2nd to highest priority -

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
2nd to highest priority -
5
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:07am

Hi!
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We got married a little over a year ago but haven't moved in together yet due to school and because we were planning a "real" wedding in 1 year. See, we're both catholics and we got married by a county clerk but I really wanted to be married at a church, so we agreed that that would be our real one...
On to the story, he's a great guy, I love him with all my heart, or else I wouldn't have married him. But he's a little TOO close to his mom...to the point of putting her ALWAYS on top of me.
This is not jelausy, I know she is his mom and that he will always be there for her. But when he drops everything to her wish and command is when I get frustrated.
We had a long talk about this about a month ago, we both cried, I told him how I feel like I'm always competing with his mom for his time and space, he said he loved me with all his soul and that he doesn't want to lose me.
However, this weekend, he came to see me (he also lives 2 hours away due to his school). We talked on Thursday of Friday and he said his mom wanted to go to some other city to visit one of his cousins that was going to give birth this weekend. He told me he didn't want to go and that he would go sometime when she's out of the hospital and feeling better. With this, and knowing that his mom would be away and would not be calling in the middle of things, I planned a weekend getaway for both of us, I was going to surprise him with it.
However, saturday comes and he comes to my house in the morning, he was in a hurry because he could only see me in the morning because HE HAD TO take his mom to see his cousin. He said that his mom's husband didn't want to take her, and that neither she could find someone to go with, so he HAD TO take her...c'mon the woman could have driven herself!
anyway, there went my surprise down the drain. I asked him why does it always happen, he didn't answer so I said go home to your mom and he just stood up and left. I followed him to the car, at that point I was out of my mind....I asked him....when am I going to be his priority? when are the things we both agree on going to be the most important thing for him? when is he going to stop putting me after his mom?

he just answered: when you move in with me...

I said that I would never move in with him unless I knew and felt 100% sure that I'm his #1, that he loves me as much as I love him....
He just started his engine and left

I don't know what to do, am I EVER going to have the place I want (and I think I deserve) in his life? if I move in with him...is he really going to do as he says? I already married this guy in front of men...should I marry him in front of God or are this fights and arguments just a foreshadow of what's to come.

Sorry about the lenght....but I don't know what to do....Did we break up? should I break up? who should call?

I love him!!

Thanks a lot for your advise!

Vic

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:21am

It doesn't sound to me like you guys broke up it just sounds like you had a fight. Does anyone know you two are married? Does his mom know?

My honest advice is if you guys are married, then why aren't you living together? That is the big problem right there. Married people aren't supposed to live apart. I understand you guys wanting to have a second wedding, with all you family and friends there, but can't you still live together and plan together this second wedding?

About his mom. Is he an only child? It sounds to me like she doesn't want to let him go and he doesn't have the heart to tell her that he's an adult now and doesn't need her so much. It really is a sweet thing that he can have such a great relationship with him mom, but I would talk to him about spending time with you instead of with his mom. Compromise with him.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:19am

Hi Amber,
Yes, people know we're married, it's not like we're hiding it or something. Ok, I'm from Ecuador, he's from Colombia, in our countries, both mainly catholic, you first get married by a county clerk ("swap rings") but don't actually move in with the person until God blesses the union. Its just a matter of tradition, his mom did it, my mom did it, we'll do it. So I guess we can take it as an engagement or something of that sort.

Haven't moved in together, first because of all the explanation I just gave and second because he has to finish school, can't transfer here, and I have an awesome job and have not been able to find one that pays as much or is as promising where he lives...when your 21 not very many people consider you capable of managing others...so we agreed that until this year is over we go on like this, we save money (mainly from my job) and when we get married then it is another story and I would move wherever he needs me to even if I don't find an oh so great job.

He is not an only child, but is the oldest son of an abusive father, his dad was a drug lord and a drunk that came home to beat up his mom for no reason everynight. He had an awful childhood and feels obliged to take care of his mom, he's been her emmotional support since she divorced his dad when he was 13, ever since, all the decisions made in her home always are consulted with him. I love that about him, I love that he cares so much about his family, I love the deep respect and admiration he has for his mom, I wouldn't want him to change that, but I DO NEED him to bring me into the equation and stop just disregarding me whenever something comes up with his mom.

I don't think he needs her as much as she needs him. when we announced we were going to be swapping rings (getting married/engaged) his mom went ballistic on me, she came to my father's house and started yelling at me, in front of mom and dad, saying that I do not deserve her son and that she would never agree to us being together. She's done a few of those scenes this past year, sometimes in restaurants in front of people, sometimes she ticks me off and I've responded with a non so polite behavior..

He feels as if she depended on him for everything, she is married now and has a husband who should be taking care of stuff....but c'mon she even calls my boyfriend when she needs to go to the bank. Seriously, when he comes home on weekends she has a list of errands for him to do and sometimes we can't see each other until night due to that.

I don't know if I'm asking for too much....but if he's wanting to marry me for real, shouldn't I have a more important place in his life? Is this going to change or am I always going to be at his mom's shadow?

I've talked to him calmly about all of this....but this saturday, and the way left have made me realize that maybe he just doesn't get how I feel.

I don't know how to talk to him about this, I don't know if I'm important enough to him....this has come to the point that even my mom, dad, friends and family sometimes make comments about the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:19pm

Ok, now I get it, and I completely respect your traditions.

And by the way you described his mom getting treated by his dad, I would understand why she would cling so much to her son, but like you said, shouldn't you have a place in your boyfriend's heart also.

You do need to communicate this with your boyfriend, don't get defensive or mean about it. Sit down and calmly talk to him about it. Also listen to what he has to say. You do deserve to mean something to him and you should now start to come first, not his mom. Tell him you believe that he needs to tell his mom that he's with you now and that you need to come first. That he'll continue to help her out, but that he's going to stop doing a majority of what he is doing now. She has a husband who should be doing all the things your boyfriend is doing for her. Remember talk calmly. And if he doesn't listen, follow your heart and do what you think the right thing to do is.

Hope I helped.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:02pm
thank you!
yes you have helped...I'll have to talk to him about all of this again. I hope he comes around and is willing to keep his word to me (when we agree on stuff beforehand) and to stop going around changing it to please his mom. I'm not a possesive freak its not like I want to separate the two of them....hope he understands...or I'll have to move on as my mom has suggested many times when she sees me sad
Thanks again
Vic
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 2:22pm

Glad you're going to talk to him about it again, speak from your heart, and think with your head.

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