if anything would be different now. I told him i couldn't promise but i thought it would. I told him i didn't think i tried that hard to work on it before. i told him that i just wanted to see him. he still didn't mention that he had bought a house though. icalled him at work this am before my interview, it felt good, he was always there for me. I know i shouldn't have called, but screw it - it made me feel better and i stopped crying after we talked. i was actually smiling. he wouldn't tell me if he was dating someone...if he doesn't want to talk about it, that pretty much is a yes. who knows, who cares, but he did tell me again that it was hard for him, but gets easier with time. I told him it was getting harder with time. oh well... what am i going to do? just sitting here missing him, but feeling good after talking to him. i know i'm holding on to empty dreams.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:02pm

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some days are easier than others, and some days are just painful, from start to finish. This is again one of them. It's been 4 weeks now since I've seen/spoken to him. I have no idea how an entire MONTH has gone by. It's been a blur, but also slow at the same time. So surreal.

My head gets all of this, I've been wrapping my head around all the reasons why and what happened for a month now. And I get it. It makes sense. On the macro level, I know this was just how he felt, he didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing to be angry or bitter about. On the macro level I can see that it is not fair to give 100% when the other cannot. But it's the lower levels, the smaller scale that I am having a hard time getting and dealing with. There are moments when I forget that I'm not with him, it can just seem so surreal sometimes, like he is away on a long business trip or something. Or in the first few seconds of the morning when I wake up...then it hits me.

I have these moments when the impact and emotions of it all literally take my breath away. Sometimes I cry so hard that I shake and feel sick to my stomach. Everyone says that it is good to feel these emotions and ride them out. But I still feel so out of control and so much sorrow.

I am taking all the advice everyone has been giving me, my friends and here on this board. No contact (we have not spoken since I picked up my things from his house 4 weeks ago), stay as busy as possible, just keep moving. I'm doing it all, but I still feel like I am just going through the motions...with work, with plans, with friends, it's cliche, but I do not feel whole. I'm not 100% there with anything. I'm just so spacy and unfeeling. Like slow motion almost.

I feel stuck in this. Stuck in the mourning. People say to let go, to move on, but I don't know how to. I don't want these memories to fade, I don't want to forget about him, I don't want to have him and our two years together become some distant, foggy thing of the past. I am still getting used to him being gone, being my ex, not being in my life. It feels foreign to think or say that I am single, that I have an ex. I hate it, but I know I can't keep in this spin cycle of emotions. I need to get out of it, but I can't figure out how to, and to be honest, part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to stop thinking about him and missing him, because then it is like he's completely gone. And I feel like he's done that and has forgotten me -- no contact, nothing.

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