3 months post-breakup and still hurting - HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
3 months post-breakup and still hurting - HELP!
6
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 8:37am

It’s been over 3 months since my ex and I broke up (April), and I cannot help but obsess over our past, and the circumstances of our breakup.  Just to give a little background…

We were together for over 3 years.  The last year saw some bumps in the road, a lot to do with her schedule (she has 4 kids).  I am single with no kids.  The only time we would spend together alone is 2 weekends a month, from Friday evening to Sunday evening (so 4 days total come to think of it).  For most of the relationship, I was ok with it, as it gave me the flexibility of time to myself, plus I would get together with her sometimes during the week and weekends she had the kids.  But as I said, the final year, especially after this past Christmas, things were going downhill.  I have been in and out of temp jobs due to being laid off 3 years ago and was not happy with my work situation and I think it was really wearing me down emotionally, and that might have affected us.  She started inviting me over less frequently, even to family functions I was always included in. 

The final straw that was the bullet in the head, is what I cannot stop thinking about, and robs me of thinking about the good times we had... 

One day on Facebook, she mentioned she was very happy and excited. I texted to say I was glad and to ask what about.  She said that she was planning a cruise vacation.  This was the first I ever heard about it.  I asked who she was going with, she said her parents and her girlfriend.  She said she wasn’t sure I would be interested, but I was welcome to come.  Translation: “tag along”.  I found out that she was planning this for at least a week with her friend before this was mentioned to me.  So, this ended up in 2 days of silent treatment from me (which she accepted) and finally me asking her to meet, where I ended it.  She said that she thinks it was best we end it too.  I feel that she had intentionally not invited me for the specific reason of hoping it would piss me off to the point where I would end it and look like the bad guy.  Mission accomplished!  Looking back, I wish we could have talked things out before she had chosen this way if she were truly unhappy.  We are still FB "friends", which might complicate matters, both in reading hew "countdowns" top the number of days left to her cruise, the activities she is doing with her kids which I always enjoyed participating in, and just reading that she seems happy in general, which I think is what bothers me the most.  I guess I'm wishing she felt the pain of the seperation that I feel now.  I use to get notifications when she would post something, but I turned that off, but I still find myself compelled to look and see.

In the 3 years we have been together, we never had the opportunity to take a lengthy trip aside from weekend road trips, either due to her schedule with kids, or my own financial situation.  I had found a lengthy work assignment, and started to find the happiness in the fiscal security I was achieving when this all came down. 

So now I’m left with a heart full of resentment.  How do I get over this?  Clearly getting back together is not the answer, as it would only lead to the same outcome.  Not to mention, I don’t want to go back if she slept with anyone after me, or sit home when she goes on her cruise.   I am currently seeing someone else who treats me so much better, but for some reason, I still can’t shake these resentful feelings and think about what was, and what could have been.  I can't keep bringing up these matters to my ex as I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with them anymore.   

HELP!!!  These past few months have done some real work on my heart and emotions and I just want to get over it! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 11:11am

The first step is to unfriend her on Facebook--it only keeps reminding you that you're not with her when you see what she's doing.  I also think that you are way over-reacting about the cruise.  Are all her kids going on the cruise?  Maybe somehow she felt uncomfortable bringing you along on a cruise with her parents and felt they would be more comfortable with her staying with a woman--parents can be very old fashioned, like they know that she is probably having sex but maybe dont' want to be confronted with the reality of it.  You made the assumption that this was her excuse to have you break up with her but it might not be that way at all--you are, after all, the one who gave her the silent treatment and then broke up without even talking about it with her--maybe she just broke up because you had a very immature reaction and if you had just told her to have fun on the cruise, she wouldn't have broken up.  I'm not sure this relationship would have lasted anyway.  It sounds difficult for a single mom with a lot of family obligations to really mesh with a single guy with no kids who has a lot of free time.  Usually it works better when people are in the same situation.  I know as a mom where the last kid is one year away from college I would not even date a guy who had kids younger than high school--now that I have a lot of freedom I just wouldnt' want to be constrained by the realities of someone who has family obligations that I've already gone through and I really dont' want to be hanging around someone's kids that much.

Now as for the current GF.  I think the problem is that you never grieved the loss of the last GF before starting to date again--you obviously aren't ready to date if you can't enjoy the fact that you have a nice GF and you're still dwelling on the past.  Nothing is to be gained by regret--even if you made a mistake, what's done is done.  I think it's ironic that you say you don't want to get back with your ex if she slept with anyone after you--does that mean you haven't slept with your new GF or do you just have a double standard that it's ok for you to have sex but not ok for your ex--think about that one for a while.  If you can't stop thinking about your ex, then do the new GF a favor and break up with her--tell her that she's a very nice woman but you are not in a position to be dating anyone right now and it's not fair to her that you can't appreciate her wonderfulness because you're still hung up on a woman who didn't even treat you that nicely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 1:43pm
No, her kids weren't going. I know her parents pretty well and have stayed over their house with my GF and I sleeping together so that wouldn't have been the issue. The thing also mught be is that I don't drink, and she is a drinker, so yes, it would be more fun with a fellow-drinking friend along instead. But if that was what was most important to her, I would have been a little more understanding if she had maybe brought it up beforehand during initial inception, instead of automatically ruling me out of the equation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well then I guess the mature thing to do would be for you to have said to her that you were disappointed that she made plans for the cruise without discussing it with you considering that you had never had a chance to go on a nice vacation with her and that you were hurt that she chose her friend over you--and see what she said about it..  Instead you just broke up with her without talking to her.  As far as the drinking vs. non-drinking, I am a very moderate drinker, maybe 2 drinks max and sometimes not even since a lot of the time I drive.  I went to an all inclusive resort where drinks were included and didn't have to drive and I probably drank more than normal (I don't usually have pina coladas on the beach at home cause it's not legal) but I still wouldn't get drunk.  I have some friends who drink more but don't get crazy.  Do you know how she is when she drinks?  Cause I'd have very little tolerance if I went on a vacation with someone who wanted to drink excessively every night and maybe had a hangover every day--so maybe she did you a favor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 8:09pm

It takes time to get over a break up. 3 years together is a long time. And I suspect that you are angry at yourself for forcing the situation into a break up, which you quickly realized was not what you really wanted.

I think you overreacted about the cruise, in your assumption that she orchestrated it as a way to get you to break up with her so you would perceived as the bad guy. More likely is that she wanted a vacation away from the realities of everyday life, the stresses of kids, and her concern that you would be unhappy on the cruise is valid----in your first post in April you confess that you tend to pout and hold things in, then blow up. I wouldn't want to have to deal with that on my big vacation. She might have felt that there was no way to tell you in advance without you getting hurt (more pouting) so she just made the plans and decided to deal with the fall out when it happened. Based on your reaction she probably does feel that a break up was right---with 4 kids she probably gets more than enough pouting and drama and snits, so who needs more from the bf?

Or maybe she did want to break up and knew that the cruise scenario would drive you over the edge. How would you have preferred that she break up with you? Would you have accepted it without resentment if she told you that you just weren't what she wanted anymore, or worse, catalogued your faults? It would have hurt no matter how it happened. Better to try to accept that the relationship ran its course, maybe both parties made some missteps but the end result was going to be the same.

Unfriend her on FB or at least hide her updates, and discipline yourself to not look at what she's doing. She's gone, so let her go. I'm not sure that you should have jumped into another relationship before you had fully processed and grieved for the last one, if you cannot stop dwelling on the past then set the new gf free. Pouting, anger, and lack of communication are not attractive traits in a grown man so work on those, and you will have more to bring to your next relationship. Find things to fill your time so you don't have so much opportunity to think about your ex and "what could have been". Eventually you will get over it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 12:21pm

mrblue732 wrote:
<p>I am currently seeing someone else who treats me so much better, but for some reason, I still can’t shake these resentful feelings and think about what was, and what could have been. 

Do you believe you're being fair to the woman you're seeing now to have all of this emotionally charged energy being negatively directed at your ex and not positively into her? 

I don't think you're being fair to the new woman if you're pining for your ex like you say you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 12:43am

If you can't "get over" your last girlfriend, then you have no business having a new girlfriend!

If you're angry at her, she doesn't even care!  The anger is eating YOU up, not her, but you're giving her control over you anyway!  If you want to get over her, then get over IT........it's over, and your life goes on......and you're choosing to be miserable.  You can choose to move on and forget about it.  YOUR choice.