4 months and still hurting
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4 months and still hurting
| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:06am |
I've been lurking around here for awhile now. I'm basically a guy whose heart is smashed into little bitty pieces right now. 4 months ago, my 5 year relationship ended and I really don't know why. We were living together for 8 months, pretty much talking about marriage and everything else. Then we all of a sudden, became unhappy. My ex suffers from depression, or she did. Now she seems to be really happy with herself and her life. I on the other hand, am not doing so good. At first, I was OK, and even went out on a few dates. But the thing was, my ex and I still talked all the time. She didn't move all of her stuff out right away. Her mail still came to my place so I pretty much saw her all the time. Now, I want her back. When we have talked in the past few months, we both know what went wrong with us and even agreed that we could fix it. But decided that we should just keep some space between us. Well, right now, she just moved in to the apartment building across from mine. I decided that I'm moving very soon cause I don't feel comfortable being that close to her. I'm scared to see someone else over there, taking my place. Even if they are just friends. I know I went on a few dates with another woman, but it never meant anything to me. I am still stuck on my ex. I don't want to let go. I never have. Now, next weekend, the ex told me that she is having someone stay with her that's from out of town. Someone that likes her and someone that she talks to like every other day. He's coming over next week Thursday to spend the weekend with her. Last night she told me this and then I had to tell her how I was feeling about us. Then she went off on how she feels guilty about this other guy and how she still loves me and everything else. She thought that I wanted to be with someone else cause I went on a few dates. Why do I feel like this is all my fault? I'm the one that feels depressed right now. I constantly rip myself apart and never look at the good qualities that I possess. Right now, I'm just shaking. I'm about seconds away from crying and just leaving work. I don't want to throw away five years of my life because I absolutely love her. She felt like I was moving on and now she is moving on or whatever this is with this other guy. We are both 28 years old. This new guy is 37 years old. When she told me about him, she said that he isn't very attractive and doesn't compare to me. Is there more too this? I'm just a mess. She tells me all the time she still loves me. My question is, then why don't we do something about it? Maybe I should just ask her. Maybe I should just ask her to go out for coffee or whatever. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't eat and I don't sleep. My body hurts cause I don't sleep or take care of myself. I'm just miserable.

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Our break up was pretty mutual. She wanted to move out and I wanted her too. The reason behind the break up was our communication went down the drain. I was upset with things and she was upset with things, but we never talked about them. I watched her run herself in the ground again with work and school. And it really broke my heart this last time cause we were going to get engaged. I have to at least lay my heart out there one more time to see if she and I can work this out. If I don't, I know I'll regret it. I've loved her so much from day one and honestly don't want to lose her.
She did start seeing this other guy cause she heard I was dating someone else. Now, we talked about it and now she feels so guilty. I told her I went on a few dates just to see if this was something I wanted. She wrote me the letter saying that she wants to grow old together and raise kids, etc. She's asked me at times to go away with her for the weekend this past summer, but I said no cause I didn't know what I wanted. I was scared. Now all I can think about is like I missed an opportunity or a chance to fix things. We've talked all summer long about what was wrong with our relationship. We talk more now than ever before. We communicate better and understand one another better. Like the type of person each one of us are. That's why I want to try again. That's why I don't want to see her with someone else. She made a point to tell me last night that this other guy was way older than her and not very attractive at all. Then it was compliment after compliment about me. Telling me that she wishes she would have known the way I was feeling and everything else. But now, what am I suppose to do. Tell her that I don't want this other guy coming up here? I highly doubt that's the way to do things. I need her to make that decision. She says she feels guilty and basically wanted to puke last night. I don't know. We are suppose to talk again tonight. So, we'll see how that goes. Thanks for listening.
trying 2 heal...
PG is sorry is YOU (and others) felt he was a little harsh in his response?
Perhaps I misread the original post? (IT HAPPENS). But most ivillagers know me well enough by now that I'm not automatically going to offer sympathy...if I don't feel it's warranted? This is the reason the message boards exist. The opinions vary and aren't always going to be the ones "that posters want to hear!"
I didn't sense there was a serious commitment here. If there was, WHY would a relationship continue to go on for 5 years without something "more positive" happening?
Pianoguy
Ohhhhh, I see. Thanks for explaining more. Than it sounds like you've got a handle on things and are maybe nervous about a "missed" opportunity? I believe if you guys talk and get on the same page, you'll find a way to work it out! And as far as this other guy, it probably is up to her to end that scenario. When you tell her how you feel and she concurs, then be confident that she can have that friendship but she loves you. I hope for the best tonight!!
Grace
piano guy...
i'm not saying you need to sugar coat things or lie just to make someone feel better...you're right, that's not what these boards are for...BUT, there is such thing as positive feedback...i don't know if you've ever experienced pain/hurt...i'm sure you've had or you probably wouldn't be on these boards...therefore, you should know that when someone is hurting, you can still be honest in a more constructive way even if the truth(in your eyes) may be harsh, there is a way to put it more constructively...when someone is feeling down right s****y, they don't need to hear that they have a screw loose...atleast not in those words.
also, it doesn't seem like you've been in a long-term relationship or that you have much experience in it....although i think you must because you are on these boards....but just because things don't work out in a relationship after 5 years does not mean there was a lack or committment or "seriousness"......how can you come to that conclusion....relationships are not so black and white......there are many reasons as to why relationships end.....and lack of committment or "seriousness" is not always the case. another thing......we are all on here to lend support and the best advice we can(or atleast i hope that's why we're all on here), so i don't think it's appropriate for you to judge whether a person is sincere about what they are writing...if he is writing that he is hurt/sad...etc, how can you say he wasn't serious? he's being open and honest and pouring out his feelings and you are going to sit there and say that he's not being genuine about his feelings...not cool.
trying 2 heal...
Does a 16-year marriage....a 4 year relationship...and a 15-month 2nd marriage (that occurred after more than a year of courting) count towards a long-term relationship?
Pianoguy went through all 3 and was just as upset (as you) when they unravelled.
In the first marriage, I know and blame myself for the divorce, but in the other 2 cases, I blame infidelity (on the part of my s.o.). There's no way to predict when (and if) "THE BIG I" will occur....but unfortunately it can happen...even in the most solid relationships!
Ivillagers know that any words (positive or negative) that I use in my responses are strictly 'one man's opinion!' They AREN'T INTENDED as THE FINAL WORD! They are always open to debate. But they are MY OPINIONS.
Should the day arrive when I have to start 'thinking the way others want or expect me to'---then I guess that'll mark my final visit to any of these message boards? My responses have always been based on the words that you (or others) have written.
Fortunately, many ivillagers seem to feel that these responses (for the most part) have been accurate or in some cases, completely correct?
Pianoguy
I have posted on here on iVillage off and on over the years and I find that pianoguy's responses to some people's posts, including my own, have caused me to think, where did that come from?...and, how could he be so insensitive? The last time I posted on here, he made an assumption about a relationship of mine that was totally false and had no basis. Not to put anyone down, but I think anyone who gives advice on these boards should address the issues at hand instead of concocting scenarios in their heads about what they think might be going on in a relationship or not reading the posts well enough that they completely misunderstand what is going on, and yes, they should be sensitive, especially if it's a break up board. Why kick somebody when they're down?
On a positive note, all the other iVillage regulars on here are wonderful and have helped me tremendously through the years so I encourage the original poster to continue posting on here for support. It's hard for me to say what is going on in your ex's head so I would just advise you to find out by talking to her and continue to come by here for advice if you need to. Oh, and once you find out, if she still doesn't want to get back together, then moving and ending communication would be the best thing to do because she seems to be giving you false hope with no sign of an impending reconciliation. This can keep you stuck on her instead of allowing you to get over her. Best wishes and I hope you do what is best for you.
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