4.5 years and can this really be it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
4.5 years and can this really be it???
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:04am

Ok, my boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he does not want to be in a relationship right now, he is trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, doesn't know if he wants to be with me permanently etc...

He said he loves me, but that this is what he needs to do right now. I understand on the level of we have been together since our Junior year in High school and we haven't had time to ourselves, its always been about "us" or "we" and never about "I" or "me".

I know he loves me and I know he misses me. I love him also and I definitely miss him. At first I kept calling him crying and trying to get him to change his mind, but I realized that I was probably just pushing him away further. I talked to him last Thursday and I made the decision to not contact him for awhile. I haven't told him this, because I don't want to. I tried to write him a letter, but he recently moved and it got returned to me.

He told me when he broke up with me that if he changes his mind he will do anything to get me back (I know he will).

I am having a hard time right now because I hate him for making me fall in love with him. and for taking the risk of losing me forever, but I also miss him and love him so much.

I am extremely confused, but I am getting better I haven't cried in 3 days and I am realizing that if we are supposed to be together we will.

I also hope that one day our love will bring us back together but I'm not going to pursue him, if he wants me back then he can pursue me.

I am planning on calling him in a few weeks (when I know I can talk to him without crying). I also figure in about a month or so I will see if he wants to hang out or something, but I don't know how I will feel by then, if I will even want to see him.

I guess I am just venting and wanted to hear what everyone thought.

Thank you.