3 weeks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
3 weeks!
8
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:13am
Wow, it's been 3 weeks since I broke up with my ex. I know that's not a whole lot of time, but man am I proud b/c I thought I would never even make it *this* far without...crumbling into dust or something equally melodramatic. As far as no contact is concerned, well, it's only been a week since the last time we talked (when I told him to leave me alone) but even though it's still a day by day project I know that I can continue to do this. Actually, as much as I pine for him, I'm petrified of actually one day getting back in touch with him b/c I am scared to death of going through the worst kind of hurt all over again (thank you, but no, I do not feel like having my heart tossed in a blender over and over again...by the same guy no less). All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well--all things considered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:48pm

Good for you....

I'm in a similar 'boat' of sorts. It's been 10 days since I told my boyfriend that we both need time to think things over....and he needs time to get himself some help. He emailed me the next day, letting me know that he thinks I'm right and we haven't been in contact since. I know it's the end. It hurts to think I'll never hear from him again, because I'd be shocked if he contacted me.

I am, also, doing better than I expected.

I hope you continue to do well with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 1:15pm
i think that no contact is key to moving on and i applaud both of you for being strong and observing that plan of attack. i too am in the same situation. i broke up with my bf of 2 yrs last saturday because i felt there was a lack of passion, love and genuine interest in being with the other. i no longer felt like i priority to him.....i felt more like an obligation he was getting tired of tending to. i am pretty independent so i can handle being alone. what i can't handle is my ego trips that i take in my head. instead of being sad about the break up....i bombard my head with questions about who he's hanging out with, where did he go last night, has he met someone, why hasn't he called to ask me to come back like the four other times. i won't call him.....partly because of pride/ego, partly because i know i am not truly in love with him and we need to move on. help, i'm stuck in ego-fulfillment land and i can't find my ticket out. i am suppose to go work out with a gf today, but all i can think about is why he's not calling. i don't want the relationship back, i just want to know that i'm missed. i know this sounds selfish, but it's what's in my head. what are some good tips of what to think of when i think of calling him to see what he's been up to or to see who he's been hanging out with. he'd never divulge that info even if i called and asked for it (which i won't if i can get my head and fingers under control) but i want to know what you guys tell yourself everyday that helps you maintain your "no contact" attitude so strongly. he did call a few hours after the break up to tell me sorry for not making me feel like a priority, he said i was a priority and he knows he's done a s****y job of showing it, but agrees this is for the best too. i never called back, but stare at my phone like it's brad pitt standing in front of me....i can't take my eyes off of it. help, i'm driving myself crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 1:31pm
Oh girl, I totally understand. While my situation is a little different than yours, seeing as how I am in love with my ex, I still struggle daily with those thoughts of "what is he doing, who is he with, is he seeing someone else, why the f*ck hasn't he come crawling back b/c I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him!!" But then, just as I start to get all sad and misty eyed, I listen to that last part of my thought process--that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him--and realize that he's a stupid suckweed b*stard for dumping me, breaking my heart, then wanting to "be in my life forever b/c he loves me and I'm his best friend." Screw that. I won't lower myself to this particular stupid suckweed b*stard anymore and if he thinks that I am going to call him and go on like things are fine (which I know he does think) then he can just kiss my pasty white Irish behind and lie in the bed that he made. So I guess, basically, I get angry that he's such a stupid a** and use that anger to steel myself against all those nagging thoughts of him. Then I usually go to the gym.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:36pm
i agree. anger helps fuel me not to want to talk to him, but he never did anything bad.....that i know of. he was never a real jerk to me or anything, "this" just wasn't "it" anymore for both of us. i just want to call right now and say hi. i'm bored. i'm lonely. being single isn't much fun right now. i've been single many times before and i know it gets better, but i just the interim from now until then. the x leaves to out of the country for 10 days so i know he's definitely not going to call before then ( he leaves on monday) and by the time he gets back, we will not have spoken 3 weeks....and maybe it will be easier to deal with then. i just want to call right now and say hi, just to see how he's doing....and secretly to hear that he thinks this is a mistake. i know if he thought the break up was a mistake, he'd just call and say so. i know he agrees it's for the best because we both weren't into it anymore. i just want to hear him say it so i can get angry and it will be easy to not want to call him. aaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh, i dont know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:17pm

I think that makes it easiest for me to not contact him is the fact that I always felt like the initiator in the relationship. I did 90% of the work and he always went along with it. It makes me feel good knowing that he must be wondering why I'm not contacting him. It also helps me to know that not seeing or contacting him is helping my healing process.

I have a feeling he won't contact me. It seems very odd to know that I just may never see him again....really having no closure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 12:27pm
i caved in and text messaged him yesterday. i didn't ask about anything regarding us getting back together because that's not what i want. i simply said, "what's in your heart right now".....he said thank you for the experience we had and that it's too soon for he and i to be friends and when he has moved on and can be friends, then we acn be in contact then. i reluctantly agreed and we have not been in contact since. i know he won't call until he's passed all this. i won't call either. the closure helps and today i feel renewal and hope for a new door to be opened. whenever i go through break ups i have this nagging voice in my head that tells me the person didn't want the break up, it was only me who wanted it, if i make the effort to contact he will want to re-unite, etc......in this case that's not true. i contacted very briefly and he asked for no more communication as he is moving on and that's enough for me. just like the lyrics of that bonnie raitt song "I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make the heart feel something it won't". I think the fact remains that he did love me at some and i loved him, but it wasn't going to be the kind of love that would carry us through the years. it was the kind of love that was meant temporarily and now i can let go and not question my decision anymore. i know he feels the same way and we both agree to move on in separate directions. while i don't think having contact is beneficial, in this case, i think it's beneficial for me to know it's truly time to move on and let it go. i hope this feeling of empowerment and peace lasts longer than one day......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 12:45pm
You should commend yourself for going 3 weeks without getting back with him, or talking with him. It's only been one week since you spoke with him, but it sounds like your determined to get thru this without going back with him or talking to him. Staying out of contact with him is going to be the hardiest thing to do. Trust me, I know. I did 2 mos, and I caved in, and broke the NC rule, and it took me hundreds of steps back. It was a disaster, and the pain started all over again. So now it's been 2 mos again, and though I still have some pain, the pain is not intense as it use to be. There are times, I want to call too see how he's doing, and how is life's treating him, but I just think, he's not calling me, and that just shows that he's moved on, and I need to do the same. So I don't call, and when I feel the urge to pick up the phone, I think of about it for a few secs, and the urge is gone. You got to be strong, and not call him. It is the key to your recovery, and I tell you, it's so HARD, but if you think about it, your self being, is what's important right now. Just staying in contact, drudges up old memories abnd feelings, and you never give yourself the time to heal accordingly and peacefully. Stay strong, and keep us posted. Take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:56pm
hey eeyore -- i wanted to write because it's three weeks, to the date, of my break-up with "sam." i have fully activated the "no contact rule" and that is the *only* thing that's keeping me sane right now -- my pride in being a pillar of strength. i must explain my relationship with sam so that you have some background. we were committed for over a year but have been having problems the past few months. the underlying issue is that he became very depressed and withdrawn and refused to seek steady therapy. he lost most of his friends and distanced himself from everyone but his family. he started spending all his time in front of the t.v. or in bed. obviously, our relationship suffered and i began resenting him -- which lead to fights, emotional distance, and our eventual break-up. i'm younger than sam, have never been married with no kids and have a fabulous job, friends, and life. sam is a divorced 40-something, was in a bad marriage for twelve years, and has a 10 year old child (with whom i got along very well with). he claims he began going through a mid-life crisis/serious depression last fall and he's never experienced anything like it before. i think the crisis was brought on by the fact that he's not happy with his career and is, basically, not happy with his life. i was a wonderful bright light that lit him up -- we fell in love and had many, many happy moments together. but this wasn't enough in the end. after many discussions, he told me he was having trouble dealing with the relationship because he did not want me to be brought into his turmoil. i can also add that we've discussed marriage many times (he's claimed i'm the "one" and his ex-wife most definitely was not) but i know he was very afraid to give marriage another try after the first one ended in divorce. our last contact, via email, was very sad.. he basically apologized and said he just can't cope with anything right now. i told him good-bye and told him to keep in touch. that was the last i've heard -- 3 wks ago. this man has always been honest with me, loyal, kind.. and is basically a wondeful person. i know that letting him go is the right thing. and i'm moving on with my life. but, secretly i hold out hope that his crisis will subside, his depression will go away, and true love will conquer all. am i wrong to think this? sorry this was so lengthy...and thanks for your time.