4 months - still miss him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
4 months - still miss him
6
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:05pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this board, but not to other boards on iVillage and those have helped me a lot so I'm hoping this one will too.

I know 4 months isn't really "newly" heartbroken, but it still feels like it. I'm definitely not moving on yet.

We were together for exactly a year. The first 6 months were incredible, and I really REALLY thought he was the one. He told me he imagined how beautiful I would look in my wedding dress. We weren't engaged, but we had talked about it and both agreed that if all went well eventually we would get married. But, there were a million other circumstances that finally came between us, and after several months of constant fighting (as well as him lying to me repeatedly about conversations he was having with other girls), I finally broke up with him. It took us a while to REALLY break up (about 2 weeks until no contact), and then right after that I found out that he had a new girlfriend already. He denied that she was his girlfriend, but now 4 months later they are still together and there are pictures of them kissing all over both their websites. I know I shouldn't be looking at them, but I can't help it. I can't get over him. I can't stop thinking about him. He's usually the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night, and probably a good 5-10 hours of each day as well. Every song, every place near where I live, everything. All I want is to stop thinking of him and her and how happy they are together. I think of him taking her to "our" restaurants and using "our" phrases and it breaks my heart over and over again.

I think I've done all the steps.
-I read "It's called a breakup because it's broken". Twice.
-I've read a ton of other books too, since the breakup. Lots of spare time.
-I made the list of all the things I didn't like about him or us and reasons why we weren't meant to be. It's a 2 page list.
-I cleaned my apartment of things that remind me of him and put them up in the top of my closet.
-I can't move away to avoid the memories. I do avoid going to certain places I really like with my friends if I know he will be there. But also, party of me wants to go to see him and I secretly hope that he will see me and then realize that he wants me back. But then my head steps in and reminds me that 1) I broke up with HIM, 2) he will NOT want me back because he's VERY happy with his new girlfriend, and 3) she's skinnier than me :(
-I "kept busy" and did all the things I couldn't do while we were together. That took me all of a week and a half and I ran out of things to do.
-I tried to rebuild my relationships with my friends and family, but most of them are too busy too.
-I've been working out and eating right for the past month or more, but my results have been slow if any at all.
-I've taken the "me" time and kept myself up and bought the new clothes and made sure I'd never been seen by him (or anyone else) without looking great.
-I tried dating for about a month or two, but for the life of me could not find a guy worth going out with a second time. I decided it's just me and I really am not ready to date and stopped dating again about a month ago.
-I even started praying and going to church, even though I'm not a religious person at all.

I would try ANYTHING to get him off my mind. In previous breakups, the only thing that got my ex off my mind was finding someone new right away. Because of that, I've had a string of serious relationships with very little downtime in between for the past 10 years. I don't think it's healthy, so I'm trying to grow up and do this the big girl way without a rebound relationship.

My friends constantly tell me I'm better off without him. But now I can't even talk to my friends about it because it's been 4 months and they're sick of hearing about it. Plus they think I'm mental because I still think about him all the time. So I pretend like I don't, but I don't want to pretend anymore.

What is wrong with me that I can't stop thinking about someone that I broke up with 4 months ago??? I miss him SO SO SO much :( all the time. I cry every night wishing he would call me. I look for his car anytime I'm driving. Any cars that look like his I look closer to see if it's him. There are some places I still go that he *might* show up at and I'm constantly worried about running into him. But I can't avoid ALL my places so I go anyway.

I'm sorry this is so long and whiny, but if anyone has any advice or anything they think would help, I really would appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.

Thank you!
Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:30pm

Hey girl, maybe you and I need to team up :)

I'm 5 months away from my breakup (Feb) and I still think of my ex. Every single day, whether I like it or not.

Just background for you real quick, I was in a LDR for almost 2 yrs, I found out he was seeing another girl (read his email). He too denied any other relationships, lied about it, asked me why he would keep me if there was someone else. Well DUH because guys love that crap and apparently lying about it is the easiest way for them to deal. Real mature, huh?

I never got closure from my ex; we never had the final "talk"; just unreturned voicemails, emails, text messages. I wrote him one final goodbye email, exposed the new girl's name so he knew without a doubt I wasn't just a crazy girl accusing him of something.

Anyway my point is.... try not to beat yourself up. I was feeling pretty good lately and then about a month ago for no reason, I cried myself to sleep 3 nights in a row and wanted to contact him for the first time since the breakup. I got great help from this board... the ladies all said this happens, it's part of the upward spiral of the healing process.

I too have read all the books, started working out more (well more right after I picked myself off the floor in devastation), journaled more, tried to focus on me and not what he was doing, and continued to see my therapist. Also, giving back on this board helps too... I feel bad for the 'newbies' because I was once one and it's so hard!

So... keep doing what you're doing, you're on the right track. It's good you recognize not to jump back into a relationship right away. You're taking the time to heal and reflect on what you don't want and won't stand for in a relationship next time around.

ok my next question: are you still looking at their web sites? I have to admit, I am still looking at his email (and other sites he's on... he's back on a single parents site, yet claims he has no kids, how sad- he has a daughter). Anyway, I bring this up because you know that's probably what is setting you (and I) back- the indirect contact of 'keeping tabs' on them. If you aren't then hurray for you. If you are, then maybe you and I can both make sure we stop doing this (or at least start a day/week at a time).

I hope some of this helped, I know what you're feeling and I'm even embarrassed I still think of him (even though he emotionally cheated on me and is a liar).

hugs :)
T

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:41pm

Oh, I'm sorry for the pain this limbo is causing you.

Ok...the first thing you need to do is eliminate the word "can't" from your vocabulary. You CAN get over him and move on, but you need to be willing to do what's necessary. You've done a lot, no doubt...but you haven't done enough, yet. It's your choice: you can keep doing what you're doing and stay in this limbo, or you can take the steps you need to in order to move on.

First things first...you have to stop looking at his/their websites. That's indirect contact but it can be just as harmful as direct contact. I liken it to a needle in the groove of an old record player--you need to take the needle out of the groove in your brain so that groove can smooth over. You CAN stop looking, but you have to really want to, and you have to make a decision and stick to it, no matter what. It's like an addiction for you, so you need to break it, one day at a time.

I would suggest that you find one friend you can trust to be tough but supportive (the breakup buddy suggested by the Greg Behrendt book). Let her know what you've been doing and ask for her help in breaking the habit. Commit to her, one day at a time, that you won't go on to the websites. If you slip, so be it...start again. Eventually, you'll be able to do it and keep doing it, day after day.

The other thing that will really help you, if you are serious about wanting to move on, is thought-stopping. Every time you think of him (and I mean, every time), you stop yourself and you say "STOP! He's not right for me and it does me no good to keep thinking about him". Here's a link to a post on the board website that describes the technique further:

http://www.geocities.com/breakingupishard/advise.htm

It also helps to have your list handy--do you look at it every time you start thinking about him? If not, you should.

It takes 3 things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. If you eliminate the indirect contact and focus on acceptance, you *will* be able to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:46pm
Just thought of another thing while I read Sheri's posting... a long time ago there was a thread on here where everyone posted a list of reasons why they shouldn't be with their ex anymore. Or something along those lines. It had quite the lifespan on here :) Anyway, it helped me- it's kinda like when you wrote your 2-page list of "cons" about him. It's good to see what others wrote too. I will see if I can find that post, maybe we can revive it and provide help. (if not, it's still neat to see what other people have written)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:50pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:33pm

Hey girl,

Sorry for your pain, I know its the worst thing in the world!!! I have to agree with Shadow 100%, as a matter of fact, I am living proof this very minute that visiting those websites, etc pertaining to him is definetly holding you back.

Last time my EX and I broke up, (two years ago) for 5-6 weeks, I was the same way, but this time being a veteran at the breakup scene with the same man, I had NC whatsoever with my EX for ten days...It took me all the willpower in the world, and the biggest willpower struggle was to go on a Pokerroom site where he plays all the time, it tells me when he is on, when his last log in was, etc, I didn't go on there because I was afraid that he stopped playing and was going out every night with a new date? Duh!

Anyhow, as un-luck would have it, I caved Saturday morning and went on that site, and sure enough, he was online playing, so that told me he was home, and that told me, he's home thinking about me....well going on that site made me give in to NC and I called him... I dont know if you read my post from this morning but BIG MISTAKE!! Hang in there, and I can tell you that the working out does wonders for the heartache, last time we broke up, I joined a gym, started working out every single day, and it paid off physicallly and mentally!!!

Hang in there, vent all you need to!

Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:05am

I haven't read any of the other responses to your post but I'm sure there must be some girls who agree with you whole-heartedly and know exactly what you're going through.

I think your story is very sad, and sadder still since you were only together for about a year (if I'm not mistaken!)
With me...well, I'm a hopeless case and I don't want to see you going the same direction.

I've been with my bf for nearly 6, 7 years...and it's been a nightmare.
We've broken up off and on, so many times and EACH time, I was feeling what you felt.

EXACTLY what you felt.

Everyone around me told me how much better off I was without him, that I would find someone more deserving of me, who could take better care of me, etc.
No matter how much time went by, however, I still missed him so much.
I will always love him, and miss him, no matter what happens.

It's funny because I always wonder myself how people get over breakups so easily.
Some people get over marriages broken up after TEN YEARS!
I don't understand it anymore than you do.

But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely NOT alone with what you're feeling and I do hope you can get through it.
I hope *I* will be able to get through it--since Im pretty sure we broke up again last night and I'm feeling very similarly once more.

Let me know if you ever need to talk, just e-mail me.
thunder_without_sound@hotmail.com

Surreal Feline