4 months and still hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
4 months and still hurting
16
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:06am
I've been lurking around here for awhile now. I'm basically a guy whose heart is smashed into little bitty pieces right now. 4 months ago, my 5 year relationship ended and I really don't know why. We were living together for 8 months, pretty much talking about marriage and everything else. Then we all of a sudden, became unhappy. My ex suffers from depression, or she did. Now she seems to be really happy with herself and her life. I on the other hand, am not doing so good. At first, I was OK, and even went out on a few dates. But the thing was, my ex and I still talked all the time. She didn't move all of her stuff out right away. Her mail still came to my place so I pretty much saw her all the time. Now, I want her back. When we have talked in the past few months, we both know what went wrong with us and even agreed that we could fix it. But decided that we should just keep some space between us. Well, right now, she just moved in to the apartment building across from mine. I decided that I'm moving very soon cause I don't feel comfortable being that close to her. I'm scared to see someone else over there, taking my place. Even if they are just friends. I know I went on a few dates with another woman, but it never meant anything to me. I am still stuck on my ex. I don't want to let go. I never have. Now, next weekend, the ex told me that she is having someone stay with her that's from out of town. Someone that likes her and someone that she talks to like every other day. He's coming over next week Thursday to spend the weekend with her. Last night she told me this and then I had to tell her how I was feeling about us. Then she went off on how she feels guilty about this other guy and how she still loves me and everything else. She thought that I wanted to be with someone else cause I went on a few dates. Why do I feel like this is all my fault? I'm the one that feels depressed right now. I constantly rip myself apart and never look at the good qualities that I possess. Right now, I'm just shaking. I'm about seconds away from crying and just leaving work. I don't want to throw away five years of my life because I absolutely love her. She felt like I was moving on and now she is moving on or whatever this is with this other guy. We are both 28 years old. This new guy is 37 years old. When she told me about him, she said that he isn't very attractive and doesn't compare to me. Is there more too this? I'm just a mess. She tells me all the time she still loves me. My question is, then why don't we do something about it? Maybe I should just ask her. Maybe I should just ask her to go out for coffee or whatever. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't eat and I don't sleep. My body hurts cause I don't sleep or take care of myself. I'm just miserable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:13am

utah15...

Pianoguy might be off-base, but you're dealing with 3 different issues:

1. Your g/f's depression. As much as you'd like her to get past it...maybe she can't without the help of professional?

2. You've been in a 5-year relationship that probably hasn't progressed as quickly as she would have liked it to? Both men and women evaluate what they have at this mark...and often will make a 'necessary change or two?'

3. You've got feelings for AN EX...after being with a different woman for 5 years! There's definitely a screw or two that needs adjusting inside your head!

To sum it up...you AREN'T ready to commit yourself seriously to ANY woman.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:53am
hey pianoguy, i know this was not my post, and you weren't talking to me...and maybe i shouldn't speak for the person who originally posted, but i think you totally missed the point of that post....i'm not sure what you were reading, but you seem pretty off and harsh...when someone is feeling pretty down and hurt, i don't think it's very productive/positive to tell them they "have a screw loose in their head".
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:56am
You misunderstood me. My ex is the woman I've been with for five years. She is the one that I'm going nuts over. It's been four months since we broke up. We both were in college and wanted to wait until after college to get married. We moved in together last year and now we are not together. I know I can't have a relationship right now with someone else until I'm over this break up with my ex. Here.. Let's clear this up.. the woman I've been dating for five years is my ex, let's call her J. This girl I went on a few dates with, let's call her T. I'm going nuts right now because J and I talk all the time and we still love each other. She has even written me letters about growing old together and honestly, I want her back. But now, J is dating some other guy who sounds like she doesn't care much for him and can't see herself with him.
Hope that clears up some stuff.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:12pm

It might not be a bad idea to meet with her so you can lay your cards on the table, and ask her to decide: does she want to end things with the new guy and get back together? If so, you're willing to try again. If not, however, then the two of you need to stop talking.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:14pm

hey utah15, it's totally understandable that you are still hurting...the break up was only 4 months ago, that's not long, especially after a 5 year relationship...you definately need more time and work to heal and let go, and seeing her all the time is definately NOT going to help you heal and let go..trust me i know.

i'm also 28 and i'm kind of in a similar situation as yours...i was with my ex for 4 yrs(lived together for 2), and i ended it a year ago, and i'm still hurting...yes, it's been a year! and part of the reason why i haven't been able to let go is because this whole year that we've been broken up, we still saw eachother all the time.....we still got along great, and still shared a connection and i think we always will...he was wonderful and for the most part our relationship was extremely loving, but for whatever reason it came to an end...and i have many regrets, and wanted him back so badly...he always tells me that he misses me and the time we shared together...he tells me he thinks about us getting back together(but it always ends up being a "no"), he still single after a year, and so am i, and we both still love eachother and miss eachother...and i ask/wonder the same thing you do....if we both still love eachother, why suffer? why not get back together? it only make sense right? well i don't know....but the last time we spoke was his b-day exactly a week ago, and he wanted to see me, said he missed me etc, he also said AGAIN that he thought about us getting back together......and a few hours later, he said "no"...it broke my heart even though i knew it would be a "no". well, i finally had to put a stop to this cycle and take the first step to healing and letting go and that was to have no contact with him...it felt like breaking up all over again. but i knew as hard as it was to say we couldn't have contact anymore, atleast for a while...i knew i couldn't live like this for the rest of my life, and i had to do something about it and that was the first step...i've gone 7 days now without contact and it's hard, but i know if i talk to him or see him, it will hurt soooooooooooooo much more. i know i'm rambling on...but bottom line, you have to cut ties with her, that's the first step in letting go and healing. you said you don't want to let go, which is understandable, because it's really scary, but do you want to feel like this a year from now? 5 years from now? probably not, which means you have to make a change.

i think it's a really good idea that you're moving, because living accross the street from an ex is definately not good for the healing process, i think that's more like torture...why she moved in accross the street from you, i'm not sure...i think that's a little selfish on her behalf....when my ex and i moved out of our apt...he moved not too far, but i stayed in the same area....actually right down the street from where we used to live...and that was torture, so actually living accross the street from eachother is definately NOT a good idea.

my thoughts are with you...keep me posted...take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:55pm

trying 2 heal,

The thing is, I can honestly say that I do want her back. I've thought weeks and months about this. I even tried going on other dates just to see if this is truly what I want. I've taken so long to figure out what I really wanted and the whole time, it was her. It is so hard to explain this. I just feel it. In the beginning of this breakup, I thought it was just loneliness, and that I just missed her. We did keep talking cause we were good friends before we even started this relationship 5 years ago. Now, my feelings have turned into something so much more. I've been the one being careful while she has too but she has been the one that wrote me a letter saying things about how she wants to grow old together and just be happy together like we always have been. The reason we broke up is because we stopped having fun. Our lives got to hectic or should I just say her's. She works full time and goes to school. She freaks out about school and basically sacrificed our quality time together. Sure we spent time together, but it was like she was just thinking about school and that was it. She was stressed and we unfortunately didn't talk about any of the problems we were having with each other. We didn't compromise for the first time in our relationship. Now, I want her back because she is finally herself again. She's realized things like how she treated me and realized how she can't keep living her life like this. She made the first move of us getting back together. I just took time to think about it. Now I want her back and she thought I wanted to move on. So I want to sit down with her and talk about all of this.
Thanks for understanding and for your opinion. It does help to hear things from others.
Thanks again.
Utah15

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:01pm

hey utah15,
i didn't know she wanted to get back together...if she does, and you haven't told her yet that you want her back, then ofcourse you should communicate that to her...and hopefully you can work things out and get back together.....but, if she does not want to get back together, then you need to let go.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:30pm
Agree..what a crappy thing to verbalize. We all have some screws lose but do not want that said in a support forum..ah well..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:32pm
Let your ex go her own way..give her space. If she is dating someone let it proceed. Go away when he is there..Frankly I find it odd she moved across the street. All your anxiety is totally warranted. She is giving mixed messages so until she cuts ties with all men and is ready to focus on you, move on. AND IF SHE DOES COME BACK, I suggest some couples work BEFORE moving ahead. Prayers..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:58pm

Hey utah, I'm sorry you are taking this breakup so hard. So you did tell her how you felt and danced around the idea that you could work it out? And she still wants space? She seems confused but it doesn't sound good. That almost sounded like an excuse that she used about you going on dates so now she's moving on, but maybe not. Who initiated the original breakup? If you will have regrets, then you could try laying your heart on the line once and for all and if you still get a "I'm not sure" than walk away, but I hope for the best. And I would suggest cutting off contact all together to let yourself let go. If its over, than work on acceptance. And easier said than done I know, but try not to notice who is coming and going from her place, and yes move if it is plausible for you to. I really wish I had a majic potion or words you could use to get her back but I don't.

Think back to what was causing the Unhappiness that led to the breakup. Was she depressed or just looking for a way out??? You spent a long time together, so realize it will take some time to heal and get used to being without her. Make sure it is her you still want and not that familiarity that you miss, now being alone. This too will pass.
Best of Luck,
Grace

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